Two weeks later on a Sunday afternoon, I was lying with Calum on my bed when my phone started to ring. I could barely hear it over the Sleeping with Sirens coming from my speakers. I nudged Calum in the shoulder to turn it down. I frowned as I answered, not recognizing the number.
"Is this Madison?" a woman's voice came through my phone.
"Uh, yeah. May I ask who's calling?" I sat up and crossed my legs, knitting my eyebrows together. Calum started to tickle my sides and I jerked away from him, trying not to giggle. "Stop!" I mouthed at him.
"This is Luke's mom, Liz. How are you, sweetie?" she asked.
"I'm alright," I told her. "Is he ok?" I asked, suddenly scared for my friend's life. She was silent, not answering my question and I knew something was horribly wrong. "Oh my god." My hand went up to my mouth and I couldn't stop my sobs. I felt Calum sit up, putting his arms around me as I collapsed into him, still on the phone with Luke's mom. I didn't even know what was wrong, but I was scared.
I could hear Liz start to cry over the phone but through her sobs, I could make out, "He's gone. My baby is gone."
My phone slipped out of my hand onto the bed beside me as I collapsed more into Calum's chest. My tears and snot covering his light grey t-shirt. I felt him move to grab the phone and say a few words to Mrs. Hemmings before hanging up. He wrapped his arms tighter around me, pulling me onto his lap. "Shhh," he whispered into my ear as he rubbed my back. "I'm here, Madison." I thought it would feel comforting, being in Calum's arms but I felt completely empty. I felt alone. I felt like a part of me was missing. Luke wasn't even that bad. This could happen to me at any time. I could die just like he did.
I broke myself out of Calum's arms and formed myself into a ball. "I can't do this to you anymore Calum. I think we should break up," I whispered into my arms that were folded around my legs. I knew this wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't want to hurt him more than I had to.
Calum slid over on the bed, his strong arms enveloping me. "Where is this coming from? Because of Luke? You think breaking up with me is going to solve a nonexistent problem? If anything, it's going to make everything worse." He lifted my chin with his thumb, but I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.
I didn't want to think about this right now. All I wanted was to think about Luke and how I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. The last time I saw him was in chemo and we were joking around. He had been perfectly fine last Tuesday and now he was gone. Not here anymore. It just didn't make any sense to me. I can't do that to Calum. I won't do that to Calum. I need to break up with him, but for now we can table the discussion.
"We can talk about this later. I just want to be alone for now, ok?"
"Are you sure? We can just lay back down if you want?"
I shook my head and then I suddenly thought of Michael. "Actually, will you drive me somewhere?" I felt bad for taking advantage of Calum, but I needed to see him. Michael would understand what I'm going through and I really didn't want to be alone.
"Anything. What is it?"
"I need to go see Luke's best friend. You know, the one I'm in chemo with?"
"Sure," he replied, nodding. He stood up and then helped me, making me feel like I was a patient and I hated it. I hated feeling helpless and I wanted to shove him away, but that would make me feel worse because I knew he was only trying to help and it was probably just his nurse instincts taking over.
**********
Twenty minutes later, I watched as Calum's tail lights disappeared down the road. I waited until they were out of sight until I walked up to the front door of Michael's small yellow house. I knocked and soon Michael appeared looking like hell. He was wearing sweats and a flannel that was only buttoned halfway.
"Mads," he breathed out as he stepped out and hugged me, nearly knocking me over. I tightly held onto him, clutching his shirt with my fists. I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, but we finally let go of each other. "I guess you heard," he said, looking down the front steps and shuffling his feet.
"His mom called me. Calum tried to console me, but I just couldn't be around him. I need to be around you. I needed to see how you were."
Michael grabbed onto my hand and led me inside. I noticed his mom sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on a cup of tea with a book in her hand. She didn't acknowledge us as we passed through to the living room. Michael flopped down on the couch, pulling me with him. "He said we were always going to be there for each other. What happened to that, Mads? He's just gone. We were playing FIFA right there the other day and now we never will again. We'll never talk about girl problems even though we didn't have much of that anyway. We'll never have chemo again - all three of us. Nothing will ever be the same. He's just gone, Maddie. My best friend is gone forever." Michael started to break down, his head leaning down farther to my shoulder with every word. His words hit me hard and I remembered the day that Luke said we would always have each other. I feel like now it was just something to make us feel better. With us all being sick with cancer, there was no way we could always be there for each other. Even without cancer, how could we always be there for each other? Everyone dies eventually. I started to cry along with Michael and I wondered if coming here was even a good idea, but I knew it was. We needed each other in this time of sorrow and loss. If we didn't have Luke, at least we had each other.
The day went on, with Michael and I recounting all of the memories we had with Luke. He told me lots of things I never knew about him like how he could eat a whole pizza in one sitting, how he was such a mama's boy, and he wanted to be in a band. I knew I was good friends with him because we had spent countless hours in chemo together, but Michael was his best friend. I wished now that I had hung out with them more outside of chemo, but there was no going back. By midnight my stomach was hurting from laughing at the hilarious stories Michael was telling me of all of the times they had together.
"I should probably get going," I told him sadly. I pulled out my phone, debating if I should text my dad or Calum.
"Hey, why don't you just crash here? It's already super late," Michael offered.
"Are you sure? I don't want to impose," I bit my lip in hesitation.
"Are you kidding? You made feel so much better tonight. You totally deserve to spend the night."
"If you insist," I smiled, leaning in to give him a hug. I sent a quick text to my dad, filling him in on what happend. He replied almost instantly letting me know he was glad I was safe and he could pick me up on his way to work in the morning.
Michael's room was actually quite clean, which I wasn't expecting. "Mom makes me keep it clean. She says dust and what not is bad for the cancer," he shrugged, noticing my surprised expression. "You want something to sleep in?"
"If you have something, that would be great," I nodded. He dug through his drawers for a moment before throwing a pair of boxers and shirt at me.
"The bathroom is down the hall," he pointed to the left as he turned back to his drawer.
I let out a little laugh as I left. Once in the bathroom, I stripped myself of my skinny jeans and sweatshirt and slipped on the clothes from michael. The boxers were huge, but stayed up well enough with the elastic around them. I pulled the shirt over my head, noticing that it was a Green Day shirt which made me smile. I folded my clothes nicely and left them in a pile in the bathroom before walking quietly down the hall back to Michael's room. I found him lying in his bed, his pasty chest exposed above the sheets. I swallowed, hating that I thought his messy hair and sleepy expression looked attractive. I shut off the light before climbing onto the opposite side of the bed, making sure to keep my distance from him and pulled the sheets up over to me.
"Thanks again for letting me stay. I feel like you're the only one that understands even though what you're going through is much worse than what I'm going through."
"I miss him, Madison," he whispered into the darkness of the room.
pleeeeeease don't hate me. anyways hope you liked it even though it's sad - I literally cried the entire time I wrote this. please vote/comment. xx zoe
