Body Language. Queen

Self Inflicted Punishment.

Freddie's P.O.V.

3 Months Later.

"Fred? Can you do me a favour?"

"What is it?" I muttered trying to figure out something on the piano.

"Can you go out to my car and get my pack of spare strings?" Brian asked, absorbed in something he was mixing on the desk.

I sighed, I was busy too. "Sure." He threw me his keys and I went out back and into the car park.

Things had been strange since that horrible evening the truth came out.
I was still hurting and broken, I hadn't healed. I don't think I ever would. I was still so confused. My thoughts keeping me awake at night and the feeling of being completely abandoned.
I think what hurt the most, wasn't that Brian lied to me. But basically just made up a lie so that he didn't have to admit to me that his feelings for me weren't mutual.

I still wanted him. Annoyingly. But it was even worse now. Before, when I thought he liked women it was a lot easier, knowing I couldn't have him because he wasn't gay.
But now he admitted it it's a lot harder. To know he does in fact like men. But I still can't have him. It's like somebody dangling the thing I've always wanted in front of my face and then snatching it away from me when I was about to have my grip on it.

It was hard. I'd been distant. Not just from Brian, Roger or John. But from myself too. Always convincing myself I'll never be good enough for anybody. Nobody will ever want me. I'm always going to be alone.

And Charlie. That bastard. I hated him. I'd not spoken to him since it happened which is fucking hard seeing as though now he thinks he can just come over to our house all the time, come to the studio...intrude on everything we do because of Brian.

They are still together. Brian was loved up with him but Charlie was a little arrogant slag. It was disgusting to see them cuddling and kissing all the time. Right in front of me. Nothing like rubbing salt in my wounds.

Roger and John hated him too. They spoke to him but they were still sour. I didn't even look at him. Pretended he was never there. Which riled Brian but I didn't give fuck. He was his problem. Not mine.

I didn't speak to Brian for over a week after, he didn't speak to me either, not after I fucked Charlie. But like Roger said. It wasn't my fault. I didn't know about those two.

Brian forgave Charlie. Which is stupid. He was the one that cheated him. But he didn't forgive me...not for a long time.

We're okay now. Brian thinks I've gotten over it but honestly I just can't be arsed with the battle anymore. I'm loosing my fight. I'm just letting them get on with it. Evilly, I wished everything was going awfully for them. Brian couldn't see it but myself, Roger and John could, the fact that Brian looked at Charlie as if he was the most precious gem in the world but Charlie looked at and spoke to Brian as if he was a pile of shit.

Which just made me angrier. How could Brian be so blind? How could he think that Charlie was in love with him? He deserved better.

I'd finished my song. The one that I had been writing in secret, it had been the only thing keeping me sane after that night. I loved it. But I hated it too. It was a reflection on how I'd been feeling. I'd called it 'Somebody To Love' but hadn't let the boys listen yet. I doubt I ever would. They'd know what it was about.

I grabbed the pack of spare strings from Brian's glove box in his car, a distinct smell of cologne in there that wasn't Brian's. Obviously Charlie's. I grimaced, slamming the car door shut.

I tossed the strings over to him once I was back in and slid his keys over too.
"Thanks." He mumbled, not bothering to look up.

I didn't answer.

Brian also tried to talk to us about his relationship with Charlie. The other two pretended to be interested. I made it quite clear that I didn't give one single shit.

Brian broke my heart, lied to me, let me date his boyfriend without telling me and let me fuck him. And then blamed the whole thing on me. Why should I act interested? That's a part of my dignity I will never get back. I regretted everything and it made me feel ill every time I thought about it.

Roger and John's relationship, on the other hand, was absolutely adorable. I was still raging with jealously but watching them made me smile. Always paying each other compliments and smiling, kissing and holding hands. It was lovely but not too much in your face. Unlike Brian and Charlie who was always having a full on snogging session whenever you went to look at them. Charlie always giving me an evil look whilst he was kissing Brian as if to say 'I've got what you want.'

Brian must have told Charlie everything that happened, told him that I fancied Brian. And now the little bitch hated me too but did nothing but rub it in my face that he had Brian and I didn't.

He might hate me but he never fails to try it on with me whenever Brian isn't looking. Slut. He creeped me out and repulsed me, trying to slime his way to me and touch my ass or whisper repulsing things in my ear. Never have I reacted, still pretending he's not there and walking away. Everybody apart from Brian knew that he wasn't faithful. Not only did he commit adultery with me but I have no doubt that he's done it with many other people. I wouldn't do that to Brian...

We had four weeks left until the album had to be finished and we were all stressed. It was a dangerous time because another deadly argument could erupt at any given second.

"Guys, are we almost done for today? It's almost 10pm!" Roger wailed.

"Yeah I'm going to head off." Brian stood up stretching his arms.

"Are you coming, Fred?"
John asked.

"You three go on ahead, I'm going to stay for a while." I didn't turn around to look at them. I felt bad, I just couldn't get enthusiastic about wanting to be with any of them lately. I loved them all dearly but after what happened I feel as if I deserve to be on my own.

"Okay..." John replied, sounding disheartened.

The three of them left and I was sat by myself. I sighed sadly, I did want to spend time with them, I hated making myself distant from them but I just couldn't help it. I hated being on my own but it was my self inflicted punishment.

I got up and walked over to a cupboard where I kept a secret stash of vodka. The other only thing keeping me sane. I took the bottle and took a swig from it, sitting back down. I had no reason to stay behind at the studio. I had nothing left to do, I just didn't want to go home.
Charlie was probably round our house, Roger and John pretending to be okay with him and Brian not letting him be. Snake. I'd like to kick him in his bollocks.

I slammed the bottle down in rage, every thought of them made me swell with anger. I'd quite clearly not gotten over that night at all, it was just like my wrist, it was healed. But it was still forever scarred.

I'd still not had sex. I didn't want to. The desire had fizzled out and nobody was there to rekindle my flame. I hadn't been out, just locked myself in my room.

I was fine with Roger and John, a little distant but they did make me laugh and smile, they'd been absolute lifesavers, trying their best with me.

I'd downed a quarter of the bottle and it was going right to my head, I'd hardly eaten anything all day. I looked around the studio, this would be the perfect place to smuggle someone in and have a quickie.

I laughed out loud at myself at that thought before deciding to leave aswell.

I locked up and headed down the dark streets, fully intending to go home but...whoops...I ended up at The Mill.

"Mr Mercury, back so soon?" The bouncer at the door winked, I flashed a smile and walked in, "Knobhead..." I muttered under my breath, heading straight to the bar for more vodka.

I sat on one of the stools at the bar, just people watching until I was drunk enough to grab someone and fuck them in the toilets. Who had I been kidding? My libido flame had always been lit...it had just been left dwindling for a while.
I didn't know if I was going to commit to a full shag. But I did want to seduce somebody tonight.

And then there was a tap on my shoulder, I turned around, startled by who it was.

He spoke, "Didn't think I'd see you here."