Cut to the beat

Kicking

It was the end of May. They were wrapping the season finale and Ellen was sweating. The big Hollywood lights always kept her sweating but this? This was a lot of sweat. She wiped her brow between takes. She was wearing a lavender bridesmaid gown, which artfully hid her growing belly. Makeup swarmed her before the cameras started again, spraying hairspray on her curls, and powder on her shiny pink cheeks. She was just nervous. And ready to stop filming.

"You good Ells?" Shonda asked as she surveyed the set before rolling. Ellen nodded, pulling the straps of the dress higher up. She felt sweaty, and her boobs were everywhere. Breast size was a new game for her to play, and she didn't quite get it. They were sore now, all the time, and spilled out of every low cut shirt.

"Yeah let's roll," she replied, watching as they got Katie back into her wheelchair for Izzie.
The scene starts, with Izzie telling Meredith that Alex needs a best man. Ellen smiles only to grimace a second later. There's a flutter in her stomach. A feeling she doesn't like, reminds her of a bad past. It came again. She placed a hand on her abdomen.

"Cut!"

"Why don't we just put Meredith in the hospital now," Katie rolled her eyes, referring to the discussion about how Ellen would be giving birth around the time filming started up again. This was one of her last scenes, ever. She was leaving with an attitude, and it was sad for everyone around her.

"I'm pregnant not disabled Katherine." Ellen hissed in reply, feeling that flutter again. She didn't understand what it was. Her mind told her it was the same twinge of pain she felt when she miscarried but her body made her stand still. This is not a miscarriage. Don't even think. You can't let yourself loose it. Anxiety makes it worse.

"Ells...come here." Shonda waved her over to her seat. "Sit." Ellen gently sat in the folding chair next to Shonda. Shonda smiled,

"Is he kicking?" She asked, peering over at Ellen's distressed look. Kicking? Oh shit.
She was right. They had told Shonda and the cast the gender before the media.

"K-kicking?" Ellen stuttered, her hand shifting. It all made sense now. She wanted to sob. She felt like an idiot. Her baby was kicking and she thought it was the worst feeling ever. Ellen looked into Shonda's eyes, as if asking how did she know.

"I have plenty of pregnant sisters. I know. Let's get you back out there. And you know, talking helps. Soothes the baby. Now come on before we get angry here." Shonda helped her up, hugging her. Once getting over the anger and disbelief of Patrick and Ellen, Shonda had really been in their corner. She loved helping them and being sure everything was how she wanted. Ellen smiled, walking back into set. It came again, this time she giggled. He was kicking!
----

"Patrick?" Ellen opened his trailer door, walking up the steps. They barely had time to talk on set, and she was really excited for him to feel the kicks.

"Ellie. Hey," Patrick came out of the shower, towel around his waist as he went to kiss Ellen softly. She returned it, smiling. His blue eyes met her green ones. She had something to say. He could tell. Ellen hugged him, then took his hand, placing it on her swollen belly. "What's...oh,"

Patrick lit up. He had not been present when Tal or the twins started kicking. Jill mentioned it in passing once or twice. He never felt the kicks, she never liked to be touched.

"Our son is kicking." Ellen said, grinning. Patrick laughed, hugging her tightly.

"Our son." The two got absolutely giddy as they felt the movements. Together they walked to the couch, sitting side by side.

"We should discuss names El," Patrick said suddenly as he stroked her arm. Ellen turned, pushing back her long blonde hair.

"Oh...names..." She wasn't thrilled. Awkwardness settled between them. There was something she wasn't saying.

"We can't keep calling him..him." Patrick replied. He shifted, his hand going from her arm to her cheeks. "What aren't you saying Ellen?"

She bit her lip, twisting her hands. "I...they say not naming a baby put up for adoption makes it easier." Ellen said quietly. As if she were quiet enough maybe the baby wouldn't hear her. Patrick dropped his hand. He knew she was avoiding because she knew he would be upset, so he tried not to make a big deal.

"Ellen. We are going to be able to visit our son. We need to know..,we get to name him. I won't allow...no. He is our baby. No matter what." Patrick stood his ground on the subject. And Ellen pouted, crawling into his lap. She laid against him, her head on his chest as she fought the urge to just cry. Why on earth had she agreed to this mess of a life, and what made it happen? What universally fucked up thing had she committed to make karma throw this life at her?

"I didn't want to make you angry. I don't want to let go of him. So this is supposed to be better...Sorry." Ellen mumbled, avoiding his eyes. Patrick sighed, stroking her hair.

"I know...I know..." He said, kissing her cheek. "We have a date with Frankie next week, and she said we could suggest names. How about we think of that, a baby girl," Patrick spoke gently as he tried to soothe Ellen. She pulled herself together before replying.

"Stella Luna. I've always loved Stella Luna, and it's so pretty, and Italian, and yeah." Ellen said, still twisting her hands. Patrick pulled her into a warm hug, smiling. Stella Luna....that sounded beautiful.

"I love it. Your little star. That's gorgeous..." He replied, stroking her back. "I...kind of like Alexander for our son," Ellen leaned her head on his shoulder, nodding.

"Hmm then we call him Alex and if we're on greys...I don't want to. Sorry Paddy." She gently moved her hand to play with the curls on the back of his neck. "I like Flynn...or James, go by Jamie, or Emmet do you like Emmet?" She could feel Patrick's chest as he laughed.

"Slow down. We don't need to decide today. I like all of those...you know what-" Patrick got off the couch, and cut a post it into little strips. He scribbled the names on them and slid them into a cup.

"We can pull these out closer to the birth. Just add one every time we think of one."

"Okay. Oh wow!" Ellen giggled then felt a sharp kick from the baby. "Damn." She placed a hand on her abdomen, smiling. It then occurred to her, something that didn't really ever get thought about. She wanted everyone to feel that beautiful kick, that meant life was inside of her...that filled a hole inside of her. She would let her dad and her sisters feel...but she could never have her mother feel. Her mother wouldn't throw a baby shower. She would never know her grandson or granddaughter.

"Ellie?" Patrick asked as he saw her stare off into nothing. He took a seat back on the couch, gently rubbing her back. They didn't exchange words the rest of the day. Ellen stayed in her zoned out state. This was huge. It had never occurred to her. Ellen hoped if one thing happened she would pass on her mother's eyes to her son. Kathleen's green eyes were still alive. They always would be.