Let's Hurt Tonight

1

Amelia

They say that falling in love is one of the best feelings one can experience. Most people embrace the feeling of love, but I find it rather...terrifying. It is completely unpredictable and unexpected. It is an act of surrender to another person; total abandonment. 

It's quite mad if you really think about it.

I have been asked numerous times what my biggest fear is. Most people would expect a rather basic answer, such as heights or spiders, but mine is much more complex and has a deeper meaning.

Love.

When I was a teenager I fell extremely hard and fast and my boyfriend at the time, Lucas, clearly felt the same way. We were inseparable. Everything about him intrigued me - his smile, the small snores that escaped his lips when he slept, the way his eyes grew wide when he watched sports. I adored absolutely everything about him.

The worst part about our relationship was that we didn't have a nasty breakup. All of the things I fell in love with were also all of the reasons I fell out of love. His endearing stubbornness became refusal to compromise. His spontaneous attitude became recklessness. And at the same time that I was falling out of love, he felt the same. All the things he loved about me became burdens. Our breakup was mutual, but it left me empty and terrified. How could I become ugly to someone who once saw the stars in my eyes? How could someone that I once adored, become just an average person on the street?

I spent the next couple of years completely sheltering myself off from any possibility of romance with that fear of rejection lingering in the back of my mind. I allowed myself to let my guard down on the occasion, but I refused to let any sort of attraction go beyond physical. Any time a guy tried to pursue me as more than a friend or fuck buddy, I turned him down. It's an awful way to live, really. I know it's an irrational fear but at the same time it's the most rational. I don't want to get attached to someone only to have them fall out of love with me, or vice versa. I don't want to waste my time getting heartbroken. Mine and Lucas' breakup was mutual, but I fear the next time it may only be one sided and I'm not quite sure I can handle that. 

With graduation approaching, I especially feel more negligent to love. Even if I did ponder the idea of falling for someone, now is probably the most inopportune time. I'll go out, and I'll have fun, but I can't commit to anything long term. It's all short lived from now until I graduate. I might not even remain in the city after graduation. Maybe I'll move across the country, or leave all together and fly to Europe or Australia. It's always been a dream to travel and explore the world. I don't want to leave my family behind, but I also don't want to be confined. 

I cough slightly as I breathe in the smokey fumes of New York City. I love New York University, but the polluted city air is a huge turnoff for me. I'm not necessarily a huge city person, but the college was my dream school so I didn't mind committing to living here, temporarily at least. Plus it's relatively close to my family - only about an hour and a half away. I couldn't really imagine being far away from them, so I considered this a win-win. 

"If I don't get into grad school, I'm going to become a stripper," My best friend, Shannon, tells me as we walk back to our apartment. 

I laugh. Shannon probably says this at least once a day. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to think she's serious about it. I even caught her looking at job openings online recently at strip clubs near our apartment. 

"You'll get in," I tell her. "If you don't, then there's no hope for anyone."

It's true. Shannon is one of the brightest people I know. It comes natural to her and it can be infuriating, but if she doesn't get in to graduate school then I certainly won't. I'm not an awful student, but my grades are average at best due to my inability to test well. I always choke up for some reason. I don't really suffer from anxiety too much but for some reason tests really get me. I suppose it's just the fear and panic of being put on the spot, and of course the pressure of my future riding on a simple score.