Weightless

13

Once the party starts to finish Melanie brings us back down to the ground level, I see my Mum signaling to us that we're leaving. "Goodbye Melanie, I'll see you at school," I say, hugging her goodbye. "Goodbye," Jisoo just waves and we walk off. "Is that another one of your friends?" Mum asks, I nod. We get into the car and Mum drives us home.

Jisoo and I walk up to my room, "okay, what's wrong?" Jisoo asks once we've closed the door, "my... my arms?" I check. Jisoo nods, "I dunno, I guess my depression has just been really bad," I sigh. "Jungkook, when we went shopping, you were grabbing size threes and twos, I even saw you grab a size one!" Jisoo says. Jisoo lets out  shaky breath, "and even then, you said it was too big," Jisoo sighs. "Jisoo, since the last time we've met my father's beating have gotten worse, he put me in hospital, that's triggered a lot of things you know? I can't help that before the school I'm at now I was bullied, it's kind of hard to stay positive you know? I was told things like I was fat, ugly, worthless, pig, daddy's boy, fag," I start to shake, remembering all the cruel words.

Conveniently, my stomach rumbled at that exact moment, "I've been on abc diets, I've fasted for three weeks on end, I only eat enough to stay alive! Because when I was at a 'healthy' weight I was called fat, and now as much as I want to stop I can't! Because it's an addiction and I'm high on it!"I vent, before I break down. "I try to eat, but I can't bring myself to eat more than 600 calories a day, and when I do I throw it all up," I sob, Jisoo starts crying at my state. "I can't even keep up an abc diet because on the days when I'm supposed to be eating 900 calories I can barely eat 50," I cry out.

"Jungkook, no one said struggling with depression, anxiety, anorexia and the rest of it would be easy, but you also have to try, try to eat, try to put down that razor and try to keep calm," Jisoo says. She wraps her arms around me, "come on, let's go get you some water, maybe something to eat?" Jisoo says, we get up and go down stairs to the kitchen. I chug the water while Jisoo makes a sandwich. "Here," Jisoo whispers, I look at it, I really wanted to eat it. "Don't, there's 500 calories in that, you've already eaten 200 today," Ana whispers.

I ignore the voice, pick it up and bite down. Jisoo rubs my back, and takes the other half, "come on," Jisoo sighs, we go back up to my room. We both had tear stained cheeks, I finish the sandwich, "that's 250 calories," Ana whispers. I shake the thoughts out of my head, "I know it's going to be hard, but you can't get better in one go, it's going to take time," Jisoo comforts, putting her hand on my knee. I hear a car pull up outside the house, "that's probably my parents, I have to go now but please, eat."

"I'm not ready to get better yet," I whisper to myself once Jisoo leaves. I go to my bathroom and pull out the scale, I turn it on and once I could, I stepped on it, the number 30 looks at me. "Your killing yourself, so, so, so slowly, in the most painful way," a different voice in my head whispers, I sigh and step off the scale, turning it off. I strip my clothes and step in the shower. The cold water runs down my back, I look at the cabinet, where I keep my razors. "No, you made a promise, you are NOT going to break a promise that soon," I tell myself.

I hop out the shower, the fluffy bathroom mat feels good against my feet. I look at my finger nails, the were slightly purple. I sigh, "it's all worth it, your skinny," Ana whispers. I ignore Ana and walk down to the kitchen after dressing myself, grabbing a bar of chocolate, "Jungkook," Ana says in a warning voice. I break a piece off, "Jungkook, don't," Ana warns. I put the piece in my mouth, chew and swallow. "JEON JUNGKOOK!" Ana screams, I continue to ignore her and eat more and more.

Look at it, I had already eaten like six squares. I put the chocolate back, running up the stairs and back to my room, throwing it all up. I throw up until it was only clear, "Oh Jungkook, you scared me," Ana says, relived, "I thought'd you'd eat without throwing up," Ana breath out. "SHUT UP! I'M NOT PROUD!" I scream inside my head. With that the voice stops and I sigh, looking at myself in the mirror.

I block out all the negative thoughts and just look at myself, how I would've before my father hit me, with pure eyes. I stand sideways, my stomach had sunken it so my rib cage and hip bone stuck out more, just a tiny bit. "ANA YOU BITCH!" I scream inside my head, "I WANTED TO BE SKINNY, NOT DEAD!" I scream. I fall back, finally grasping what everyone could see, I understood now why people were worried.

I sigh, but I wasn't ready to get better just yet I walk to my bed and sit down on my bed. I fall back and look at the ceiling, "what have I done to deserve this?" I ask. "What was so bad that made my Dad start beating me?" I ask again. "He didn't even have a good reason," I sigh to myself. I get up and turn off the light so my room was dark, except I didn't go to bed, I walked to the window and looked out. "From this point on, your going to try to get better," I say quietly to myself. "You WILL be healthy."