Charlie was—as far as the School was concerned—my guardian. If there was a form that needed signing, Charlie's signature went on it. If there was a PTA meeting at School, he went to it. If I got into trouble with another kid or a teacher—and I did—he was the one that got the call. Not because Blake didn't want to do those things for me, but because it was part of his master plan illusion that we were normal and there was no need to send me into foster care. At the time I didn't really appreciate how much Charlie took on for us, again, I was just kinda' oblivious to it all. It was kinda' like, he was like a parent, you know, a Dad, I guess. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I resented him for that.
The more Charlie started doing Dad like things for me, the more I pushed him away. I was so friggen clingy with Blake that I just didn't want anyone getting in between me and him. I didn't understand that there were some things Blake wasn't allowed to deal with. I was such a prick, I didn't wanna' listen to anyone but Blake. I walked around with this big chip on my shoulder like all I needed was Blake to get by and I didn't even think how much pressure that was putting on him... Selfish. Selfish bastard I was. And when I didn't want Charlie dealing with something or taking me somewhere, I'd snap at Blake. I'd yell at him and get all crazy about how he must hate me and resent me for everything. I'd say how he didn't have time for me anymore, just like Mum and Dad. Yeah, I said those things. When I sit here and think back to the crap I've spouted off at Blake over the years it makes me want to cock a gun under my chin and just—Bang. I hate that I got so crazy like that, I wish I could take it all back because I didn't even mean it... I didn't mean half of what I said to him.
Anyway...
So, it took me a while before I made any friends at School. When I first started I kept to myself all the time. At lunch I'd go off somewhere where I could be alone so I didn't have to see the other kids having fun together. I wanted to join in with them, but, I dunno', I was too scared. I'd come home—to the Pub—after School and Blake'd wanna' hear all about my day. Every day he'd ask if I'd made any new friends and every day it looked like it killed him to hear I didn't.
After a few weeks of being a social outcast at School one of the kids in my class started talking to me. He'd tap me on the shoulder in class and ask if I knew the answers to the questions, then he'd follow me out of class and ask to share my notes. When the bell rang for lunch he'd give me a wave and say something like, "See you in Math," and then he'd sit next to me in our next class. After a while he just started following me around. The lunch bell would ring and instead of waving me off he'd follow me outside and keep talking to me. He wasn't like some nerd that saw I was alone and latched on to me. He had this big group of friends that I'd seen him play footy or cricket with at Lunch and one day he just started following me around. It wasn't just me he was like that with, Jamie, he's nice like that to everyone. He's the kind of kid that stands up to bullies, that wants everyone to have a friend. He's like a dog, you know? Looking out for man and loyal to the end. In the mornings when Charlie dropped me off Jamie'd come find me and we'd hang out before class. Then at Lunch he'd come get me and we'd play some footy with his mates. Wasn't long before he became my best friend at that School. Got really lucky, he's got a heart of gold that fella' does. Even though I fucked things up about a thousand times with us, that never changed.
There's so much I wish I could change about the way I've treated people. Every time I think back, I picture doing it—Bang.
School was something I—surprisingly—used to be pretty good at. I used to be switched on and pick up on things easy, not sure where that all went. With things being the way they were at home I did spend a lot of time in our bedroom closet studying. Tuning out the world around me is one of the few talents I have, I can switch off to the point where it's like I've got ear plugs in. So yeah, spent a lot of time with my nose in a book learning about this and that. I guess I've always been like that, curious, wanting to know how things work. If things would get really messed up at home Blake'd take me down to the park near our house and we'd hang there for a while. We'd go through our School work and study like everything was normal, like it was normal for us to need to leave the house and sit out in the middle of nowhere to get some studying done—I guess that was normal for us.
Blake never really cared that much about School but he always helped me out when I'd ask. He was always like that with my School work, even before we ran away. When I started year eight though we sort of hit a brick wall with a lot of things. I'd come home—at that stage still to the Pub—and like always Blake'd wanna' hear about my day. I'd ask for his help with my homework and he'd try but I was bringing home algebra and essay writing assignments, I was bringing home all this stuff he couldn't help me with anymore. When I was in year eight, that was when Charlie really started to step up with us and I didn't appreciate it. Blake would tell me to ask Charlie for help with my homework and I'd snap at him over it. I knew Blake wasn't brushing me off 'cause he didn't care or have the time, it was 'cause he didn't learn any of that stuff, I knew that and I still snapped at him. Was such a little shit.
Eventually Blake couldn't help with any of my School work. When he turned eighteen he started work on the bar which meant I saw a lot less of him. He'd work through lunch then sleep for a while, wake up for dinner at about five and we'd catch up for a bit before he'd head down to the bar for work. He worked long hours, split shifts, he didn't sleep eight hours straight ever and I just bitched about him not having time for me. Spoiled little shit hey? At the time when I was mad about that stuff I didn't realise how clingy I was being. Now, looking back, I see it. It's like, I feel like I was a crazy person, just needed Blake all the time, only wanted to talk to Blake, only wanted his advice, his opinion, was always about Blake. I don't know why I was like that—think I was probably always like it but it just really started to show as I got older.
With Blake working all the time I started hanging out with Jamie a lot more. Blake'd be catching up on sleep when I'd finished School for the day so I started going to Jamie's house instead. I liked going there when it was just me and Jamie but I didn't like being around his parents. His Mum always fussed over me, telling me I was too skinny and stuff, I didn't like that. And his Dad was kinda' scary, like real serious and tough on Jamie, didn't like that either. We'd hang out, play some games on the x-box, whatever, then when it started to tick over to five o'clock I'd head home so I didn't have to be around his parents. I mean, it's not like they're bad people, they're not. Like I said I'm kind of weird socially and being around his family was too much for me sometimes. Honestly, think the hardest part of it is being around a family that's normal, it's kind of like a slap in the face, you know? Just hurts. I never said any of that to Jamie though, I mean, that's my issue, not his. If I could have invited Jamie over to the Pub instead of going to his place I would have, believe me. He always asked to come over, he tried to pry into my life and ask about my parents all the time but I knew I couldn't say a word. Blake had drilled it firmly into my head that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about our situation, and for a long time I didn't.
I did pretty well in School, you know, considering everything. Cruised through High School without a hitch until about end of grade nine, year ten, that's when things started getting on top of me. I lost focus and stopped caring so much about doing well. Blake didn't have the time to watch me closely anymore and I took advantage of that. Lied to him for a while about how I was doing in School, told him I'd done my homework when I hadn't, said I didn't have assignments when I did. When I came home with my end of year report he was really disappointed in me. I thought about hiding it from him, I came up with all these scenarios where I could've lost it on the way home but when it came down to it I handed it over. I knew he was gunna' be mad so I just sat there quietly waiting for it to come as he flipped through the pages, but he didn't say a word. I sat there sweating like a pig as I waited for whatever I had coming but it never came. He closed up the report card, sat it on the bench and said, "We'll talk about this later." Then he went downstairs, went to work, and that was it. His not saying anything to me was worse than all the yelling I'd imagined we'd do. For the first time, I'd really let him down, I knew it and that hurt worse than anything he could've said. There he was working himself to the bone so I could get what he didn't have, and I was just throwing it away. I knew all that, but I just didn't want to work hard anymore, I didn't want to spend my time studying, I didn't want to keep trying. I didn't realise it at the time but I was breaking, I don't know why it happened then but it did, I broke.
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Relatively Dependent
सामान्य साहित्यA story of two brothers who have nothing in life but each other. The story is told through the main character, Joel, as he recalls events from his childhood and how he and his brother, Blake, escaped the nightmare of their Mother's drug fuelled abus...
