Love Buzz - Kurt Cobain Fanfic

Chapter Fifty Nine

The hospital smell was starting to make me sick. Even after all the fresh air I was getting, every time I stepped back inside the building, I wanted to vomit.
Frances was now sound asleep against my chest. I stroked her hair softly, trying not to cry once more as my mind wandered to the previous night, when all of this started.
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"Kurt..you have to stop..you have to."

"Well, I can't. Okay? Do you not understand that?! Jade..you married a piece of shit and you knew what you were getting yourself into. You knew I was a no good junkie the day I slipped that ring onto your finger."

"You promised you would try to get better, Kurt..you fucking promised. Now you won't even try."

"BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN'T, JADE!!!!
Do me a favor. Take our daughter. And run far away. Away from me. Don't allow her to be near me. Don't look at me a second longer. Just go away, Jade. Just fucking go away. I refuse to drag you down this path. Just go. GO!!!"

"Kurt..no..I can't leave you alone. I won't. I fucking won't."

"Jade..I said..GO!!!! I don't want you here. Okay? Not anymore. Leave. Now."

"Kurt..you can't be serious.."

"Well, I am. If you won't leave, then I will. Fuck off, Jade. You're letting me ruin you. You're too good for me. Just fuck off. Please..please..just fucking leave. LEAVE!!!!"
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Kurt's screams echoed in my head as the image of him, red faced and screaming with his hair in his hands as he cried, echoed in my brain. It brought tears to my eyes as I held my little girl even closer to me, as if she may slip away too.
I wanted my husband.
I wanted the Kurt I knew to love, and heroin was taking that place.
Kurt was a bright light that warmed my soul. He had so much in him, and I had never met anyone so beautiful. Inside and out.
Kurt radiated. I had seen it so many times, and my heart was breaking as I realized the demons were taking him over, trying their hardest to burn out that bright light of his.
I refused to sit back and watch it happen.
I would do everything in my power to save Kurt.
I needed him.
The sleeping little girl in my arms needed him.
Kurt could scream at me to go away all he wanted, but I knew deep down, he doesn't want me to.
I was snapped out of my racing thoughts when I suddenly felt the pressure of a hand on my shoulder.
"Jade..um. Kurt asked if you're here."
Krist told me softly, after speaking with a nurse.
"What? He did?" My heart raced.
"Yeah..i think he wants to see you." He mumbled.
I was unsure of what would happen once I stepped through the door, so I handed Frances over, and nervously walked into Kurt's room.
"Hi." He whispered, not even looking up at me.
"So you want me to come back now, huh?" My voice shook as I struggled to stay calm. He looked so fucking sad, all I wanted was to help him. And I didn't know how.
"I just..don't want you to go down this path with me, Jade."
"Well, it's sort of too late for that, Cobain. You married me, remember? We have a baby girl. I sort of have no choice, Kurt. And neither does Frances. So how about you think about that the next time you're shooting up."
"You don't think I already do?! I don't want to be this way..i don't fucking want it. I. Can't. Stop." He slowly looked up at me, and I almost hit the floor.
He looked horrible. I mean..horrible for Kurt. Still beautiful as always, but there was a look in his eyes that made my skin crawl. Those blue orbs were full of darkness, not an ounce of light left.
"Kurt..I love you.." Was all I was able to say, my voice barely there as tears poured from my eyes.
"Why?! Why Jade?! Don't. You need to..you need to leave me. Okay? I love you..you know that. But, for your own good. You need to just leave me, Jade." He sniffed, quickly looking away to hide the tears in his eyes.
"Kurt..you know I can't do that. I can't leave you. I won't. Please get help. Kurt. Please. I know you can win this."
I sat down beside him on the bed, and he suddenly grasped my face in his hands.
His eyes burned into me, and I was sure I was going to break.
"I love you." Were the only words that escaped his lips.
His eyes said the rest with ease.
The two blue orbs told me that he was scared, ashamed, and hopeless.
I desperately wanted to somehow just pull it all out of him.
All of the darkness inside him was seeping out through his eyes, and it broke me to see him fading away.
"You're not going to he alone, Kurt. Okay? You won't. You're going to get better. And everything will be alright." I was mumbling words out loud as if trying to assure myself, trying to find some form of comfort as his eyes screamed helplessly at me.
He remained silent for a few moments, hanging his head in thought before he looked in my eyes again.
"Fine. I'll try rehab again. Just once. One more fucking time. One more pointless fucking time." His voice shook with a thousand emotions.
There were no hope in those words he had spoken.
But, it was a start, and at that point, I was desperate for anything.