Body Language. Queen

Do You Fancy Me?

Roger's P.O.V.

I had escaped to the only place that I felt I could really be alone. It was a nostalgic place, one I had not been to for a while and I had missed it.
Although empty of any other people now, it had the risk of making my mental situation worse than it already was. I wanted to be alone but being alone also made room for my head to take control, my mind to tell me what I should be doing, and without anyone here to tell me otherwise, I had no choice but to listen to it.

I was sat at a table that many many conversations had been had at, naughty ones, serious ones, heartbreaking ones...with elbows on the table top and my fingers raking through my hair I couldn't stop my conscience from screaming at me that I had fucked up. Big time.

I never thought I would feel like this. I wanted to be happy for Freddie and Brian and I thought I would be. I wanted to be...but I wasn't. All these years of Fred fancying him and talking to me about him, helping him hatch plans to get Brian...even up until recently, making him go on that first date that he very nearly didn't go on. All of this...and I never for one second thought that any of it would actually work. That they'd end up dating...practically a couple.

Yes, I was jealous. Me and Freddie went so far back, we were best friends before knowing the other two and to have him snatched away from me suddenly, hurt a little. He was all over Brian, I know he must be in heaven as this is what he's dreamed of for countless years but I missed him. Even if we did live in the same house and saw each other everyday, since they'd been dating I've not had a proper conversation with Freddie and I was starting to resent Brian for stealing him from me. Which was stupid because he wasn't really stealing him...Freddie had been trying to talk to me but for some reason I just kept ignoring him, when I didn't want to. Besides, I probably did the same to him when I first got with John...that...and I was jealous of Brian. For being in the position he was, having all of Fred's attention, getting to date him and...kiss him...I guess I'd always had a soft spot for our frontman, I'd always found him attractive but always lusted over John more, those feelings never really surfaced, they didn't have to because Freddie didn't have anyone, there was nobody about to make me feel jealous, nobody there to take his attention away from me...John was always my number one because he had no competition.

Freddie was there at my expense.

But now Brian was his centre of focus, now Brian was holding his hand and doing whatever else...I was envious. I had always been overprotective and selfish with Freddie...and I know why now. I wanted all of his attention. I wanted him to be single so I had him all to myself.

I felt like shit for thinking this way, Deaky was the love of my life and he should be all I ever want. And he is...I just catch myself fantasising over what it could be like to have one evening alone with Freddie. And then I feel like shit again, for ever thinking that way and for casting John off to the side as if he wasn't enough for me. When he was, he was my everything but...I just couldn't help but wonder.

I was stuck in a pile of shit now as I'd dropped myself in it. 'Yes, so what if I am?' What the fuck was that?! Why couldn't I just say no. Protect my dignity rather than admitting to him that I was some kind of spoilt little cry baby who wanted Freddie all to himself, that didn't want him to have a boyfriend because secretly...I liked him. And I felt disgusting admitting that to myself. Felt awful for springing that on Freddie just when things were blossoming for him and Brian and now I'd probably made things awkward. Felt guilty for having a crush on somebody else other than my very own boyfriend.
My mind didn't know which way to turn.

I know what I should be doing. Forgetting about Freddie. Being happy for him and Brian and focusing on my relationship with Deaky.
But for some reason, I was finding it hard to think that way.