A Four Letter Word // Laurmani

XXXV (35)

Time Lapse: 1 Week

I've been stuck in the hospital for a week so far. I'll be able to leave by the end of this week but it's only Wednesday. I've gotten a lot of visits in the past weeks though.

A lot from my mother and "father" obviously, with Taylor and Chris included. A good amount of Ally and Dinah too. Even Mama Drea has come a few but not as much. Sadly, Normani hasn't come with her but I understand why. I fucked up.

Amandla is typing away on the computer next to my bed while I'm watching the tv in front of me. Someone knocks on the door and Amandla walks over to it while I focus on the show in front of me.

"Can I come in?" I freeze and turn to the door. Normani is standing in front of Amandla with a toy bear stuffed animal. Amandla nods and moves out the way for Normani to walk in.

"I'll give you two some alone time" Amandla walks out leaving us two by ourselves. Normani stands by the door awkwardly before walking over to me.

"I- um, I got you this bear" She hands it to me and I smile at it. I hug it and the smell of chocolate fills my nose.

"It smells so good" I look up at her. "Thank you" She gives a small smiling, but not with teeth. She pulls up a chair next to my bed and takes a seat.

"How's your foot and ribs?" She crosses her legs and gestures to my injuries.

"Amandla says my ribs are healing quickly, faster than others, but my foot is going to take awhile" Normani nods and looks down at her fingers while playing at them. I take in what she's wearing.

She has on blue right skinny jeans with black booths that come up to below her knees. She has on a nice black top with a long silver necklace. What I realize next breaks my heart.

On her finger, she's fiddling with the ring that I got her from Chuckie Cheese. My promise ring for her...

"I don't have the heart to take it off" I look up at Normani, but her gaze is still on the ring. "Even though you broke my heart, I won't let myself take it off" She looks up at me and her eyes are watered up. "Do you remember what you told me when you have this to me?" I continue to look at her not breaking our gaze. "You said that this ring will show that even if I can't be there or I'm not there in some sort, doesn't mean I'm not actually with you. I'll always be here with you Normani. No matter what we go through together, I promise" Normani quickly wipes the tear that trailed down her cheek. "Did you mean any of that?" I nod my head.

"Of course I did Mani. I-"

"Then why don't you love me?" I bite my lip and play with my fingers.  That was the question I was trying to figure out myself. It's the million dollar question.

Everyone says I show the symptoms that I love her. The fact that I would do anything to make her happy. To protect her from all the dangers in the world. Or that I would jump in front of a bullet for her. But all those made me think.

What if I'm the one who makes her sad?

What if I'm the danger in the world?

What if I'm the one pulling the trigger?

(A/N: not foreshadow, relax lol🙂)

"It's complicated Mani. I-Its hard to explain" Normani bites her lips and begins playing with her ring again. We've both picked up this bad habit.

"Dinah told me that you do love me. You just don't have the strength to say it. That you think you're incapable of loving, when really you're not. That the reason it's hard for you to love is because of your dad" I tense up at her words. I look away from Normani and back to the tv.

How could she just say that? Why does Dinah talk as if she knows me? All of this is none of their business.

"Leave" I keep my gaze on the screen.

"What?"

"Leave" It's silent before Normani breaks it.

"You can't be serious..." I stay silent and continue with my gaze on the screen. Normani lets out a sigh and stands up. She walks towards the door and turns the handle but freezes. "I know you love me, I do. You don't have to tell me because I already know. Just stop pushing me away and accept the fact. We could be together again, if you just accept it" She opens the door and walks out.

I look over at the door and sigh. I squeeze the teddy bear she gave me tight into a hug and snuggle it.

Dinah is right, it is because of my dad. He is the problem. I remember when I was just a little girl, he came up to me one night in my room. What he said stuck into my brain.

"Love isn't real. It's something humans created for no fucking reason. Men use it to get what they want from women, and I definitely enjoy that. Love doesn't exist Lauren, remember that"

"W-What about Mommy?" He laughs.

"What about her? She's just a woman I got pregnant. Love. Doesn't. Exist"

He told me this when I was 7. A 7 year old girl who believed anything her parents told her, even that. Sadly, to this day it still sticks with me, but Normani makes me wanna change that.

She brings out the best in me and I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her...