Fame Crazy (Sequel to Strings Attached)

Chapter 81

"Sam's the moose," Castiel whispers.

"A big squirrel named Dean walked — err, scampered in on the nephilim playing guitar alone in the band room."

"How did you know that?" Castiel asks.

"I know everything," Lucifer replies ominously. "The squirrel joined his guitar playing and made it a duet. The guitars blended perfectly and became one big guitar, which only happens with soulmates. It was then that they realized they were meant for each other.

"But one day, the squirrel had to leave. It made the half angel very sad, but no matter how much he begged, the squirrel would not change his mind. The squirrel went across the entire empire for five whole years, until one day, he figured out where his butterfly would be. He found his angel and they kissed and made up and lived happily ever after except for that one time for a few months. The end."

Everyone just stares at him for a few moments until they all start laughing, Castiel and Jody included.

"Well, that was... That was quite a story," Jody says finally.

"He's always like this, by the way," Castiel says. "It may seem like an act he puts on for you guys, but no, this is actually Lucifer on a daily basis."

"I'm honestly kind of jealous," Jody replies. "I'd kill for a brother like that."

"I know, I'm awesome," Lucifer says, flipping his nonexistent shoulder length hair. "No, kidding. It's a miracle they haven't killed me yet. At this point, I think the only reason Anna hasn't decapitated me with a butter knife is because Claire's easily the scariest person in our house and she can protect me."

"And there are now four million people who know who you are that would be kind of suspicious," Jody reminds him.

"They're not people. They're the robots from the Phineas and Ferb movie that alternate universe Doof sent after Phineas and Ferb and Perry when they jumped out of the building. That's the only explanation I can think of."

"Do I want to know how you thought of that?" Jody asks.

"I'm just wondering how you guys didn't think of that. I'm going to be the only one that survives the government poisoning us through our microwaves because all you sheep would never believe it!"

"Hey, Lucifer, do you also think the moon landing is fake?" Castiel asks teasingly.

"Well of course. I mean, have you seen the video? It's obviously fake. It was taken on Mars. We've already made it to Mars, and that's why despite all the talk, no one's actually tried to go there."

"Dude." Castiel gapes at him. "You just solved everything."

"I'm telling you, Castiel. I know everything."

"Yeah, clearly."

"It's kinda scary," Jody adds.

"Well, yeah; you're talking to literal Satan right now. You should be scared."

She laughs. "I'm shaking," she jokes. "I don't think we've gotten this off topic on this show in years."

"That's cuz this isn't my place," Lucifer replies. "Castiel does the celebrity things. I sit at home with a camera and laptop. I don't know what I'm doing, and I probably wouldn't have come at all if it wasn't for Misha."