Fifty shades shattered

Save me from myself

**Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts**

Play the song "You're only Human" by Billy Joel... fits perfectly with the chapter

Theodore's POV:

I knew he wouldn't understand, he can't. He doesn't live in the world we live in, he doesn't know what fear is. He could never understand what is happening and how serious the situation is.

How could I explain to my father that I got caught up with some of the most dangerous people in the country. That his beloved security team would stand no chance in front of these cruel monsters. That all he is doing, is dragging more innocent people into this battle. People who could be hurt in my name, people who could die in my place. I can't let that happen again, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it did.

But at the same time he could help, he could at least take Mom , Phoebe and Katy and make sure they are safe. He can keep them away from danger. But is it worth it, risking the lives of all these people who might get involved if I talked.

But I am tired, I am just so tired. I never wanted any of this to happen, I never expected it to. It was just a normal day like any other when I was walking back home from the gym, a day that changed my life. I don't know what happened but I suddenly felt something hard hit my head and the next time I woke up I was tied to a chair in a dim place somewhere.

That moment, turned my life into the hell that I am living now. I always heard about gangs and such either in the news or TV. But I never thought I meet one someday. I knew there were a lot of dangerous people in our town, I knew a lot of gangs lurked around but I always stayed away from them and they did the same.

However, that  day  they chose to involve me in their shit. Apparently, their leader had placed a bet on our basketball game, I knew that there were a lot of bets going around under the table. So they asked me to reduce the number of points we score so that he can win more money. They knew I was the captain and the strongest player on the court, so they made sure to inform me about the consequences of going against them. They didn't ask me to make my team lose, just to shave some points. Two days after that incident they turned me into a point shaver, they made me betray my teammates, my friends as they sat among the crowd and specifically behind my sisters.

From that day on they also had new requests or shall I say orders. The threats kept coming and I kept shaving points until one day my best friend And teammate realized that something was happening. I told him everything and he tried convincing me about going to the police. But i couldn't do it, they said they'd hurt me if I do. They always told me to go run to then police and see to which grave that would get me.

Days passed like that and things started to get more tense, until they asked me to lose the championship. The state championship, the one game that meant everything to us. This was the first time in 10 years that our school makes it to the final and I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't give up the game. I was so lost, and worried that I didn't know what to do.

The day of the game came and the coach told us that this would be his last game before retirement. He always wanted to coach and champion team and he was glad he got the chance to. Winning that championship would have meant the world to him and to every single player whose future depended on that. Universities offer scholarships and positions to the winning team. Most of the people in the team were just like me, dreaming of going to college and knowing that a scholarship is the only way to do that. I couldn't take that away from them, I couldn't be selfish enough to strip all these hard-working individuals from their dreams because I was scared.

So I decided to go against their orders, and to just play the game the way I would play any game. I believed that I would be able to handle the consequences, that they could hurt me as much as they want after the game. I would take anything as long as no-one's hard work goes to waste because of me.

We ended up winning the game and celebrating our success. Sam knew about everything and stood by me through it all, he tried to talk me out of it. He said that the trophy wouldn't be worth the danger it would put me in. But I didn't listen and convinced him that nothing too bad would happen. That most probably they were just bluffing.

Ohh how I wish I listened to him back then, I didn't know that the minute I scored that final shot I singed my best friend's death certificate. That shot didn't kill me but it took everything that was dear from me.

After the game he was driving mw back home when we saw the car speeding towards us. The moment we saw it, I knew that it wouldn't stop.  Before we could react the car was hit in full force and we went flying in the air. I tried to apologize to Sam, I wanted to so bad. But by the time the car to a halt everything was loud and hurting. My chest was on fire, my whole body was... but I wanted to check on my brother, my brother who died because of my selfishness. The brother who died in my place, the brother that I killed.

Yes i ended up in the cemetery, but only to mourn over my friend. Over the person I killed, i couldn't even reach out to him with my bloodied hands. My dirty murderous hands, the one's that took his life away. I was the one who was supposed to die that night bit I was saved...unfortunately I was the one who stayed alive. Oh how I wish it was me who died that night, how many times I dreamed of being buried six feet under instead of him.

But no, this is my punishment. This overwhelming pain  that is slowly suffocating me. The pain that is overwhelming my senses... the pain that will one day take me away... I thought about ending it many times, just one slit and it would be over. I could cut off my bloodied dirty hands and get away from the pain. But I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to live pain free. I deserve to hurt with every breath, I deserve to feel that continuous ache in my body. At least my black selfish heart was thrown away after the accident and I got the heart of a selfless person who save my unworthy self.

How do I explain all this to my father, to the man who promises to protect me from everything. The man who promises that nothing would hurt me anymore; how can he protect me from them? How can he protect from myself?!

It's too late for him to protect me, I am far too damaged to be saved. But there is a chance he can protect my little family, my innocent sisters and mother. The one's that could be Vladislav's next target. So maybe if I tell him he will protect them, take them away from all the pain and save them from me. At least then I could die knowing that they are safe... but the only person that can help or understand what happened is someone who knows where I come from. People like Christian Grey would never understand but Sawyer was born and raised in Denver... he must be able to understand this more. Understand how things work there, he is the only one who can keep them safe. That's why the moment he asks for the truth I ask for Sawyer. He needs to help me protect them, he is the only one who can.....

A.N:
Sorry for the long wait. But I hope this double update was worth it. This was a very emotional chapter, I tried to convey what Ted is thinking and feeling. The scariest monsters are the one's who live in our heads and make us hate ourselves. How can christian protect Teddy from himself?! I know this is too dark but things need to get rough before they get better. Next update will be sometime next week I promise. Until then give me your opinion about this chapter and tell me what you think. Did you see this one coming?