Supernatural preferences and imagines

Mirror (Dean)

Sorry I've been gone so long! Here's a Dean imagine🙃 It kinda goes along to the song idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish, so enjoy!

Sleep. I needed sleep. Or at least a crap ton of alcohol. I stumbled towards the bed in the hotel room that wasn't occupied by Dean. He was in his stomach facing my bed. The last hunt had been hard on him and I; we had had gotten captured and tortured for a bit before Sam got us. We didn't get hurt physically much, but dang, that demon dug in deep to both our pasts doing his best to get in our heads. And looking at Dean passed out on the bed and my slightly shaking hands, it had worked. Thankfully, Sam decided to check up on the family the demon had tried to kill and get some food, so that meant I could get his bed without having to go to the trouble of getting my own hotel room before we left to go back to the bunker. I pulled my earbuds and my phone out of my bag and started playing my music. I can't sleep anymore without music or else I get really bad nightmares. Sometimes I still do. I laid down and recognized the song as idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish. I shut my eyes and listened to the lyrics.
Dont be that way
Fall apart twice a day
I just wish you could feel what you say
I bit my lip trying not to cry, as I remembered what the demon had told me. That it was my fault my sister died, that I was a burden on dean and Sam, that I would never be a good enough hunter to be useful.
Show, never tell
But I know you too well
Kind of mood that you wish you could sell
I opened my eyes slightly to see Dean's bright green ones staring at me. He mouthed something but I couldn't hear him. I sat up and took out an earbud.
"Sorry, what did you say?"
"Nothing, just... are you okay?"
I gave my trademark crooked smile, "Always."
He frowned, "C'mon, I think we're at a point where we don't have to lie about that."
"You lie about that all the time."
He sighed, swinging his legs over the bed to face me.
"I lie for Sam. We both know most of the time I'm not."
I paused, not knowing how to respond. Dean never did this, the whole healthy emotion thing wasn't what he usually did. Come to think of it neither do I. We were close and I had known him for about two years now, but I didn't think he would willing to talk with me on this level. I guess I paused too long because he spoke up.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be weird or anything."
Uh uh, if Dean is going to go anywhere near talking about how he actually feels, I am not losing this opportunity. God knows, he needs to. I probably do too.
"No, it's ok. It's actually better than ok."
I paused. "That hunt was tough wasn't it."
He looked up at me with a serious expression, then sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, it was. I just... don't think any amount of hunting is going to make up for all that's happened, you know."
"Yeah, I know. I sometimes feel like I'm doing all I can to not just give up. Like... maybe it would be better that way."
"No!"
I looked up at him, surprised by his reaction. He winced.
"Sorry." He paused, then continued.
"Actually no. I'm not. You are so amazing and useful and I honestly don't think Sam and I could make it without you, no matter what some demon says."
I sat there stunned, then almost mad.
"Oh, come on. You're obviously better hunters than I am and you did fine without me before we met. And, I mean, you always talk about yourself like you're useless too and you're not. You say all these thing about yourself that aren't true and you're so so wrong. You are the best person I have ever met and I don't deserve to know you or be friends with you, so don't even start on my low self- esteem."
He looked at me, brow furrowed, like he didn't understand what I was saying. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"Sorry, that came out harsher than I was hoping."
Dean didn't say anything and walked over to me bed sat next to me and looked me straight in the eye before saying,
"I know I can be self degrading, but honestly you're helping me through that. All this with Sam and all the people who died. Bobby, Kevin, Charlie, Ellen, Jo, Dad, Mom.."
His voice cracked as he said the last name and I held his hand tightly. I normally didn't do the whole comforting thing, but I cared about Dean. He'd been through literal hell and was still trying to help people. He looked down at my hand in his and squeezed it tightly. I could see a tear running down his cheek. He started talking again, in a hoarse voice.
"And..."
He didn't get out what he was trying to say before he started actually crying. I quickly wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tightly. I don't know when I started crying but my tears were getting his grey shirt wet. We held each other, crying, for a couple minutes before we got ourselves together, still kind of a mess. I handed him a tissue from the side of my bed and got one for myself. We both blew our noses and started laughing for no reason.
He turned to me, still smiling, then got serious again.
"Thank you."
I smiled, "No problem."
We sat there, kinda awkwardly, not knowing what to do after that sudden burst of emotion. Then he picked up my earbuds and asked, "What were you listening to?"
"Billie Eilish."
He frowned, "Who's that?"
I gasped, "I forgot you don't listen to most recent artists. She's really good, trust me."
(Sorry to those who don't know her. Look her up)
He smiled at my excitement, then lifted the earbud closer to his face.
"Can I listen?"
"Yeah sure, I'll start the song over."
He put one in his ear and so did I. The familiar lyrics started again. We got to the second chorus and he looked deep in thought.
If "I love you" was a promise
Would you break it, if you're honest
Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before
I don't wanna be you anymore
The song ended and he took it out of his ear.
"It was kinda sad. I mean, it was good, but sad."
I nodded, " Yeah, I usually don't listen to songs because they sound happy, but because they reflect what I'm feeling well, which if I'm honest, is sad a lot of the time. But I am feeling better now."
"Really?"
"Well," I debated whether to say it or not but finally did, "you help a lot with that for me too you know. I don't think I could do this without you either."
He smiled at me and I smiled back. I looked away before it got weird and thought of something.
"Now that we're feeling better, let's listen to something happier. I'll pick something I know you'll like."
I scrolled through my phone and selected a song.
He put the earbud back in and waited for it to start.
When Eye of the Tiger started playing, his face lit up and he started drumming along to the beat. We started singing along like complete idiots and laughing our heads off. After that I let him pick a song and we went back and forth until Sammy walked in on us singing to Cherry Pie. He shook his head, but smiled and joined in. I looked over at Dean playing air guitar and Sam singing slightly off key and realized why I kept fighting: for moments and friends like this.