You Better Know (Red Velvet Irene/Reader/Twice Sana)

Chapter Nineteen:

CALEB'S POV

It had been three months, on top of another 3 months, making it six months in total. I had been counting every day, by the hour, by the minute, by the second, but it all amounted to the same thing. Six months had passed with of no Sana around. The world she surrounded had so easily continued with her absence, except for me. I was stuck on her and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to move on but I couldn't. In such short amount of time she had become a part of me and I didn't even notice. I didn't know that she was all I ever wanted but conceivably everything I would never have. And thinking I would never get to hold her again or see her beautiful eyes destroyed my heart with a slow burning flame.

Only know you love her when you let her go and you let her go.

I had thought wrecking my Jeep would have been my lowest point but I still had left many more miles to fall. Part of me stupidly thought that maybe Sana would come back when she knew what happened. She didn't. But who would want that either way? You want someone to come back to you because they want to come back, because they love you, not because you're forcing them to or because you have to give them a reason to. That's not love. That's not what I wanted from Sana. I wanted her to know that I loved her just as much as she loved me.

You see her when you close your eyes. Maybe one day you'll understand why. Everything you touch surely dies.

I was without Sana and now without a Jeep. Not that it mattered anyway because I couldn't drive and I had nowhere I wanted to be. I was stuck in a shoulder brace and a leg brace. They should have been off months ago but there was no motivation left in me. I couldn't care less about physical therapy. Not having her around made it so east to stop caring about everything. I only wanted one thing and it wasn't going to happen. No matter how much I missed her. No matter how deep the hole inside me grew. I would never call her mine again and that was the regret that dug that hole deeper, she was once mine and I took it for granted.

There wasn't a day that I didn't spend hours calling and sending texts to a disconnected cellphone line of one Minatozaki Sana. They all went unanswered. She didn't come back. She never called. There was no sign of her anywhere. The smell of her on the sweaters of mine that she had once worn had faded and replaced by mine again. The pictures on my phone felt unreal. The more time progressed I began to doubt that she had even existed in my life. It all seemed so long ago, that she seemed unreal. Maybe she wasn't. At least that's what it seemed like now. Like she never existed. No trace of her anywhere in my life except for in my strained heart.

But yet, I could still find a hint of the taste of her lips from the first kiss we ever shared. The way her hand fit in mine when we walked to the restroom. Or the dance that our lips choreographed as we kissed for the first time. Or how my fingers found a way to through her hair. Why was it that I could still feel that tingle in my stomach when I thought about our kiss? But even this couldn't stop the color of her eyes and the comfort that it was to hold her close to fade from my memory.

Maybe I didn't deserve love. Here, I was pinning over Sana when Irene was still by my side. She offered me unconditional love above all the ache I had put her through and I wouldn't take it. I love Irene but not the way she wants me too and its not that I didn't love her to begin with because I did. I just learned that it was a different kind of love than from the one I felt with Sana.

Everything was different because of Sana. Different than from what Irene and I had. Everything was always so easy with Irene, to think that going back to where Irene and I where would be so much easier but it's not what I want and it's not what Irene deserves. I want crazy with Sana even if I never have it again and Irene needs someone that is worthy of that love she has to offer. Someone that will love her the way I love Sana, and that's not me. I can't take away the love that someone else deserves just because Sana isn't here.