"What do you mean just fooling myself?" I asked im disbelief as Yoongi only shrugged in response. "I've love that asshole ever since I saw him smile— he just doesn't know yet." I sighed.
"Jungkook, you're still young, there's still lots of things to discover along the way of growing up." Yoongi said, smoke escaping his lips the same time. "The future in never sure of. You might fall out of love, nobody knows."
"But I love him now, isn't that enough for him?" I frowned, snatching the vape and heaved a heavy breath.
"Maybe Jimin doesn't want a moment or be just a chapter. Maybe he wanted to be the whole book, y'know? Like he wants something not only today, but something to last forever." He explained casually. "I'm guessing he's been left behind too much that he have grown sick of it—"
"So he just chose to leave me because he's sick of being the one left behind?" I interrupted. "That's just bullshit!"
"...or maybe he just wants to find his own self." Yoongi added, ignoring my cursing. "Maybe he wants to know who he really is to be able to find it in him to love himself, so he could fully love you?" he smoked.
"How did you get all these theories?" I raised a brow. "Do you know something about his disappearance?" I eyed him skeptically, earning a smack in the head.
"Idiot." He rolled his eyes. "I'm a psychologist and I've once studied philosophy. Did you really think I'd have anything to do with Park Jimin? I barely know him. Besides, if I did, I would of have told you already so I wouldn't be here, pretending to have a vacation when in fact seokjin have pretty much planned everything to find your boyfriend." He scowled, muttering about how he could've had a sweet and deep slumber instead of being here.
My forehead creased. "So this isn't really a vacation?"
"That's what I heard." He muttered.
"I told him quite clearly how I don't want to find Jimin!" I yelled, my fists balling on my sides as my gaze turned into a glare. Just what the actual fuck? He told me to come because I needed to relax my head and forget about Jimin even just for a little while, here I thought I'd finally be able to, but guess I was fucking wrong.
"Stop lying to yourself kid," Yoongi stated, eyes not meeting mine as he gazed back at the stars.
"Huh?" I raised a brow.
"Stop lying that you don't want to find Park Jimin because it's so fucking obvious that you do." He said, shutting me up. "You just force yourself not to because you're afraid what his words might be once you finally find him. You're afraid that he won't come back even if you begged. You're afraid he might reject you— that's why you never confessed your feelings in the first place. You're afraid, Jeon. In other words, you're a coward."
"I'm not a fucking coward!" I glared at him.
"Then what's stopping you?" He glanced at me, once again leaving me speechless as I stared blankly at him. "You said you love him and want him back. You miss him, so what's stopping you?"
Yoongi placed the device on my hand, thanked me before bidding his goodnight and went back inside, the door slamming shut, leaving the place once again alone and silent. I stood outside, my still rested against the concrete wall, but my mind wandered to Yoongi's words, I can't deny the fact the he has a point there, but somehow he was wrong.
I'm not a coward.
I'm just waiting and in pain. I was devastated when they told me that Jimin was nowhere to be found. I was broken to the core that it took me eight months to get my ass off my room, and still the pain in my chest never wavered nor lessened.
Jimin was the one who brought life to my world. He gave me color and even made me into a wonderful melody. His smile had always been my carrier, it never failed to make me smile as well. When I'm down, he was the one who put me on his back and motivated me to last the day in this cruel world.
he was my everything, and he still is.
So when he left, he took everything with him— not only his things but my heart as well. When he left, he took away my light. There was no more of those breathtaking smile of his that could energize me anytime in anyday. The happy world that he had helped me build was now slowly crumbling down into bits of pieces and the day it'll completely crumble to the ground is what feared me the most, because not only it'll bring me pain but it'll also lead me into a grave devastation where I'll have no choice but to give up just to stop the pain— to forget everything, forever.
I was a broken building back then, and Jimin was my engineer and my construction worker, he built me up and fixed my broken smile. And without him, I don't think this happy wonderland he have created could fully function, he is my source of energy after all. He had always been my source of happiness; in everything. Everday felt like years, every second felt like a minute as minutes turned into hours while hours turned into days. But no matter how suffocating loving park jimin is, I could never seem to hate him. It's like no matter what I do, it'll always be him— like a name carved in my heart that could never seemed to be erased no matter how hard I try.
Everyday I long for him to come back and bring light to the now abandoned wonderland inside me, to fuel up my system and once again bring me the happiness that now has vanished from me. Because before park jimin, I was a lost cause. He was the only one who made keep my sanity together, he was the only one preventing me from losing myself. Before that starstruck eye smile of his, everything was blue, and slowly he made it colorful. Bit by bit he fixed me, and bit by bit, he captured my heart.
It was until he left and broke my heart.
It's just so fucked up that he was the one who fixed me only to break me afterwards. He knows for a fact how much it's going to cause me, but he left anyway. But it's even more fucked up how I'm still here, waiting and hoping that someday he'd come back, that someday I'd still get to see his beautiful smile, gracefully directed to nobody but me. That I'd be able to hold him in my arms once again, to run my hand on his perfect soft orange locks. That someday I'd be able to once again hear his angelic voice ringing through my ears like a wonderful piece of melody— but I guess it'll only be in my dreams now, eh?
Yoongi was right about everything, except for one thing,
I'm not a coward, I'm just simply broken.
