Devote [book 1]

19

It's been a few months since I got raped and it's been hell.

One, I didn't really feel like I came to the giant realization of what happened. Two, it isn't fun when you do come to realization. And three, it's been a depressing roller coaster.

My house is a mess from how I've been dealing. Now, every time I close my eyes for even a bit, I see him. And though, I pray that I won't ever see him, I feel like he knows where I am at all times.

Practically everyone in Egypt knows me since I am the face of media and compromising meetings which does affect everyone.

Everyday, I've been trying to sleep but when I do it's only for half an hour or a little more. After basically waking up in the middle of the night, I go to my bath tub and bathe, not shower but bathe. I try relaxing and being void of any thoughts to come but it never really happens.

Like right now, while I'm submerging my head to go under the water, and everything else is muffled, I get to at least be void of everything for a few. I open my eyes to see my ceiling, and a hand. My eyes open wide as I get pulled out the water to see Lucas with a worried face.

"Are you serious? Oh my god, I thought you were trying to drown yourself...were you?" His voice cracked at the end.

I looked at him wide eyed like in a trance. Neither of us said anything, we were just staring at each other.

I snap out the trance remembering that I'm naked and I grab the towel and wrap myself with it as I slowly get up. Pushing my hair back, I proceed to talk.

"No, I wasn't trying to. I just wanted some peace time and to forget everything."

I started walking out the door to my bedroom.

"You scared me. I thought I was going to lose you again," he said. I winced when he said again remembering what happened about three weeks ago. I look at my wrist at the memories of it all.

"I wasn't myself then." Was all I said as I went to get changed.

By the time I came out, he was on my bed with his head hung low. I sat next to him in silence.

Good memories can be gone and forgotten but the bad ones haunt you and come back unexpectedly. It was better to stay silent then to cry and remember.

"I don't want to remember. I want to forget ya know?" I say.

I knew that saying "be careful what you wish for," but I feel like doubting this wish and want is something I don't want to do.

"That night, why did you do it?" He asked. I looked at my wrist knowing he wanted answers, something I wasn't keen on doing. The answers he wants aren't the ones I'll give him.

"Lucas...I'm a mess. I feel like a soul trapped. Freedom is such a simple word but it's hard to maintain. Just like right now, my freedom was taken unwillingly and I gave up. I'm giving up."

He sighed and hung his head low even more. I looked at him knowing that I was the reason he was hurting and worrying too much.

"I'm hurting you. I'm sorry, truly. I don't want you to worry about me anymore. It isn't fair to you." Knowing that I was the reason for his pain hurt me and tugged at my heart.

I got up from my bed and sat on my desk chair. I stare at the wall trying to muster up any courage to tell him why I did it.

"For myself. The answer to your earlier question, why I did it..." The memories came flooding back from that day.

I remember feeling so alive but dying. The only pain I felt was from the blood dripping from my wrist.

"What are you doing?!" I heard Lucas' muffled screams and yells.

I started to lose consciousness with the sounds being all muffled. I felt arms wrap around my waist and whispers of "It's going to be okay," "I'm sorry," and "Why did you do this?"

I smiled with my eyes closed. I was going to accept the darkness when I saw him. My smile was wiped off my face as I saw the man who raped me.

I started screaming, kicking, and punching at the air as the memories were all too surreal. I felt like his hands were on me once again and repeatedly mocking me.

I knew it wasn't real but it didn't matter. I opened my eyes to see Lucas running back in the room. Tears started to flood out my eyes and wouldn't stop. I cried and cried and cried for what seemed like hours were mere minutes.

"Please make it stop!" I screamed as fire coursed through my body. I screamed and panicked until I lost consciousness.

"Lucas, I didn't know you were going to find me that day-"

"You didn't know but if I didn't then you would've died. Why throw everything away?"

I sighed at his words knowing it was all the truth. I'd kill myself and throw everything away then get panicked attacks and flashbacks. I knew I was being selfish on my end but at that moment, when the blade touched my wrist, I didn't want to go back.

He got up from the bed and walked towards my bedroom door but stopped once he was in the hallway about to walk away.

"I love you, I really do that I'd rather die to get rid of everything you're going through, I'd rather die than to let you suffer, I'd rather be in your shoes than let you torture yourself and have thee panicked attacks that I don't know how to react to. I've stayed by you and consoled you. I can't promise to fix all your problems but I can promise to stand by your side so that you won't have to face it alone."

I first wrote this chapter differently but decided to put that for the next chapter. Like I've said before, before I write anything that I've never experienced or seen, I do my research and try to get the details right. It is common for rape victims to try and commit suicide whether it be the next day or next year, the trauma still follows whether they think they're healed or not.

I'll start doing the next chapter so that I can try and publish before I move because I'll be really busy unpacking and stuff.

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter as I tried to make it as realistic. Vote, comment, and share. Until next time, byeeee.