"i used half of my savings and bought a house, kookie." i heard him say, his voice enthusiastic but it had a certain sadness to it. a small smile made it's way to my lips, adjusting the phone to get a better volume of his voice.
"– that's great, hyung." i replied, trying to suppress the sobs and whimpers. but clearly, jimin knows me too well, earning a sigh from the other line.
"i'm halfway there, kookie." he tells me. he didn't even need to tell me what he meant. it was like a thing for lovers— they immediately know what the other meant even when it's hella confusing. and that statement alone triggered my tears.
i cried, and cried, and cried. and he let me. "h-hyung, i miss you so much." i confessed, tears hungrily cascading down my cheeks. "please come back to me, jimin. i don't think i could take one more day without you."
"i-i'm trying, kookie." he croaks, voice breaking, as if he's also drowning in tears. the thought of him crying just made my chest feel even heavier. i've always hated seeing him cry. even just by picturing his tears, i could still feel my heart breaking in half. "i miss you too," he adds, his voice coming to a low whisper. "– so much, kookie."
"then just come back to me, hyung." but the words felt like a hopeless case, shattering my heart dearly, almost as if a hurricane came and left me wrecked and desolated, showering me nothing but mournful thoughts and sadness. "– or better yet, come take me with you."
"i'm trying to keep things stable in here, kookie." he tells me, his voice low as he sniffs for a couple times. "i'm trying to keep myself stable." he adds.
"am i not firm enough to hold you down, hyung?" was my immediate response, gripping on my phone and trying to keep my voice as low as i could in order not to wake my brother up in the middle of the night. "come back to me, please." i pathetically begged.
sometimes i really wonder why i do the things that i do. why no matter the pain, i'd still choose him over and over again, despite him being an asshole. up to now, i still wonder how i could still love him wholeheartedly even when he's the least likely candidate to fall in love with. the fact that despite his bullshits, i still find him endearingly beautiful and utterly perfect— that despite him constantly hurting my heart, i still fall for him deeper and deeper.
but i guess that's just how love goes. i've never really been a veteran when it comes to love, given that i've never been in a relationship for that matter. but i think love does really make people do things they never imagined they could. love makes us forget everything— give up everything for the sake of our love ones. and when we think we already know ourselves, love comes and changes that, transforming you into a whole new person.
after a long time mourning for jimin, i've come to realise that love could really make you do a lot of things. it sometimes makes you blind, numb, and sometimes be completely swayed by their lies.
love is a powerful feeling. it takes great courage and a strong heart to bear it. because love comes with a great price— it demands pain. to love someone wholeheartedly is to willingly throw your heart and break it to pieces, yourself. it aims to punch you right in the gut, slice a blade through your skin, pule your system out and for you to lose your mind.
love is beautiful, but partly, it is cruel and evil.
and i'm just too on love to blame jimin for this pain— to blinded by my love to look beyond and notice that he had been walking all over me ever since. or maybe i do notice, and i'm just too in love to give a damn.
and talking to him on the phone just made me realise all of that. and i'm crying because despite the shits he brought me, i still love him deeply and passionately. because love may be cruel and evil, but it's also beautiful.
and i hate myself for holding on to that.
"i will, kookie." i hear him say.
"promise?" i sobbed. i want him, and nobody but him. because even if he's a walking disaster, he's still my happiness, my source of light, and my ball of sunshine— my park jimin.
"promise." he whispered.
"i love you, jimin."
"i love you too, kookie."
