My love for you is illegal ( boyxboy)

Chapter 13

DANS POV

Phil hasn't been here for a week and more and i feel resoponsible for it, which i don't understand because it's not like i control him or even know him that well, although when we talk it feels like i've known him for ages. It sounds stupid and cliche but we clicked instantly, he's easy to talk too even though sometimes he can't get his point across to well because he stutters. But when words do flow out his mouth it's a beautiful sound. I tried to hear any gossip from my classes, which trust me, they have a lot of, especially as it's drama and they are the loudest, most popular people in school (although that makes them pretty damn good at the subject) but it seems nobody knows what's happened to him. It's like he's invisible to the human eye, nobody notices him till somebody's foot is kicking him hard in the guts. Although i hear the occasional "he's killed himself" or "have you seent that freak Phil around?" Which i tend to ignore because i don't want to think about some cruel things. But I'm not going to lie, it's a possibility.

Even on the online register it says sick but i don't know how long a student can be sick for and i've asked them about him, well i said that because he's doing his A levels and it's important but really i just wanted to know about his wellbeing. But they said his parents just ring in everyday and say he's ill so i didn't really get anywhere with that. Jade's also noticed that i've been more tense over the past couple days and I've even rejected sex, which we had a fight about for a day and i slept on the sofa but the next day i apologised and it all got better, although she's still a bit angry. I've been so protective over Kyle recently aswell, when he say's he's going out i ask him every question that i can and he gets so frustrated and we end up shouting but maybe it's because i miss looking after phil and being his protective shield, the cheesiness of this makes me want to vomit but it's only the truth. When I came to this school I never thought I would be so emotionally attached to somebody, especially not a student.

It's Wednesday and it's the day when I have Phils class, but as usual he didn't turn up and it made my mood go down from a scale of 10 to -1. The class asked why I was so in the dumps and I just replied with family problems, even though I'm completely fine with them and I couldn't love them more but the real reason is a secret between you and me. I carried on with the lesson and put on a fake smile, after all I am a drama teacher for a reason. I think the class saw through it though, they are quite smart people.

After class, I sit down in my chair and go on my laptop to plan the next lesson and check my social networking sites. Facebook is a usual pile of shit with everyone complaining about the cold weather and how they ran out of food but are to lazy to get some. I'm concentrating on reading a status about equality which my friend who's at university put up but a small, weak hi makes my head turn. Maybe it's Phil! Unfortunately I see Zoe standing in front of me and smiling, holding her pile of revision books tightly and a brown and cream shoulder bag by her side.

"I was wondering if you could help me write this? Or just give me some advice?" She says sweetly, her eyes looking strait into mine, and it feels wrong because she's making eye contact that is far to long and I need to end it so I tell her to bring a chair over and sit down next to me. She lifts the chair and places it right next to mine, barely a centimetre apart and her shoulders touching mine and I don't like the close proximity because it feels far to intimate. God when did sitting too close to girls freak me out? She takes out a pen and hands it to me, her fingers lightly touching mine and not pulling away quickly enough, so I cough and look down at the paper, I wish I could be a smooth criminal. She's staring right at me, my lips and how my eyes scan over the paper, it's intimidating me and I feel her eyes burning into me but not in a evil way, more like a stalker following you home because they're obsessed with your presence.

"So what do you think, is it good? Could you help me with anything?" She purred into my ear and I gulped rather loudly, god this was so wrong and it makes me horribly nervous but I'm so awkward that I can't do anything about it or say anything to her because I'm scared it might offend her and she'll tell the police and I'll get fired. She's twirling her strand of hair in between her fingers in hope of impressing me but it just looks silly and she's trying to hard, not that I would be with her anyway, students and teachers going out is a big no no. My eyes skim the page, barely reading the words because my mind is going crazy so I just pretend like I'm understanding what she's wrote and nodding occasionally to show that I seem to be following her words. Once I turn over the page, her index finger makes it's way slowly up my arm, and stops at my neck, fuck it I'm done.

"I-I think it's great and you don't need to improve it but j-just check some spellings" I stutter and stand up out my chair which made a scrapping noise as it went back because of my quick movements. Zoe nodded and walked up to me, her face a few centimetres away from mine, her breath and perfume clouding my personal space, god she overdid on the perfume. My breathings heavy as she leans forward, her eyes slowly closing and lips puckering up and i push her away quickly and quite roughly which wasn't intended but she was doing something against the law and I would get the blame. God why do students want to date teacher when there is so much hotter lads their age.

