Leon, Leon (BoyxNB romance)

Chapter 22

Your bedroom is very pretty. I am grateful to you, Callum."
"Yeah, it's not bad for being the size of a shoebox, right? I try and keep it clean, at least."

We had made it up the stairs, eventually, and I lowered him gently onto the bed. I regretted not changing the sheets - not that they were dirty, but I was still going through my memory frantically to see if I had made any suspicious looking stains or marks - but by the way he was looking, I doubted he would have noticed much if I had put him on the floor.

"Well, make yourself comfortable, alright? Do you want the pyjama bottoms that match that top? Or are you fine with just being... you know."
"It is ok. I am not cold." He smiled.
I gave a little turn of my lips back, subconsciously. "Well, uh..." I said, standing up. I put a hand on his shoulder. "Goodnight, Leon."
He looked up at me, putting his hand over my own. He leant forward, and for a second I thought he was going to fall asleep right there, until his arms wrapped around my back and his nose was pressed into the gap in between my ribs. "No," he said, his voice muffled by my jumper. "Will you stay, for a while ? To talk."
"But you need sleep, Leon. I can tell you're exhausted. And resting will stop the aching as much, too. Come on, you'll feel less sore in the morning."
"I feel good, Callum. And I am not tired, not really," He said, sounding like a little kid who wanted to stay up with the adults. "Please? Only for a little bit."
I rolled my eyes, chuckling. "Alright, alright. Lie down at least though, at least."

He nodded, hesitantly, and shuffled under the blankets so I could only see his head. "Aren't you going to take your jeans off? If you want me to leave the room for a second, I can."
He lay back, moving his hands down. "It is ok. I will do it now."

Don't look don't look don't look. Fuck, my eyes weren't listening. I looked away, blushing, overcome with a surge of desire I hadn't felt before, not even with Cass.
"Ok, well," I said, coughing and hopping onto the side of the bed. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I have..." he said, quietly, and anxiety began to pulse through me. Was this actually a serious talk? I thought he just wanted to put off sleeping. It's the worst when you can't get comfortable, and I doubt any part of him is. Plus, my mind is still full of images of him I couldn't stop myself from thinking of. "I have done the thing that your sister says I cannot do. I... lied to you, Callum. And hided many things from you."
"Alright, well... best get them out in the open now, right? No point lying about anything else."
"Yes, that is... I think that is correct. However, if you want me to leave, tomorrow, because of the things I say, I understand. You are very kind, but if you do not like me because of these things, you will say it to me, yeah?"
"Of course, Leon, I promise I'll be honest, too. But just... say it. There's no need to be afraid."

He took a deep breath in, and looked away from me, and God, I could barely breathe. "I am not... the person that you think that I am."
"O... okay."
"I do things... a lot of boys do not do."
"Alright, um... like?"
"Well, there are many things, but I... wear makeup, sometimes."
"Oh, ok. Well I mean, that's not that weird, I mean, a lot of people wear spot cream, and Ben fake tans, like, once a week, so I mean like, it's not that big of a deal."
"I do not do it to hide things," he said. "I mean that... I do that also, but it is not only things for my skin."
"Right, so what else do you wear?"
"Um... makeup for my eyes, and lips. And I do it because... I like it, Callum. I feel good, when I have makeup." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I am sorry, I know that it is a weird thing. It was a secret. You are the first person that I am telling."
"Well, to be honest, I do find it weird," I saw him open his mouth. "But, not necessarily a bad thing. I only think it's weird because it's different, you know?" He nodded, looking back at me, and I could see wells in his eyes. I shifted closer. "Hey, now, don't cry. I know it's hard to tell secrets, but it's ok, I promise. Do you want to stop talking about it, for now?"
"No, I am ok... I need to talk. I hate secrets."
"Me too, Leon, me too. So, you like doing it, ok, that's fine. Can I ask, like... why?" I coughed. "Are you like... a transvestite, or transgender, or something? I don't really know the right words, but like... you feel like you're a girl?"
He bit his lip. "Sometimes," he said. "Sometimes I do."
"Do you wear girls' clothes, too?" He nodded.
"Sometimes."
"Ok, uh," I stopped to go back over my thoughts. This is a lot to take in. I can't even imagine what it must be like having to got through it. "So like, if you want me to call you a girl, I can. If it makes you feel more comfortable."
"I... do not know, Callum." He said. "Sometimes I feel like a boy. Sometimes I feel like a girl. Sometimes I feel like all, or nothing. And sometimes I do not know."
"Ok, uh... right, ok. Sorry I don't really know much about this stuff, but like... I don't know. But it's not a bad thing, okay? I promise. So you don't have to be sorry, or anything like that."
"I understand, Callum, and I thank you, so very much, for trying to understand. It is confusing, I know. It is confusing for me, too. I was trying... to understand my feelings, for a long time. I am still trying. It feels... wrong. Boys need to be boys and girls need to be girls, yes? It is not... natural. It is not..." As I watched him, expecting him to say more, I realised he had started full on sobbing.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, come here," I said, opening my arms. He rested his head on my shoulder, gripping the collar of my school shirt I still hadn't changed out of. I have no idea what to say. Should I get Milly? I wondered.

