Time to Survive

You Don't Want to Make It Worse, Do You?

  Chris POV

All my fault...
Dropped her right into them...
My fucking shoulder....
So much screaming, gotta help, gotta....

Someone was stroking my hair.

Long, soft strokes, and I could hear a soft voice, telling me everything was going to be okay, that everything was going to be fine and so was the group.

But I'd let one of us die.

It was my fault she was dead.

Devin would, he wouldn't forgive me for this ---.

"... and you never even let me hear you sing," the voice muttered, sounding irked. "So you need to get better and sing for me, okay?"

Kelsey.

Of course it was Kelsey.

Was she okay?

I needed to tell her, she didn't need to be kind to me, I --- I'd killed Kylie.

Id dropped her into a pit of deaders so they could rip her flesh off.

It was my fault.

All of it was my fault.

First Angelo, and Francesca, and Balz, now Kylie ---.

Devin would hate me, he --- he ---.

I opened my eyes.

I felt panicked.

At first everything was kind of bleary, but the more I looked around, the clearer her face became as she leaned over me. My head was pillowed in her lap, and her fingers were brushing my cheek, green eyes hooded as she gazed down at me.

"Chris," she sighed, sounding relieved. "How do you feel?"

How did I feel?

It didn't matter, I had to tell Devin!

"D-Devin," I rasped, and Kelsey bit her lip, eyes meeting mine.

"He's okay," she said after a moment, forcing a tight smile. "Sleeping, right now. He needs, he needs some time, yknow? How does your shoulder feel?"

My shoulder?

I hesitated, then moved it slightly, immediately grimacing at the twinges of pain that resulted from the motion.

"Hurts."

"It, it will for a while. Kuza and Ryan had to reset it, it was dislocated. And you cut your hands up pretty bad, but otherwise you seem to be okay," she brushed the hair from my forehead. "Are you thirsty? Hungry? You've been asleep for hours. I was starting to get really worried."

"It's my fault," I whispered, my gaze slipping off her face and up. I think we were in the car, I recognized the interior, and my legs felt kind of cramped, meaning we were in the backseat. I was too tall to be laying across it. It was dark outside, so it must be nighttime.

"What's your fault?" She murmured, caressing my cheek again. "You didn't do anything."

"But, I, I d-dropped her."

Her brows furrowed, and I felt her fingers still on my cheek. "Dropped who, Chris?"

I felt the ache start in my chest, where there had been nothing. I was coming too more and more, and now I could really feel the throb in my shoulder, but it was nothing to the guilt I felt over dropping her, letting her go through that pain ---.

"Chris?"

"Kylie," I rasped, my voice hoarse. "She fell into the deaders, I, I tried to grab her, but my shoulder --- it went numb, and she kept moving, and the, and the pack slipped, and I couldn't, I couldn't ---."

I could barely breath, and I clenched my hands around her arms, feeling the sweat on my palms, the overwhelming weight suddenly on my chest ---.

"Shh, shh, shh, it's okay," Kelsey burst quickly, her eyes flicking towards the windows. "Chris, it's okay, calm down! No, no, no, don't ---."

I forced myself up, staring at the windows.

I had to tell Devin, I had to --- it was my fault, I had to tell him what I'd done, I couldn't stand it ---.

"Chris, NO!"

My arms abruptly went out from under me, and I fell back, my head landing across her thighs in surprise. She winced, and then her arm was slipping across my chest, forcing me down like she could really keep me from going anywhere.

"Chris, listen to me," she bit her lip as she leaned in close to me. "It wasn't your fault, okay? You have absolutely nothing to be guilty of, absolutely nothing, got it? You don't have to tell Devin anything!"

"But I, but I do!" I gasped, feeling my chest tighten even more. "I have to tell him, Kelsey, I have too ---."

"No, you don't," she pressed, staring me down. "Devin doesn't have to know the details, he wouldn't want too, you understand? Let him just believe she's gone and that she died quick and painless, not --- you don't want to make it worse, do you? No. So you don't have to tell Devin anything."

Her fingers ran through my hair again, soothing me some more, and I saw her gaze soften.

"It's bad, what happened, but we knew we would lose people, Chris. It wasn't your fault. None of it. You did your best, didn't you? But you were hurt."

"But I ---."

"You. Were. Hurt." She repeated, her tone sharpening, and I quieted instantly. "You were hurt and you couldn't help, but that doesn't mean you didn't try. It was... it was just a bad situation. She fell into the hole, and you couldn't get to her in time, but you tried. You tried so hard." her voice was soft again, and my fingers slowly started to unclench.

She was right.

I did try, I guess. I'd grabbed her, but my hand --- it had just lost all feeling, and I couldn't control it anymore.

But her screams....

"Chris, look at me!"

My gaze jerked back to hers, and I realized I was breathing heavily, quickly, but I felt like I couldn't really breathe, like I couldnt ----.

"She died quick, didn't she? She didn't suffer." Kelsey stared at me, her green eyes almost luminescent in the darkness, the only thing I could focus on, the only thing that wasnt moving erratically.

I had to focus on her and what she was saying.

And How would she know? Was she asking me, or telling me?

I hesitated, then sighed, and lifted my right hand gingerly to my face.

"I shot her," I croaked after a second, squeezing my eyes shut. "When she fell, I couldn't do anything, and, and they were on her in seconds. So I just, I shot her. I ended it, I didn't know what else to do."

My brain felt so muddled right now.

"You did her a favor," Kelsey sighed, looking... resigned. "They would have torn her to pieces, and she didn't deserve to feel that. You did the right thing. But you didn't drop her, Chris, there's nothing to feel bad about. You just didn't get to her in time."

"Stop saying that," I muttered, raising my hand. "I did get to her in time, I just couldn't hold on. Not like I did for you."

Kelsey started to speak but paused, and she just looked at me, not sure what to say, I guess.

I hadnt let go of her that first day, when she'd jumped across rooftops and nearly fallen off that building. I hadnt known who she was, just saw she was fleeing the deaders, and I'd been to that side in seconds, grabbing her wrist before her hand gave out, all covered in blood and bleeding more.

She'd been a complete stranger, yet I'd managed to pull her over the building and save her life.

And I couldn't even do that for someone I'd known for years.

First Angelo, then Francesca, and Balz, and now Kylie ---.

We almost didn't have anyone left to lose.

Their names kept running through my mind.

"Chris, please, don't," her fingers brushed beneath my eyes, and I blinked, suddenly realizing there was dampness. "Don't, okay? Please, it wasn't your fault. It really wasn't, I'm not just saying that, I ---," she was starting to choke up, "please don't cry. Please please please."

I sighed, and closed my eyes quickly, turning my head against her stomach. I rolled best I could onto my right side, and buried my face against her dirty t shirt. I felt her hand slip back into my hair, stroking it despite how dirty and oily it had to be.

I guess hygiene wasn't really important anymore, huh?

I sighed, wishing I could just go back to sleep, never wake up, never come back to this waking nightmare my life had become.