Runaway ✔

021 • Dana

Dana laid on her side, turned away from Jax. It hadn't been nice, it had even hurt. Not that she said anything about it. The past year she'd learned to ignore her feelings. She knew how to move, how to look, how to breathe. But deep inside she felt empty, did she lack any warmth. She had faked an orgasm to be done with it. And now shame was flushing her.

She'd hoped to create new memories. Good memories about sex. But that hadn't happened. She'd felt like she was a piece of meat, an animal that was ridden. Jax hadn't been violent, nor impatient. There just hadn't been a single moment that she'd had the feeling he was the one who was caressing her, kissing her, penetrating her.

She thought about Juice, how it had felt when his hand touched hers. That had affected her more than whatever touch of Jax. She longed for his arms, she was sure she would feel them around her.

Her sight blurred and she blinked away the tears. Down there it was burning. Dana cursed herself for doing this to herself. She should've made clear that it was too much for her, that her past was haunting her. Jax would've understood. But she hadn't been willing to give Maddox that power, she didn't want him to still have a say in her sex life.

But he had.

She listened to Jax's breathing. He was sleeping. It wasn't that late, down the hall she could still hear the music. They'd been lying next to each other for a while and Dana had pretended she was sleeping, afraid he wanted another round. In the end, Jax had fallen asleep and now she stared at the wall, full of regrets.

She pressed her lips together when a tear itched down her face. Would these memories ever go away? Could she ever enjoy sex again? She could barely swallow. More tears waved out of her eyes. She needed to go away before Jax woke up and saw her crying. Carefully she slipped out of bed. She pulled her dress over her head and rushed into the hallway. She would pick up her lingerie later, she would claim that she hadn't feel alright.

It was just a few steps to her own dorm, but she was still afraid someone would just walk through the hallway. Someone like Juice, who'd seen her in a horrible state before. Even though she was sure he would be just as sweet as last time. Her lower lip was shaking. She wished she'd danced with him. Or would that have led to the same outcome? Maybe she'd dared to be honest with him since he'd already seen her on her most vulnerable.

She slipped into her room without seeing anybody, flopped on her bed and pulled up her knees. She laid her head against them and started to cry. Deep down she hoped he just happened to be around, that he heard her sobbing and came to comfort her.

But he didn't come. Nobody did.

. . .

The next day Dana felt horrible. Her eyes were swollen, her stomach hurt. She didn't want to face anyone, especially not Jax. But she wasn't just a Croweater, and of course, he did care about her. It was quite early when someone knocked at the door. "Chloe?"

She considered ignoring him, but she knew she had to face him anyway. She mumbled "Coming" and walked to the door. Between her legs her skin still felt soar, hurting by every step she took. She opened the door a little.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "Didn't feel well tonight, so I went to my own bed. Still feeling horrible."

"That sucks. Drank too much?"

She shrugged and took her shoes and lingerie from Jax.

"Other than that... you're good?" he asked, hesitating.

She swallowed. Had he noticed her resistance? She quickly nodded. "Yeah, other than that I'm fine."

The questioning look he gave her increased her stomachache. Something told her he was used to more exciting reactions after a night like that.

"Think I just need to eat something. I'll be there in a minute, okay?" She felt her eyes itch, and she quickly closed the door. Internally screaming she dropped down on her bed again. She didn't mean to let herself go.

It didn't take long before someone knocked on the door again. "Dane?" Opie's deep voice sounded. "Can I come in?"

She sighed. Did the whole club want to see her cry?

"Or ya want me to get Gem? Cherry is at Half-Sack's."

"No," she said quickly. Jax's mother was the last person she wanted to talk to. "Come in... if you insist."

He clearly did, for the door swung open. He held a plate with sandwiches and a bottle of water. Opie put these on the table and sat next to her. "Jax worries 'bout ya."

Dana stared at her hands. And now? Should she tell him that she had sex with his best friend, while only thinking about her insane ex? What good would that be?

"Just had bad memories." She sighed. Maybe she had to get over it. She trusted Opie. And he possessed a fucking porn studio, so talking about sex must be a daily business. "Hadn't taken that into account. Just thought to have fun for a night, that was ages ago. Between the sheets, you know." With her wrist, she wiped away the tears. "But it wasn't fun at all, and all I could think of was Maddox." She bowed her head. "Please don't tell Jax. I don't want him to feel guilty. I should have told him how I felt."

"Then why didn't you?"

She sighed. "Dunno. Didn't wanna be weak, I guess. Didn't wanna admit that Maddox still has power over me."

Opie stayed quiet for a while. Then he hugged her. "But you have to let people know when they're doin' things you don't want, Dane. If not, he'll keep havin' this power. And if ya don't want a hug, you have to push me away."

She showed a hint of a smile while leaning against his chest. He felt like a giant teddy bear. Having a good relationship with your brother, would that feel this way?

He messed up her hair with his hand. "What do ya want me to tell Jax? He thinks he did somethin' wrong."

She bit her lip. "Just tell him I had a nightmare after which I panicked. Happens a lot."

She thought of Juice. He'd never told anybody. It convinced her Opie would do the same. For a while they just kept sitting there, then she pulled away from him, took her plate, and put it on her lap.

"Thanks," she said, softly. She looked up at him. "I mean it, Ope. Not only for this but for being concerned with me the whole time."

He smiled and raked a hand through his long hair, a little uncomfortable with the compliment. "No biggy. You're not the worst."

She wiped away the last tears from her cheeks and chuckled softly. "Thank God I'm not."