CAN DIVIT CHRONICLES

if you love me, don't let go (chapter 1)

Let me just say, I don't idealize Can Divit in my writings in any way shape or form...if you're looking for Can Divit the perfect hero, you're in the wrong place....this is my take on what happened after episode 30!

It is freezing in London, so cold the rain stings as it comes down in sheets, thin slivers of ice actually. I'm two hours in and I'm already missing home, not my physical home but the home I found in Sanem...I'm missing my love so much it hurts to even think or say her name. Oh, my dear,Sanem. How on earth did we end up here?

"Are you sure I can't do anything to help you get settled? I can order some food or keep you company...or both?" Polen is saying with a suggestive hint in her tone as I'm standing near the fireplace in my hotel room trying to get warm. I give her offer some consideration but after the long flight and all the chaos of the past week or so I just want some time to myself. I know that Polen means well but at the end of the day, I don't want to do more harm than good by creating any false expectations on her behalf. I'm already wavering on my decision to accept this job she's arranged for me, but it's too late to go back on my word. Once I've met with the agency administrators in the morning I'm off to the Balkans, it's as simple as that.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Polen. I want to be alone. I'm sure you can understand, right?" She doesn't say anything but rather gives me this sort of hurt look and then walks over and puts her arms around me. I hesitate for a moment thinking this is a terrible idea but I return the embrace, not wanting to hurt her more than I already have. Wow, how is it I end up in the most awkward situations when it comes to Polen and women in general? She's snuggling up against my chest and I hold her the way she wants to be held but my chest is aching so badly for Sanem I can hardly breathe.

I wake up the next morning and Polen is still at my side in my bed. The sex was cold, numb and disconnected. There wasn't an ounce of enjoyment in it, just momentary relief from the chards of pain and brokenness I feel. Sanem and I parted ways before I left; we're not together anymore but somehow she's all I can think about. I feel ashamed and guilty as if I've betrayed her and I can't stand the sight of Polen. I literally feel sick to my stomach. God, what have I done now? "I can't do this...This... this was a mistake. It won't happen again. I'm sorry Polen, but you've got to go..." I could see tears welling up in her eyes and she parted her lips to say something but I tune her out completely, nothing she says is going to change my mind...I know I've fucked up royally and there's likely no chance in hell Samen is going to forgive me, especially now, but this has to end and it must end now. "There's money on the side table for a cab. Thank you for everything Polen, but I don't think we're going to be seeing each other again," I tell her, earnestly as I leave and closing the door on our history, for good this time.

By the time I finish taking a shower and getting ready I've still got a few hours before my meeting with the assignment editor at the BBC headquarters. The rain has eased up a bit and the sun has peaked out from the clouds so I decided to walk the city streets for a bit to hopefully try and clear my head. I end up at a place called Alchemy, a cafe a few miles from the hotel where I'm staying. While I'm waiting for the tea I ordered, I'm checking my messages for the one-thousandth time thinking Sanem might have tried to call but I knew that wasn't likely given the way we left things and I don't blame her. It probably seems cowardly and silly to someone on the outside looking in but I can't bring myself to call her. I just can't, not yet. When she tried to talk with me, reason with me I let my temper get the best of me and I said things I can't take back, hurtful things. Despite all that, I feel like there's still hope for us. Despite everything that's happened and my mistakes since then. With a little time and space, we'll be fine.

The meeting with Aubrie, my new assignment editor is a breeze. I'm in and out of her office in less than an hour. I leave for Croatia tomorrow to try and gain access to a war veteran who had been imprisoned for crimes against the government. My focus is shot to hell and I'm exhausted. If I'm going to make this trip I've got to get some rest so I head back to the hotel. It's been at least  four hours since I left Polen so I'm surprised to hear voices from inside my bedroom, more like an escalated argument. What in the entire hell is happening my inner voice was screaming as I stalked back to the room, the voices getting louder and familiar. My heart is wreaking havoc against my ribcage as I find my love's intense stare on me. This can't be happening is the mantra in my head, anxiety and panic seemingly going to swallow me whole.

"Sanem? Wait! Don't go!" I'm shouting now, going after as she takes off running from the room.

To Be Continued.

A/N:  I realize this  version of the story might piss off a lot of people but I felt something needed to shake Sanem up in order for her to stop this maddening chase after Can. I think I'll focus on her perspective in the next chapter. Don't forget to like and comment if you got any enjoyment out of my take on the show!