No, Cal. He chose you to tell this to. Just comfort him, for God's sake, he needs it.

"I... don't know much about gender, or sex, or people, or anything like that, okay? I've never really thought about stuff like that much. But the way I see it is, if you feel you are something, or want to be something, and it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the problem, right? Like, if we only did stuff that was natural, we'd still be in caves walking on all fours and drinking from rivers, and to be honest, I prefer my bed and Mcdonald's to that idea," I felt him nuzzle into my neck, and I went warm instantly. "So I think if you want to be a girl... do that. Wear girl clothes, and makeup, and whatever the hell else, and if you don't, then don't. Maybe you'll choose one or the other, but for now, just do you want." I ran my fingers through his hair, slowly. "That's my take on it, anyway. Hey, can I ask you a question? But like, it's cool if you don't want to answer it."
He nodded, his face moving against my shoulder. "So, uh... do you like... girls, or guys, or...?"
"All," he said. "Both. I do not care."
"Oh, right, okay. Do you... fancy anyone, right now?"
"Yes," he said. "I like someone. It is a boy."
That felt like a stab in the gut, and I had no idea why. He's going to be friends, and talk to other people, you idiot. "Do you think he likes you back?"
"I... do not know," he mumbled. "I hope it, and sometimes he does things more than a friend, but I am scared. He is a very good person, and I do not want to stop to talk to him."
"Do you... want my advice?" I asked.
"Of course."
"Just go for it. Maybe not right now, but when we go back to school, or something, maybe. Or invite him somewhere over the week off. And if it all goes wrong, then, hey, you've still got me, right?"
He laid back down, looking up at me. "Yeah, I have. Thank you, Callum."
"You're welcome, Leon. Anytime, alright?" I smiled. "But goodnight, for real, now. I need to have a shower and sleep too, soon. School's not over for me until tomorrow, unluckily."
"Ok, I understand, but, one more thing?"
"Sure, what's up?" I asked.
"I told you that I did not send the text messages to you before because my parents were strict... I am sorry for that lie, too. On that weekend, I wanted to tell you everything about me. But I became scared, and ignored my phone and the idea and forgot about everything on the Monday. I am so happy you are so very kind. I am very grateful of you."
"Well firstly, you're super cool too, and secondly, no worries. Do you have your phone on you now?"
"Ah, no," he said. "My brother, um... broke it. He threw it to the floor, and it... was shattered. I am sorry."
"No, it's not your fault, no need to be sorry. Anyway, I'll call you when I wake up tomorrow, okay? But if you want to stay in bed, you can. Mam will be home tomorrow, but Milly's probably already texted her about it, so don't worry. And you also have free reign over the kitchen if you're hungry, too. Apart from any chocolate, that's Milly's property."
"I understand. Goodnight, Callum."
"Goodnight, Leon. And I'm only asking this, but... please don't go back to that place. Not like it is now, at least. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. You're welcome here for the time being, and if after that you find somewhere else you prefer being, that's okay. But please... you're safe here, now. And I don't want you to have to deal with all that, again."
"Thank you, Callum," he said, quietly. "Thank you. I say it many times because I want you to know it. Thank you, for everything you did since I came here. You gave me hope, now. I was afraid, but I think that I am a little bit calmer, now."
"Good," I said, smiling. I turned the light off, and looked back at him, one more time, even though I could barely make out his face in the darkness. "Sleep well, Leon."