Freak tried Art (4)

I'm feeling bitchy

I don't fucking care how many people have it worse than me right now. Not at all. I just wanna bitch a little bit cause sadness + forced smiles + hurtful words = anger, apparently.

And I'm only doing this in a chapter because I don't wanna use Angel to let my frustration out.

Just for those who don't care:

(Horrible colour choice had a date with horrible lineart. What a cute couple)

OKay, back to business.

Recap for those who don't know:
this friday is the death anniversary of one one of the most important people in my life. Got it? Good. On with why I'm upset and angered.

So my mom arranged a job interview for me ON THAT EXACT DAY.

Not only is this really REALLY short-term, she doesn't even realise how much it hurts me.

Like, I had planned that day out. I wanted to visit their grave, and then cry the rest of the day in my bed and lock myself in my room because even two years later I still haven't progressed and accepted their death (I just can't and I don't care how weak this is of me).

So I'm like "WHAT?! Do you even know what's on that day?!"

And she be like, "Yeah, grandma's birthday" (Yep they died on my grandma's birthday)

And me, "AND WHAT ELSE?!"

And she, "Uh.. friday?"

And I literally broke on the inside. Like, no. YOU KNEW THEM! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM! HOW COULD YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET THEIR DEATH ANNIVERSARY?!?! NO!

So I'm like "*insert person's name*'s death anniversary!!!"

And she be like "Oh, don't act like you care about them. I mean, I for example visit their grave every second weekend!"

And I fall silent. Because she's right. I don't visit their grave often. Because I can't stand seeing it. it makes me cry. I remember how they lowered the coffin into it. And I remember how the coffin was displayed in the church next to the graveyard. And I remeber every single detail. And I especially remember their peaceful face. And I just can't stand it.
I pray for them every day. Even though I don't believe in god, when we go to some town, I'm the first one in the church and begging my parents for money so I can buy a candle for them (I dunno if that's only tradition in germany but here are a few examples of candles I bought in churches (these ones I bought twice because they have the name of the church on it so I bought one for them, and one for memories):

The one in the middle is from italia, the rest is from germany. Not many churches make candles that aren't just like this:

So yeah)

I was hurt. I still can't understand how she could have said that. It hurts.

It makes me angry at her to know she thinks that I don't care about this person. But I couldn't tell her. I'm not like that. I don't normally say if something upsets me directly to someone. I make sure that they won't find out that they hurt me. I don't want to show weakness to them. I can't show weakness.

So, I literally just grabbed my jacket, stormed out of the house and walked to the small forest near our house. What a wonderful timing the wather had, because just hten, it started to fucking rain and so I was just walking around in the rain while listening to some songs that may or may not have or haven't included suicidal thoughts and lines. Because, I don't know why but it makes me much calmer. Althought that didn't help much because it's been like 4 hours since I talked to her and about 2-3 hours since I've come back home and I'm still angry as fuck, thus the reason I'm writing this.

I just can express my anger much better that way.

So... yeah. Very emotional me (even more emotional than normally) who'll probably bitch or cry about every little thing in their life for the next week or so.

Because... it's easier that way. You can just ignore me for a week or so and come back when I kinda calmed down if you want. I wouldn't blame you.