Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Six

I spent the end of year nine holidays hanging out with Jamie. I started staying over at his place a lot, sometimes for two or three nights in a row. When I did go home to the Pub Blake and I were butting heads. He had a thorn in his side over my poor grades and even though he didn't say anything I knew he was pissed off at me. I'd snap at him, he'd snap back, we'd go a day without talking and the cycle continued for weeks. I never apologised to him for letting him down, I never said I'd try harder or do better, I just kept on snapping at him over anything and everything.

When I came home from a few days away at Jamie's I went into our room at the pub and saw all our stuff had been boxed up. I thought we were getting kicked out, that something had happened between Blake and Charlie. I panicked and ran downstairs looking for Blake and it was the one time he wasn't hanging around. I asked Taya at the bar if she knew where he was and got nowhere so I went looking for Charlie. I'd been keeping my distance from Charlie for a while, we didn't talk a lot anymore, not unless something had happened at School. It was stupid but I kind of resented the fact he and Blake had grown so close, especially since things between Blake and I were so strained. I went and barged into Charlie's office, didn't care about the fact he had someone in there and started shooting my mouth off at him.

"How can you kick us out?

"Blake's done everything for you!

"He looks at you like you're his Dad and you do this to him!"

I spat out all kinds of crap at Charlie and I didn't stop. I got flustered, I got angry, I got aggressive and I started trashing his office. I lost it. I'd scared the person off out of Charlie's office, I'd never seen the guy before and I never saw him again. Charlie was trying to get me to stop and calm down, he was yelling over the top of me, grabbing me by the arms but all it did was make me crazier. I shoved at him and I went to throw a punch but he blocked it and twisted my arm back and then I couldn't move. He had me in this hold and every time I tried to squirm free he tugged at my arm and I knew if I didn't want to dislocate my shoulder I had to calm down.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Joel," Charlie said. "If you're talking about moving out I didn't tell Blake to get lost. He said you guys are getting your own place, I didn't kick anyone out."

It took a second for me to process what he was saying and when it finally sunk in Charlie let go of me.

"Haven't you spoken to your brother?" Charlie asked me.

I thought back on it and I could've sworn Blake'd never mentioned anything to me about moving out of the Pub.

"I think he's at your new apartment now, getting things settled in, do you want to call him?"

I turned on my heel and walked out, didn't say sorry, didn't say anything. The irrational and crazy side of my brain started to tune back in. I started thinking Blake was leaving without me, he'd finally had enough of me and he was just going to leave without saying anything. I was sure that was the situation, so sure of it that I swiped a bottle of Scotch from the bar and ran off with it. I went to the skate park near the Pub, found a spot away from the rest of the world and I started chugging down that Scotch. I'd never been drunk before but I'd seen Blake drown himself in alcohol enough times to know it was what you did when you wanted to escape.

I drank so much that night that I honestly don't remember most of it. I have a few short snippets of the night I can remember but for the most part it's gone. Next thing I remember is waking up back in our room at the Pub. Charlie had called Blake and told him I'd flown off the handle, they spent the night looking for me and found me passed out at the park with an empty bottle of Scotch next to me. I was so sick. I've never been so sick before in my life. I spent the day in bed with a bucket tucked under my arm and I vomited my guts up. All day I kept vomiting, I couldn't keep anything down. I was trembling from the cold and my nails had turned blue. I couldn't get warm even with three blankets piled over me. I had alcohol poisoning, no doubt about it. I really should've been in Hospital but Blake and Charlie were taking care of me. It took a few days but I came good eventually.

Blake hardly left my side for two days straight, he wasn't mad like I thought he'd be, he was worried sick about me. He told me that the way things had been with us wasn't okay, that things had to change and we needed to move out for that to happen. He had no intention of abandoning me, but, for some reason it was the explanation that made the most sense to me. Blake asked me why I did that to myself, why I made myself sick like that and I told him I thought he was leaving me. I said that I thought he was gone, that he was done looking after me, that I'd pissed him off too many times. I just broke down and started crying, I didn't mean for it to happen but the thought of Blake leaving me was more than I could take. He hugged me and hugged me and hugged me some more and told me the only way he'd ever leave me was in a body bag. I felt so stupid for thinking it, that he was just going to up and leave like Dad did, felt like such an idiot. Sometimes I can't help it, my mind just takes me to these crazy places and I can't stop it. Even when I can stop and think about it, I realise I'm being crazy, but then I just keep riding the crazy train anyway.