"Bye Zoe" I shout and quickly push her towards the door despite her noises of discomfort but once she's out the room I sink to the floor in front of the big black door, keeping it shut with my body weight so nobody could come in. I can't fucking believe what just happened!
For one, she has a boyfriend.
For two, I have a loving wife and family.
For three, it's illegal.
And for bloody four, it's going to be so awkward from now on and I hope she doesn't come onto me again, although I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested. But how come it felt so wrong when with phil it felt so comfortable? I mean i would never date phil and I don't think I have romantic feelings towards him? Sure I think he's the cutest human alive and I love having him in my arms and talking to him but it's only friendly, right?

I leave the classroom, picking up my laptop and neatly placing my things in my satchel before starting to head home for the end of the day. Thank god I get to leave now because I wouldn't want to endure another class of lovestruck girls who dribble at the sight of my butt, I can't help that my trousers show off my pants but belts just don't seem to work for me.


PHILS POV

I wake up to notice my parents, well mum and Gary standing over my bed, although they don't look sad (mum does but Gary looks rather angry, like always I guess.) What could i possibly do in my sleep? I peek my eye open slightly so it doesn't look like I'm awake but enough to see their faces and spy on them, I don't feel like talking to them. Crap I need to scratch my nose, I'm never going to get away with that so I leave it but it's so tempting and itchy and oh god I give in and mum gasps from the sudden movement. I groan and rub my eyes to appear as if I just woke up and Gary's eyes are already pure evil staring into my soul. I'm looking forward to what he has to say, I wish I was deaf just to not hear anybody's harsh words.

"Listen here you shit, you ain't going to no fucking therapy you emo, get over your problems and deal with shit, be a fucking man. We can't have the risk of you telling them what I do and I go to jail" Gary spits and leans back into his chair, biting his lip to the point of bleeding. I don't know how I feel about this, I mean in a way it would help me deal with things but I love cutting. That's right, it makes me feel at home and safe, I want to be able to commit suicide easily again and starve myself till I start to feel wheezy. I won't be confined in a room with a person I don't even know and have to talk to them about my problems, I would much rather deal with it myself by piercing my scarred skin with a blade.

I'm not messed up, I'm just coping in my own way.

"That's fine Gary" I say and smile at him for the first time in years which makes him confused and grunt before walking out the room along with my mum who blew me a kiss, she's probably gonna be slapped for that. For once in his life, he did something I wanted without it being intentional, but it doesn't make me despise his ugly mug any less. I notice a little leaflet from mum laying on the floor near my bed, she must have dropped it when walking out because she didn't have the chance to place it without Gary noticing. She might as well be a spy if she can get all these secret notes to me without Gary noticing. I pick it up and the hand writing is not one I recognise, it's more elegant then a teenagers like Pj and written with a fine ink pen.

"Get better soon <3 Can't wait to see you in drama again.
Mr Howell"

What the hell? My hearts beating irregularly and I wonder if this is some sick joke, but nobody knows about him so how would they have delivered it, and why would mum agree to it? It looks like his handwriting from what I have previously seen on the whiteboard but I don't understand. Why would he do this? How does he know I'm in hospital? Who told him, has word gotten around the school because if so I'm dead plus one hundred. I'm kind of sweating and my stomach feels warm and fuzzy and like I'm on top of the world, which is weird considering I want to end my life. I mean there's nothing indicating he secretly loves me or anything but it's basically as good as that because he made the time and effort to write this.

No it must be lies. I can't believe he would have it in his heart to do this, nobody would for me. The fat, ugly faggot and the list continues forever, just ask anyone. But never the less I hold it tightly in my hand and near my rapid heart beat, because if there's a chance of it being real, maybe somebody does care. The words 'can't wait' made my smile widen and I traced over them with my finger, somehow it made it feel like I was touching him in some way, like I was closer to him. He's an angel that got trapped on earth. Maybe it's a sign that good things so happen in this world we live in. Maybe I don't need to die to be with angels and people which do good instead of evil. But then again life isn't as precious as people say it is. What's the point in living when your constantly down and hating on yourself. What's the point in living when you can barely get out of bed in the morning. What's the point in living when nobody loves you?

"Whats that?" Asked a curious voice, taking me out my day dream and making my heart jump out its body. It's probably because it felt like I was doing something wrong, because I don't deserve such a nice letter from Mr howell or to even have a crush on him. You know when your doing something wrong and your parents or teacher catches you and it freaks the shit out of you, that's what it felt like when Alex interrupted me. If I'm honest he scares me a lot, his freak out yesterday made me feel worthless because I knew I caused it, why would I tell a person who thinks he's fat that's he's thin, it's not going to help him. I deserve to die.

