CAN DIVIT CHRONICLES

IF YOU LOVE ME DON'T LET GO || PART 22

I had followed Can no more than a few blocks when he made another stop. I kept my distance but I could see that we were parked near the Four Seasons Hotel. Talk about a gut wrench. This wasn't happening again. There was no way, was the mantra I said in my head. I pressed my nose against the frigid glass and fixed my attention ahead, hating who I had become. The jealous insecure wife, not a drop of self-respect left as I sat there spying on my husband. I watched him get out of his truck, stop long enough to say something to the parking attendant. Then he disappeared inside of the hotel. It felt like I was having some kind of out-of-body experience. My heart flipped what must have been one thousand times in my chest. Was my husband about to commit fornication? Or was it business after dark? My thoughts swayed back and forth like a pendulum. 

 I tried to drum up the nerve to get out of the car and charge in there and burn the place down. When I was about to let go of the white-knuckled grip I had on my steering wheel and reach for the door handle, my inner voice sounded off. The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them. That was a Hemingway quote I had scribbled down in my journal at some point but for some reason, I remembered it at that precise moment.  I couldn't help but stop and take a deep breath and think about this. I didn't know what was happening with Can or why he was creeping around at night going to expensive hotels . What I did know was that he loved me and would jump off a cliff before hurting me again. That is what I chose to believe at that moment anyway. Somehow, I knew that whatever this was, whatever was happening, everything was going to be okay. It's going to be okay was my new mantra as I attempted to abandon my fears and insecurities about my marriage, pulled off into traffic, and drove away. 

 I found my way back through the city and ended up in the mahalla thinking my mother might still be up. Everything had been so tense since my father had gotten sick. I wish I could say I was grown up enough to pretend her words didn't still hurt. I must have lingered too long in my thoughts standing at the door because it flung open before I had rang the bell. Mom was standing there wearing an apron and semi pleasant expression. At least I hadn't disturbed her sleep. The familiar scent of lavender and lemon and ginger and tea pulled me into my childhood home despite my apprehension. We had tea and about an hour of an uncomfortable conversation. Dad had gone to bed early but was getting better every day with exercise and a drastic change in his diet. I also learned that Leyla and Emre were having trouble again. This time it looked as if she might be moving back home soon. I ached for Leyla's unhappiness in her marriage despite our problems . Even though it had been a while since we had spent time together I had made up in mind that I would be the bigger person. I needed to reach out to her sooner than later. 

 "One of my pieces is being published by the New Yorker, an American magazine," I shared, the news bubbling out of my chest. "I just found out, haven't even had a chance to tell Can yet. But I want you to read it before it actually gets published... something special I wrote for you actually." Her face brightened up and she smiled at me for the first time in a long time. I can't begin to describe how elated her smile made me feel.

 "That's wonderful, Sanem. I can't wait to read it... what kind of story have you written for me though?"

 "You'll see. I haven't written anything of Virginia Wolfe proportions yet. You might like it though...I'll send it to you in the morning so check your email first thing." 

 Later, we said our goodbyes. The interaction ended infinitely better than it had started, mashallah.

 It was late, but I didn't feel like going home yet. I just wanted to breathe for a while and I wasn't ready to loosen my grip on the night. I shut off my phone and drove to the coast. It started raining not long after I arrived. The wind was so intense. It grabbed my skirt in its claws and snarling my hair, after a few minutes I was forced to run to the car. It was nearly morning by the time I made it home.