calum's pov
It's been four days since Madison passed away and all I feel is empty. Complete emptiness. I knew it was going to be hard, without her here, but I literally feel like a piece of me is gone. I'm not sure that it's even hit me yet that she isn't here. It's like she's on vacation and she's going to come back to me soon.
I have to go back to work today, I haven't been since Madison got really sick, my boss giving me a few days off. I dressed in my blue scrubs that felt scratchy against my skin. I gave up on styling my hair, I didn't feel up to it and made my way downstairs.
Ashton was sitting in the kitchen, eating his usual bowl of cereal. "Hey," he half-smiled at me. "You want some?" he asked, gesturing to the bowl in front of him.
I shook my head. "I'm already running behind," I replied, my voice sounding different to me. It had ever since she closed her eyes, entering that never ending sleep. There was a hollowness to it, like there was no emotion attached to my words. I grabbed my keys off the counter and walked out to my Honda that was parked in the driveway. I turned my key in the ignition, Paramore filling the vehicle. I quickly shut off the stereo, the music reminding me of Madison. I drove in silence for the first time in I don't know how long. The drive seemed to go on forever, even though it was only ten minutes. I sat in my car for a few moments collecting myself, knowing I was going to have to be strong and positive.
The day went by quickly and soon it was lunch time, my time to go to school. I clocked out and was about to walk down the long hallway towards the front entrance when a nurse stopped me.
"Calum, right?" she asked. I had recognized her as being one of Madison's nurses awhile back, but I had never formally talked to her.
"Uh, yeah," I said, confused as to why she was talking to me now.
"Madison wanted me to give this to you," she smiled sadly, handing me a piece of paper folded into thirds. My name was written on the front in Madison's handwriting, neat and beautiful. My bottom lip began to tremble, so I bit it to make it stop. "That girl loved you so much," the nurse said, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I only nodded, not trusting my voice. I finally whimpered, "thank you," before walking away.
In my car, I sat staring at Calum scrawled on the piece of paper, afraid to open it. I decided to save it for after school, when I could read it in my room and cry my eyes out from missing her. I stored the letter in the glove compartment in my car and wiped the stray tears that had fallen before driving to school.
I was standing at my locker when I noticed someone standing on the other side. I slammed the door of my locker to find Christian. "Hey, man," he started.
"I don't have anything to say to you," I shook my head and made my way to AP Biology.
"Wait!" he called and I stopped, but didn't turn around. "Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. Sorry for anything I did to make you hate me and sorry for your loss. Madison was a great girl and you were lucky to call her yours."
I let out a breath. I didn't need this right now. I didn't need him to tell me how great Madison is. I knew how great she is. Was, I realized, the thought felt like a punch to the stomach. "I don't hate you," I spit out and continued my way to class.
I payed no attention to the lesson on how biological systems interact. Lately, I wasn't even sure I was going to pass, but I knew I needed to. Christian had gotten to me and I hated that he could. I wished that I didn't know he liked her, but I couldn't get it from my mind that he tried to kiss her that one day. I knew it shouldn't have bothered me, because Madison always reassured me that she wanted me and not him. I wasn't even sure why I was thinking about this because now it was a nonissue.
**********
I bypassed my mom sitting at the kitchen table sipping some tea and went straight to my room, the letter in my hand. I changed into sweats and a t-shirt before sitting cross-legged on my bed. I stared at the letter for a long time before finally opening it to find the whole page filled.
Calum,
First, I want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through this. A part of me wishes that I never met you or that I actually did break up with you that one day. That way, you wouldn't be feeling all this heartbreak right now that I know you're feeling. You always told me that everything was going to be fine, but I know that's a lie. If everything was going to be fine, I wouldn't have had cancer or I would've been cured or something.
Sorry, I'm getting off track of what I'm trying to say. The other part of me, the bigger part, is happy for what we did have. You showed me that there could be happiness within the hardest times. You showed me how special I was. You showed me such compassion and devotion. You showed me what love is and I can never repay you for that.
I hope nothing but the best for you. I know you will excell in medical school. You love it so much and like you told me, I believe you can do anything you put your mind to. I only wish that I could be with you along the way, loving you with my whole heart. I wish that I could see you achieve all that you're going to.
Just know that I'll be with you every step of the way. Just like I told Caleb, you can talk to me whenever and I'll be listening. But I also need you let me go at some point. I don't want you to be miserable and alone forever. Please find someone worthy of your greatness. Someone that appreciates and loves you every single day. I know she's out there, you just need to find her so don't give up.
And finally, please don't let this shut you down. I know it will be hard, but I don't want your light to falter. You helped me through so much and I wish I could help you because I know all I've done is hurt you. I love you so much, Calum. I wish we had more time. I wish I had more time to show you I love you, but I hope I proved it to you while I was here, but if not I hope this letter solidifies it. You are my world and the hardest part of this is leaving you.
With love, Madison
I read the letter over multiple times, my tears falling onto the page. I finally laid back on my bed, pulling the covers up to my neck and putting my beats over my ears. I wanted to drown out the world and remember every single moment I spent with the love of my life.
I'm literally crying while writing this, but I've been planning this chapter for a long time and I love how it turned out. please let me know what you think in the comment and please vote. xx zoe
p.s. the song i put on the side, gone too soon by simple plan, is what i listened to while writing this and i think it made me cry even more.
