The days that followed that party were some of the hardest I've ever lived through. I kept cycling through that memory day after day, it was all I could think about and the weight of the whole situation had hit me like a tonne of bricks. I felt physically sick all the time, I think over the course of three days I managed to eat two slices of toast, which I vomited back up. I felt physically and mentally drained even though all I did was lie in bed all day. Felt exhausted, weak, but I couldn't sleep no matter how tired I got. It got to a point where I didn't even feel sane anymore, I really just felt like I'd lost my mind.
Blake tried his best to get me to talk about what happened, to let him in even just a little bit, but I couldn't do it. I barely managed to utter two words to him in the span of a week. The day after that party when I was just a complete wreck Blake didn't leave my side. Even though I wouldn't talk to him or even acknowledge he was in the room, he stayed with me the whole day. He set up Family Guy on his laptop and left that to play throughout the day, he brought me food and drinks, but I didn't acknowledge any of it. I couldn't do any more than what I was doing, lying in bed was all I could manage for a while.
When Jamie came by to drop off my stuff I know Blake gave him a grilling. From my bedroom I could hear Blake's roaring voice but it wasn't clear enough to make out what he was saying. I felt a little bad knowing Jamie was getting blasted by my brother, none of this was his fault or even had anything to do with him, but still I couldn't manage to get a word out, not even to save Jamie. I just lied there listening to Blake, wondering what he was saying, hoping he wasn't being too rough on Jamie. I know most of it was probably just Blake venting his frustration, he'd been trying to get me to talk all day and he wasn't getting anywhere. I think that when Jamie didn't have an answer for him either it made him snap.
Sunday night, Blake called Charlie to let him know I wouldn't be into work for a few days. I didn't ask him to call or anything, guess it was just pretty obvious since I couldn't get out of bed that I wasn't gunna' make it into work. When he got off the phone he came back to my room to let me know what he'd done, work was honestly the furthest thing from my mind so I'm glad Blake thought to let Charlie know I was too fucked to go in. Then he said he managed to get a few days off from work as well so he could stay at home with me and I felt so guilty hearing that. I'd been a terrible brother to him for a long time. I'd let him down more times than I care to admit, I lied to him all the time, I talked back to him, gave him a hard time, swore at him, I was never thankful for anything, I never appreciated anything he did for me. I'd treated him so badly but there he was still doing anything and everything he could to make my life easier. Felt so completely engulphed with guilt. He was still the same caring brother he'd always been, I was the one that had changed. I told myself that from that moment on things would be different with us. I'd make more of an effort, appreciate him more and look out for him more. I'd curb my attitude and finally brush that chip off my shoulder, I wasn't gunna' let Blake deal with my shit anymore.
I'm sure in the moment I really meant it.
YOU ARE READING
Relatively Dependent
General FictionA story of two brothers who have nothing in life but each other. The story is told through the main character, Joel, as he recalls events from his childhood and how he and his brother, Blake, escaped the nightmare of their Mother's drug fuelled abus...
