phan one shots

i'm here

Summary: Dan feels like he has no one, that he can't ask for help, but Phil won't let him suffer alone.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression

Dan couldn't stop crying.

It had come suddenly, slowly, creeping up on his vulnerable heart and instead of tearing it right down the middle, haunting it with painful shadows and the echoes of doubt until they became too loud to ignore, and a wave of panic, destructive self hatred crashed over him, leaving him breathless, his eyes crumbling into shattered pieces that he desperately tried to put back in place, but he'd glued them together all wrong, and now he couldn't see anything but darkness.

And he was scared.

He was scared of the dark.

His small chest was heaving up and down at a rapid pace, caving in on his bloodied, torn lungs that barely worked behind his aching rib cage, full of holes, air always escaping them and leaving him with the taste of his own blood on the tip of his tongue, a knot forming in his delicate throat as it was squeezed and squeezed shut.

He couldn't breathe.

He was staining his white sweatshirt with his tears, oversized enough to dwarf his tall body, and comforting, as it was Phil's merch, and always reminded him of the one person he craved at all times.

But right now, it did nothing to soothe him.

He muffled his choked sobs with the palms of his soft hands, holding them over his open lips, plump and bitten a dark red, wobbling and shaking, his knees and shoulders curled inward.

Making himself tiny.

Tiny, tiny, tiny.

He wanted to disappear.

He didn't know what to do, what he needed, why this always happened to him, why he was too scared, too guilty to ask for help.

He would easily talk his friends down from their own tipping points, helping them through meals, reassuring them of their beauty and their wonder while he did the opposite to himself. And he was so exhausted, so tired, didn't know how to keep smiling and say, "just hang in there," and "you are beautiful just the way you are" and "please eat you deserve health and happiness" while he was drowning in the same insecurities and he couldn't fight them himself.

And he was scared.

He was so scared.

Everything was cold, cold, cold, skin unraveling lace, cracking marble, and ice spiking through his veins, his seams bursting loose, and he was spilling out all over the floor, all over the walls, all over, water flooding this dim closet he'd locked himself in to avoid worrying Phil.

To avoid burdening him.

To pretend he didn't exist.

He was tired of this endless, breathless fall, tired of laughing only to sob quietly into his own arms with no one to comfort him, no voice to beg for it to stop.

He was tired in a way that sleep could not fix.

And though he knew Phil would help him without being asked he couldn't help but think he was an inconvenience, an annoyance, and that if he continued to push his issues into Phil, the one person he loved more than anything would leave him.

He'd already helped him so much.

No, Dan had to deal with this on his own.

He could wait it out.

It would be over soon.

Soon.

Despite his desperate belief, the words he whispered to himself as he rocked himself back and forth, he couldn't stop.

He couldn't do this.

He needed someone.

He needed Phil.

And as if reading his mind, his phone vibrated in the pocket of his jeans, and he pulled it out with shaking, fumbling hands, barely able to see the name blaring on the warm screen through his watery gaze.

Phil😍

He breathed out slowly, and before he could convince himself otherwise, pressed the green answer button and held the device to his ear, biting down on his lip hard.

"Dan?" Phil's deep, light voice floated across Dan's consciousness, sweet and familiar and filling his frigid bones with a tinge of warmth, and he couldn't help but let out a strangled cry, trembling so hard that he couldn't feel his limbs.

"Dan what's wrong? Where are you? I can't find you anywhere." Phil rushed out, concern seeping into his words, and Dan gasped, forcing a whispered sentence past his tongue.

"P-Phil..." He mumbled, breathy and wobbling. "P-Phil, I-I'm having a-another one...it's b-bad...I'm s-sorry P-Phil...I'm s-sorry..."

"Bear, don't be sorry," He cooed, immediately taking on a gentler tone. "You know I love helping you, I love being there for you. I'd never want you to hurt on your own. Where are you love? Can you tell me where you are?"

"C-closet...t-the c-closet...u-upstairs..." Dan stuttered out.

He could already hear Phil moving around on the other end of the line, his clumsy feet running quickly and loudly up the staircase, his breathing echoing through the phone.

And then the door was opening, light flooding the dark, small room, and revealing Dan's huddled figure, shaking in Phil's plant sweatshirt, his cheeks pink and flushed, wet with his falling tears, his nose red, and his eyes puffy, little whimpers and sobs jumping from his lips. And Phil immediately hung up, dropping his phone on the carpeted floor and rushing towards him, ocean eyes glimmering with love and concern, his warm, welcoming arms wide open.

Dan fell right into them.

"Oh, sweetheart..." Phil whispered against him as he ugly cried into his shoulder, breathing in his intoxicating scent and gripping the fabric of his shirt with his hands, his chin resting on Dan's curly head, nimble fingers drawing patterns over his back.

He was so warm, so soft, giving him everything he needed without being told.

He didn't want to talk about it.

He just wanted someone to hold him, and tell him it would be alright.

Tell him he was beautiful.

Tell him he would get better.

And Phil always ran to him when he needed him close.

He loved him.

He loved him so much.

"It's okay, it's okay bear, just let it out, you'll be okay," He said, wiping away Dan's cold tears with the pad of his warm thumb. He smiled so gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I'm here, and I'm never going to leave. I'm here."

A/N: This wasn't amazing, but if you didn't know, this is based on something that happened to me recently. I've been feeling pretty depressed recently, and I don't really know what to do about it. Like Dan I'm too scared to ask for help from anyone, not even my parents, so I just write about it. Also depression isn't always this obvious, like sobbing and hiding in closets and stuff. Sometimes no one notices but you. This happens to me when it's really bad, but there are several parts of depression. Earlier today I just felt down, but not like crying. I just wanted to lie down and feel miserable, and hide from everything, and hate myself. Anyway, please leave comments telling me your thoughts and feelings and thank you sooooooo much for reading. I love you all, soooooo much! You're beautiful and you're even more beautiful when you're healthy and you're taking care of yourself. You deserve to be healthy and to be nourished. You shouldn't hurt yourselves, and you should be kind to yourselves. You deserve kindness, and happiness, and you deserve to be taken care of. I promise you are so much more than good enough. You are all beautiful humans, inside and out. Remember to eat and stay hydrated! Love you!