Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Nine

After that fight we had we made an effort to patch things up. Blake apologised, I apologised and at the time I'm sure we both meant it but after that day things between us weren't the same. I never really settled down after that run in we had, felt like I was walking on eggshells around him a lot of the time. I mean, not once did Blake ever lay a finger on me and he never threatened to again, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. I know a lot of it was probably my amazing anxiety issues messing with my head, I know that, but when you grow up the way I did, man, it just fucks you up. I was always afraid I'd say something to set Blake off, that I'd push his buttons and he'd snap again. As much as I hate to admit it there's gotta' be some of Mum in us, that's just how it works, right? And after that fight we had that thought always kinda' hung around in the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my brother more than anything but anxiety just kinda' fucks with your head like that.

I think, to look back on it all now, I'd say the day I got in that fight with Blake was the day I started to spiral, hard. I was already struggling in School, that wasn't a secret, but things really started to get on top of me, you know, mentally.

With the help of Charlie I spent my term one holidays studying my ass off. Every other morning he'd come over and we'd spend a few hours going through some Math and Science exercises, those were the two subjects I was really taking a beating in. I wasn't expecting it to, but spending that time together working on my School stuff really helped smooth things over between me and Charlie. I guess I started to see what Blake saw in him, he was a good guy and he really did care about us, I was just always too busy being an ass to notice that.

I didn't see a lot of Jamie over the break, think we only hung out once, maybe twice. When School went back it was like we hadn't seen each other in a year and I started to lose perspective of my priorities, again. I couldn't pull my head in at School, I was too busy mucking around with Jamie and flirting with the girls in our class to care about getting anything done. Charlie tried to keep me in line, every Tuesday night he'd be over at our place and we'd sit down and get some work done. We did that for about six, seven weeks, until I started getting sick of it. He'd come over and try to get me to focus but I just couldn't, didn't want to. He'd try to talk me through some math problems but I'd just zone out, sit there and fidget with my pen instead. It took a while, but eventually I wore him down and he gave up trying to get through to me.

It didn't happen overnight but eventually I gave up on School, I lost motivation for it completely. In the beginning I was just having fun and stirring up trouble in class with Jamie because we could. We'd mock our teachers, talk back to them, throw spit balls around the class, we did whatever we felt necessary to keep ourselves entertained. We were the class clowns and we loved every minute of it. We didn't take anything seriously, everything was a joke or a chance to impress a girl, we were just stupid kids having a good time. But, somewhere along the line I stopped doing those things for a laugh. When I talked back to a teacher it wasn't to make anyone laugh or to impress a girl, I was after a fight. I started snapping back at my teachers, yelling at them, telling them to get fucked. If I wasn't arguing with my teacher I was locking horns with another kid in class. I was sent out of just about every class, spent more time in the Principal's office than at my desk and more time in detention than at recess or lunch.

I think everything I'd been through in the past finally started to catch up with me and I turned into one Hell of an angry kid. After that fight I had with Blake it all just came screaming back to me, all the memories, all the abuse, I didn't want to look back but at the same time I couldn't stop my mind from going there. I never really did deal with anything I'd been through as a kid, never talked to anyone about it, not even Blake. We never talked about what we'd been through, after we ran away it was like we became different people, like all that stuff happened to us in another life or something. Never talked about any of it, don't think that really helped either of us, I know it didn't.

It wasn't just me that had started coming apart at the seams, Blake wasn't coping real well either. I can't say I really noticed when it started but he started drinking a lot. I think maybe after the fight we had he saw some of Mum in himself too and he couldn't handle that. I know the way I was acting didn't help the situation, but I'm not sure it was just all about me. Day time drinking was something I'd never seen Blake do but by the end of year ten it was something I didn't go a day without seeing. I wish I could go back and do things differently and give him the help he clearly needed but it's too late for that now. I was too angry and wrapped up in my own shit to be able to help anyone, even my brother. He was always there for me no matter what it cost him but when he needed me I wasn't around. I always go back and wonder if I'd just done things differently, if I'd been there for him what would things be like now? Would he even have wanted my help? Would things have turned out differently? It's all I think about now days, what could I have done differently? The guilt of knowing I could've done a lot of things differently has been eating me alive.

Term two of grade ten ended just as spectacularly for me as first term, except this time everyone saw it coming. I was failing nearly all of my classes, the only one I wasn't failing was P.E. Every one of my teachers had written in my report card about my appalling attitude and disruptive behaviour in class and that if it continued into third term I would be looking at expulsion. I didn't understand how that was meant to be a threat, being kicked out sounded like a reward to me, not a punishment.

Term three, my final stretch of High School was by far my worst one. My first week back at School I managed to get suspended after I was caught smoking cigarettes on the School grounds. After my three day suspension for that I decided to take an extra little break and didn't go back to School for another week. I stayed at home, played games, snuck a few of Blake's beers out and drank them with Jamie. I even spent a few days loitering around town mouthing off to strangers and when the moment felt right, swiping chips, chocolate, clothes, whatever, from the shops in town. When I got sick of that I went back to School to see what trouble I could get into there. I don't know that Blake was clueless that I'd been skipping School, but I don't think he had the strength to rip into me about it either. I don't feel good about it, I know the way I behaved back then really put a lot of pressure on Blake, I didn't mean for it to be like that but I was selfish and didn't see how it was affecting him.

When I went back to School I just got caught in this circle of causing trouble, getting into trouble and finding my way out of trouble. I kept pushing to see how far I'd get before they'd expel me. That term I was suspended at least half a dozen times, one time being because I was caught having sex with one of my classmates behind the gym building. Can't say I regret that though. I was getting in fights with the other kids and I mean full on punch ups. I'd pick fights with my teachers any chance I'd get. It got to a point where one of my teachers, Mr. Hendesy, wouldn't even let me in his classroom anymore. When I'd get to class he'd tell me to sit outside in the hallway 'til class was over. Can't say I blame him, I did give that poor bastard a hard time. As out of control as I got, and as many suspensions as I received, I still never managed to push anyone into expelling me. So yeah, as you can tell, third term was me at my worst. I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise but I failed year ten and was told if I wanted my HSC I'd have to repeat year ten but I wasn't welcome to do that at Chelsea High School. If I wanted to do it over, I'd have to find somewhere else to go. None of that appealed to me, at all.

It wasn't a shock to Blake or Charlie that I'd failed year ten. Charlie had pretty much spent as much time at School as me trying to clean up my messes so he knew about everything I'd done. Neither of them had a go at me about failing year ten, I think by that point they'd both kind of accepted that School was a lost cause for me and were just relieved when it was finally over. Blake did try to give me the whole think about your future speech, I sat through it, nodded along, and thought about what I'd be doing that weekend with Jamie. I didn't give a fuck about my future but at the same time I didn't wanna' break Blake's heart and tell him that, so I sat there and listened, kind of. Blake knew I wasn't keen on going back to School and I don't think he saw any point in it either given my attitude that year so he didn't push me. He did say he wasn't gunna' let me sit on my ass and play x-box all day while he paid our rent and everything so Charlie set me up with some work at the Pub. That got off to a rocky start to say the least.