Pain: Her (Harry Styles Fan Fiction)

Chapter 73

*Picture of the letter is on my twitter :) @1DFantasyFic*

Harry's POV: Before

I don't feel human anymore. I feel broken like the vase shattered beneath me. I feel empty and hallow; so fucking empty it's suffocating. What have I done? She was my everything. She's my reason for living, she's the only one I breath for, and now she's gone. She slipped through my fingers like the wind through the air and there's nothing left in me. How could I have let her just leave? She left me--she abandoned me and left me to rot in this fucking pathetic world alone and I'm aimless.

She hates me. The way she looked at me; Jesus Christ the way she cried in front of me literally destructing before my eyes makes me hate myself even more. She has never done anything wrong to me and I hurt her. Every promise I've ever made to her has fucking crumbled into nothing! I've never begged so hard in my life, I've never felt so scared before. But she actually left, she fucking walked out and I stood here not even attempting to get her to stay. She cried so hard and looked at me like a monster; she looked at me the way she looks at Liam and I honestly believe I've lost her forever.

Just as the door shuts, the bubble I've been floating in with complete happiness with her bursts. I want to run after her but I feel nailed to the ground. I have no words left in me because she left without even turning around. This fucking house is killing me! I hate everything in here, I hate this stupid fucking table, and all these picture frames full of shit memories that mean absolutely nothing to me because she isn't in any of them. These broken pieces of glass and wood surrounding me mark my hatred, my self hatred and the devil that has been hiding away since I met Alee has returned and is now holding my hand with a grin dragging me down to hell with him because that's where the fuck I'd rather be.

She doesn't even love me anymore. I pushed her away because of my own fears. I didn't want to lose her, I didn't want to risk anything because I know how sensitive she is to things like that. Those girls meant nothing to me. They were just a bunch of sluts who were willing to fuck whenever they weren't sleeping and because I was so naive and immature I acted the same way. I never raped her. I did stupid shit and got my self into a lot of trouble, but never have I forced myself on anyone. She was struggling as I was kissing her, not fucking her. If she told me to stop, which she didn't, I would've stopped. I'm not that psychotic.

And what makes it worse is she's now afraid of me. She thinks I'm this disgusting guy who wants nothing but sex, and she even thinks I would force myself on her. We've had sex plenty of times, and they were never forced. I love her too much to even pinch her and cause her just a second of pain. I broke her heart and this time she actually left me.

The coffee table is destroyed along with glass frames and vases. My mums favorite picture frame is now shattered into a million pieces but all I see is red. My adrenaline is at it's max and I could break this whole goddamn house down. I'm covered in my own blood; my hand is drenched and it's pooling below me. As I stand and take in my beastly act, my guilt sets in. My mum worked so hard on making everything perfect and she's going to come home and see what I've done; adding to my list of people that I've hurt, she's going to be torn.

She'll come back. She's coming back, she always does. Maybe she's waiting outside for me to run to her. Is she? I bolt to the door hoping she's standing right in front of it but I'm only greeted with an empty space and the sound of the wind.

I cleaned the mess I made and threw the table away. I wrapped a gauze around my other wrist before gelling it down to ease the sore. I'll a buy a new table later I just hope she doesn't get too upset with me. I feel so weak and lifeless. I need her back.

Promising myself not to cry, drenched in pain and regret I walk up to my room. I shut the door and see her sweater on the floor and I've never held something so tightly before in my life. It smells just like her and I feel stupid for smelling it and rubbing it against my wet cheek but I fucking love her. She needs to come back to me, she can't leave me; I need her. I need her in my arms, I need her smile in my life, her voice, her eyes, her addicting laugh; I can't let it go.