That-Sokovian-Bastard // Avengers (& other) Imagines

If I Didn't Believe In You - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 1212
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Featuring: Steve Rogers
Warnings: talk of PTSD, not a happy ending, talk about therapy and recovering from traumas, arguing
Summary: Based on the song If I Didn't Believe In You from The Last Five Years, you are a published author and your second book is being released. When Bucky decides he will not be attending the release party, you realize there is a deeper meaning than just not going to the party.
Requested by anon
Author's Note: This one is big angst! The ending is a tad open-ended. I love this movie sm. Also, I headcanon that Bucky would be a therapist after recovering so that is mentioned here.

*Edited*

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"I'm not going!" Bucky screamed, taking the tie off the suit he was wearing for the release of your book.

"Bucky, you have to go," You told him. "It's for the big release of my second book. This is super important, and I can't do it without you," You pleaded.

Bucky sighed and crossed his arms, and sat down on the couch. "I'm not going. I get treated like an object by everyone there. They don't have any respect and always ask me questions I'm not comfortable telling a bunch of strangers. They always ask me the same questions!" Bucky shouted.

"I'm sorry they always ask you the same questions, but you're getting upset for no reason, Buck, come on-"

"They think I'm your publicist!" He shouted. "You beg me to go, and you abandon me, and I'm standing by the bar, and I'm drinking!" Bucky yelled, "No one would even notice if I didn't go!"

You crossed your arms. "This is what I've done with my life! I became a writer, and I achieved what I wanted; you can certainly do anything you want, too!" You shouted, then took a deep breath when he went quiet. "Look, there are people, and they are publishing my book. And there's a party that they are throwing- and while you've made it very clear that you're not going, I will be going," You nodded, "And that's done."

Bucky stayed silent. "But, what is this really about?" You raised your eyebrow and stood behind him. "I don't even think this is about the party. Can we, please, for a minute, stop fighting? And talk without you contradicting everything I say?" You asked, and he shrugged, still not talking. "Is it just that you're disappointed to be going back to the Avengers?"

"What?" He whispered. It didn't take a genius to see that Bucky hated being on the Avengers. You've dated him for long enough that you already knew, but things had been going downhill in a lot of places in his life. The Avengers brings back the terrible memories of HYDRA and all the innocent people he killed. You and he had been fighting more, more so about the parties and traveling you've been doing. 

"Bucky," You lightly grabbed his hand. "You can quit the team. You can do whatever you want to. You're smart, strong, and creative, and you can do anything!" You told him, a smile on your face.

"How can you think that?" Bucky looked at his feet.

You took a deep breath and sat next to him. "Because I believe in you. And trust me, if I didn't believe in you, we'd never have gotten this far," You told your boyfriend and put your hand on his chin to have him look at you. "And if I didn't believe in you and all of the ten-thousand men you are, then I wouldn't be standing here right now." 

Bucky didn't say anything, but he continued looking at you with a blank face. In the dimly lit room, you couldn't tell if there were tears in his eyes or just a reflection. But with the anger and sadness that filled you, it was even hard to read Bucky, something that was never a challenge before.

You grabbed his hand and rubbed his knuckles as you continued to talk. "You know, just because you have this extra strength and super-serum, it doesn't mean you have to continue with the Avengers. You can help the world in a different way if you want; you can be a hero in many other ways. You can help people deal with post-traumas since you got over yours," You reminded your boyfriend. You two have been dating for four years, and even though things were very tough in the beginning, with Bucky still struggling with coping with the Winter Soldier and HYDRA memories, he got the help he needed. He talked with many therapists, had Bruce look at his brain, Tony made him a new arm, and you and his friends were with him every step of the way. The memories will never completely go away, and they will still be in the back of his mind, but they have lessened. You have seen his progress, and you know that him working with the Avengers is not helping as much as it used to, but he could share his newfound wisdom with others and potentially save lives in that way.

Now you were sure that Bucky was crying. Not a sob, not anywhere close to one, but you watched a tear fall out of his eye and not even make an attempt to wipe it away. You glanced at the time, noticing that if you wanted to make it to the party and not be late, you had to leave soon. But you were going to ensure that Bucky was okay before you left, hoping maybe he could change his mind about staying out of it. 

"I don't know," Bucky shrugged, "Wouldn't I scare people if I tried to do that?"

You shook your head, a small smile appearing on your face. "It's been over four years since your trauma, you've changed, and you've helped save the world multiple times. I don't think anyone would be scared of you."

Bucky looked down at his feet again, a tear hitting the floor. "The team wouldn't let me leave; I don't know why I'm even thinking about this."

Your hand touched his shoulder, trying to encourage him. "You can do anything that you want to. With the team opening up old wounds about HYDRA, it makes sense that you want off the team. Plus, they don't control you; no one does. They have no right to force you to stay on the team, and you can help the world by saving lives, just in a different way." It was beginning to sound repetitive now, but the more you said it, the more it seemed to stick with Bucky that he could do what he wanted. 

"I don't know," He shrugged. "I can't."

"But you can," You reminded him, "No one can give you courage, no one can thicken your skin; you are the only one who can change things. Not me, not Tony, not Steve; you."

Bucky opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a reminder on your phone. Book release!!! it read. "Look, Bucky, are you going to come with me to the party...because we should really get going, then. We can talk about this all you want when we get back-"

Bucky stood up, your hand dropping to your side. "Buck-" He headed towards the door. "Bucky!" You shouted. "Where are you going- what are you- Bucky!" You yelled, realizing that he was not going to be coming with you.

Walking around the corner, he ensured that you would not see him when you drove off. He dialed a number, thinking about everything you had to say and how genuine it sounded. "Steve, I'm quitting the team."

"(Y/N) called me a few minutes ago to warn me about this. I believe in you just as much as they do," He said.

Bucky hung up and groaned. He had his whole, new life ahead of him now.