Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Eighteen

Blake shadowed me for a week straight, but I was so consumed by my shit that I didn't even notice he was there half the time. I had this stack of missed calls and messages from Jamie on my phone wanting to know if I was okay and what the Hell was going on. I didn't get back to him at all. Blake ended up sending Jamie a message just to let him know I was still alive and that I wasn't pissed at him. I'd cut Jamie off plenty of times before but this time I wasn't ignoring him because I was mad at him over nothing. This time I just couldn't stand the thought of being around anyone, not even my best friend.

I got stuck in a loop for a while there, like I was in this bubble where time came to a stand still. The rest of the world was still moving, people still went about their day and Blake had gone back to work, but for me it was like no time had passed at all. Even though a week had slipped by it felt like I'd never really left that party. I was trapped replaying the memory of what happened to me day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. My head ached from thinking about it so much.

Saturday night Blake was back at work, I know he didn't want to leave me but he didn't have much of a choice, Charlie needed him. I mean, I felt like I'd just been broken in two but yeah, Charlie needed him so that was that. I know I hadn't paid Blake any attention that week, but it didn't mean I wanted to be alone. I was glad he'd been home with me all week, somehow it helped just knowing he was around. Maybe I should've actually told him that, huh?

Around seven that night Jamie came knocking at the front door. I'd been lying in bed since Blake left for work at four and I had no intention of getting up for anyone or anything. He knocked a few times and then he started banging his fist against the door and window. When that didn't work he tried calling my phone but I didn't answer it. Finally, he sent me a couple text messages, asking me to at the very least let him know I was okay. I just flipped my phone over so I couldn't see if he was calling or texting and eventually he stopped trying to reach me.

When it was getting close to eight I flipped my phone back over thinking Blake would try to call me on his dinner break. I had half a dozen missed calls from Jamie and a few texts from both he and Will. I didn't bother to read them, I knew what they'd be saying; Get out of bed, come have a drink, come to this party tonight. Whatever, wasn't in the mood for any of that. I deleted the calls and texts and put it out of my mind, I wasn't ready to see anyone or leave my room just yet.

Just as I'd thought, Blake tried calling me the second he went on his break. I drew in a deep breath, bracing myself and answered the phone.

Blake greeted me with this big sigh of relief like he'd been holding his breath and the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "Are you alright? I was worried you weren't gunna' answer the phone." He'd spewed it all out so fast I couldn't absorb what he'd said.

"Um, what?" I asked in a daze.

"Jamie left me a message, said he stopped by but you didn't answer the door."

I shrugged a shoulder, "Yeah, I didn't."

"Well, he sounded really worried about you Bud, can you let him know you're alright?"

I held my breath a second while I debated it in my head, "Mm, yeah," I grunted.

"Joel, are you okay?"

Telling him I was okay was physically painful but I did it anyway.

"Well, what are you doing, are you home?" He asked.

"Yeah, home," I said.

"You okay Bud?" Blake asked me, again.

I breathed out a sigh and nodded, lying was too hard, I couldn't bring myself to do it again.

"How come you didn't wanna' talk to Jamie?" Blake asked.

"Don't feel like talking to anyone," I said.

Blake was silent for a minute, like hearing that killed him.

"I know you don't, but I wish you would," Blake paused and drew in a deep breath. "I'm, I'm getting really worried about you."

His words hit me like I'd taken a knife to the chest. I folded my hand over my stinging eyes and sniffed hard as I tried to keep it together. I knew I was fighting a losing battle, I'd gotten pretty terrible at holding it together that week.

"I'm okay," I snivelled, "I just don't wanna' talk about it."

"About what Bud, what happened at that party?"

I gave my nose a wipe, "Nothing," I said. "Nothing happened, I just," I lost my nerve and didn't finish the thought.

"Just what Bud? Tell me," Blake said, pressing me for more.

Somehow, blurting it out over the phone was easier than saying it to him in person.

"I've just," I swallowed hard and gave my nose another wipe, "been thinking a lot, about when we were kids."

Blake breathed out a heavy sigh over the phone. Maybe that was the last thing he expected me to say? I don't know.

"What about it?" His tone had changed, his voice shaking, like it wasn't easy for him to talk about it either.

I was nervous to say it, afraid of what Blake'd say, of what he'd think of me.

"The day we left," I finally said.

He was silent again for a minute and it set my teeth on edge. I'd never talked to Blake about it before, not that I remember anyway. As far as I can remember, it happened, we left and we started this new life.

"Yeah, yeah, was fucked up Bud."

There was a really small part of me that thought I might've imagined the whole thing, that none of it had really happened. Blake'd never mentioned it before so maybe it was a false memory, an alcohol induced nightmare. Part of me hoped that his response would be, I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing happened, we just left. But it wasn't, he confirmed the nightmare, it really did happen.

"Why have you been thinking about all that for?" Blake asked.

When Blake admitted how fucked up it all was, it was like he'd hit me over the head with a mallet and it all started to sink in. It wasn't just my imagination, I really was there, on my knees, that guy really did... It really had happened to me.

For a minute, I think I stopped breathing. My stomach started churning as my mind kept jumping back in time. I dug my fingertips to my forehead trying somehow to force that memory to stay away. It didn't work.

"Joel?" Blake asked after the silence.

I drew in a ragged breath as the tears started rolling down my cheeks. In my head, I said Yeah, back to Blake, but it never managed to leave my lips. I took my phone from my ear and wiped a hand down my face but the tears kept coming. I knew I was about to buckle and have a meltdown for the hundredth time that week, so I just gave in. I didn't give a second thought to Blake still being on the line, I just sat my phone down on the bed and started sobbing into my hands.