Body Language. Queen

No Going Back.

Freddie's P.O.V.

The sleep was troubled. It could have been the fault of the incredibly uncomfortable bed. The fact I still had gallons of alcohol sloshing about my gut that really wanted to come back up. Or, it was because of this terrible situation I was in.

Or a mixture of the three.

The bed was like sleeping on a box but every time I moved to get comfortable I nearly threw up. And of course this drama was constantly plaguing my mind.

I drifted in and out of sleep for a good few hours until I sat bolt up right, last nights happenings rising up and wanting to come out.

I rushed into the tiny cabin toilet where I was violently sick, throwing up all, if not more, than what I drank last night, the taste just making me gag further.

That fucking disgusting whiskey.

My stomach continued to lurch even though it was obviously empty now.

Finally, I was able to straighten and stand, shaking all over from the trauma and realise just how horrible I actually felt.

My head throbbed from hurling and also the hangover.

I turned the tap at the tiny sink and gulped down some water, my throat was on fire.

Slightly embarrassed at the prospect that Jim probably just witnessed everything and heard me throwing up, I timidly tiptoed out of the tiny bathroom.

Where I almost had a fucking heart attack. I gasped loudly and clutched my heart, not being able to break my stare.

Jim was nowhere to be seen.

But Brian stood on the aisle of the bus, he was fully dressed and was wearing his trench coat.

I wanted to run but there was nowhere to run to.

All I could do was stare at him.

"You too, huh?" He nodded towards the toilet, speaking nervously.

I nodded a little.

The was a short, silent, extremely awkward silence between us until Brian stepped closer to me.

Say it, Freddie. Tell him. It'll fix everything.

I willed myself to say the words to him...but I just couldn't.

All I could do was pathetically ask him where Jim was in a mousy whisper.

"Gone to see the hotel manager...about our room?" He cringed a little and looked down at the floor, "He's going to see if we can get one each." He was quiet. "He said you didn't want him to let anyone on the bus...is that true?"

I looked at him longingly...how could I do this to him? No wonder he was horrible to me all the time, he had a reason to be. I constantly provoked him.

I nodded, silently.

A tiny flash of a smile transformed his lips and vanished as quickly as it was formed, "Well that's silly. Did you forget we all have a key to the bus?"

I had forgotten about that.

I nodded, silently. Again.

"What's the matter? Don't you want anybody to know?" He asked in almost a whisper as he struggled to make eye contact with me and smile.

I felt my skin crawl at his question and had to gulp hard, every thought about what happened made me shiver. I shook my head, silently.

"I don't think I've ever seen you be so quiet..." he tried to laugh but he couldn't, he carried on, "Look, whatever happened...happened. If we did, if we did have...sex...then there's no going back from that. There's nothing we can do about it." He was struggling to form his words but battled bravely on, "I can't remember anything past Whiplash, it's non existent to me, I can hardly even remember what I said to you this morning, I was still drunk. I don't know if I believe you I just...I just don't know. Why would you lie about such a thing? But, if it turns out you have lied, Freddie...then God help you. But for now...for right now...I'm accepting with gritted teeth that it happened...I'm still furious...but let's agree on something okay?"

He finally glanced at me and I nodded instantly.

"Let's not tell the other two. Let's be adults about this and not hate or avoid each other. But I would like today to be the last that it's spoken about." He stated at me through his words.

His last request stabbed me in the heart a little but it was the least I could do. I did this to him so to comply to his rules was paramount.

I was shell shocked. I had not expected him to act like this at all, he was taking it all in his stride, very maturely. He didn't seem too phased.

Of course, inside he was probably the opposite...but to even bring up that he didn't want us to avoid each other made me feel better all at once.

But all of his words, all of this...wouldn't have had to have been said...if I just fixed it like I so easily could.

I nodded my head again, "Of course." I croaked. My voice completely gone.

He nodded at me, he eyes were very soft. He silently turned away and paused just as he was about to leave the bus, "Are you joining us for lunch?" He asked.

Lunch. We'd obviously missed breakfast.

I nodded at him yet again even though every thought of food made me grimace.

He smiled soothingly and then left the bus.

I had to sit down. That was such a whirlwind. I still couldn't believe how calm he was being, I thought he'd have a hand wrapped around my throat demanding me to tell him everything that happened.

But he didn't...maybe he'd rather not know.

I did feel upset that Jim was trying to sort out separate rooms for us. I really felt special being able to sleep in the same bed as him last night. But it was probably upon Brian's request and honestly, I couldn't blame him for wanting rid of me. 

It would probably be best for both of us.

And to not tell Rog or Deaky? I didn't know if I could keep that part of the promise...I felt like I needed to tell someone, get it off my chest, get advice, sympathy...even a punch in the face. I just needed to talk about it, to gain some clarity.

I swallowed hard, my throat feeling like it had razor blades stuck in it...this was more than just a shouting-all-night-and-throwing-up sore throat. This felt like I was getting ill.

Although I didn't really feel like facing the world and plastering a fake and happy smile and attitude onto my face and personality today, I needed to make things look as normal as possible. For Brian.

So I heaved myself up and got dressed into the mishmash of clothes that I had dragged here with me.