"Just a later from somebody" I smile back and him and he gives a silly and off tune laugh which sounds like the dog from Mickey Mouse, goofy I think his name is but I wouldn't remember. Something about Mr howell makes me smile every time I think of him, maybe it's those gorgeous sparkly eyes or that beautiful wide smile and occasional sexy side smirk. God I'm addicted to him, he must be toxic. But toxic relationships are never healthy because what if we did date and I loved him more than he loves me and when he left me I couldn't live with it. It's toxic but it feels good and I'm not going to stop my heart from feeling what it wants because you can't choose love. Even if i wish I could.

"Ohh who's it from?" Alex asks intrigued, his little ohh sounding adorable and happy, he has strange mood swings. I guess the stupid grin on my face gave the clue away that it was a special someone, me and my stupid uncontrollable emotions and Mr howell and his goddamn attractive face. I hide the letter in my palm because I don't want anybody to touch it apart from me, I know it sounds a bit crazy but I don't want anybody else touching him, I feel a bit possessive even though I know I'll never get him.

"This really nice teacher, and he looks kind of like this, although he's so much more beautiful in real life" I blush and take out my art pad from the bottom of my rucksack, flipping to the page of the quick and scribbled drawing I did of Mr Howells face yesterday, it wasn't my best work but Alex had a place in my heart. I mean, I never even intentionally drew Mr howell but his face is stuck in my memory and I can't remove it. It's like when you get chewing gum stuck to your hair, you can't get it out without cutting that piece of hair out, for me it's like unless I remove myself from this earth then he will forever be in my mind. I never, ever showed anybody my art because I knew they would judge me for the dark and gloomy picture of wrists with blood oozing down them or eyes with black tears, all elements of my dull imagination. Not even PJ had seen them but he gets it, he's a good friend and he knows my art books are my most prized possession. But I feel like I owe Alex something and a piece of my fragile mind is one.

"He's beautiful, your drawings beautiful, your very lucky" Alex grins and traces his finger across the 3 dimensional features I drew, from his cute button nose to those perfectly placed brown locks. Although I do not know why he would call me blessed or lucky because it is not like I own him or are even friends with him no matter how many shooting stars I wish upon. I guess he got the wrong impression from the note and my drawing with him, from that it seems like we are both in a friendship/relationship but it's more of a one sided thing, and that one side is me.

"Thanks but we aren't dating or anything, he's just my drama A level teacher" I tell him and he raises a eyebrow, as if to say really he would go through the effort of getting a letter to hospital if he didn't care in some way. Which was nice to think about but it's only because he pity's me, wants me to approve of him and learn in his lessons so he doesn't have to deal with parents that will probably hate him if their son doesn't get a good grade. Gosh I think to much. Alex's nurse calls him for something and we exchange goodbyes and he scatters over to his bed and hops on it, waiting for the needle to be delicately pushed into his skin. I hated needles because they hurt and they go deep into your skin and take your DNA and I dunno they mess me up, sorry I'm babbling.

Wolf howell, is what Mr howell should name his kid, it would be hilarious but kids would probably make fun of him at school. If he married me and took my name then I would convince him to call the kid, Chester or Sylvester Lester because it rhymes. Although why am I thinking of marrying Mr Howell because I shouldn't get my hopes up for anything so I'm never disappointed. Anyway why would we take my name? He's the elder and more dominant one, or maybe both? Phil Howell Lester has a nice ring to it... Stop Phil.

PJS POV

"He's in hospital Chris and I can't visit him or talk to him and I'm so lonely, I just want my friend back" I weeped into Chris's shoulder who has had to deal with me being a emotional wreck for the past week because of what happened to Phil. I haven't even told him the exact details because i know Phil wouldn't want word to spread around the school, not that I don't trust Chris but he's got a big, loud gob he can't control sometimes. But at the same time that's one of his best features because he has such a amazing sense of humour. Why must everything be so hard, I don't like keeping secrets because he's my best friend and deserves to know but then again I've been keeping the fact that I love him for years.

Chris just pats my back whilst I sit by his side with my arms wrapped around his waist in a special spot nobody knows about in school apart from me, Chris and phil, just the two of us or else somebody would probably stab us and call us homo's, the worlds a cruel place. I think he's a bit fed up of this but he has to put up with it because that's what good friends do, plus it does mean cuddles for me. Not that it helps the whole Phil situation at all because for all I know he could be dead or dying. I gave him a note and I hope he appreciated it, I just want him to be okay because I love him in a platonic way. He's like the brother I never had.

"Uh I'm really lost, could you help me?" A voice says as they appear in front of me and Chris and we immediately separate and I cough awkwardly as if to say you didn't see anything and nothing just happened. Although it didn't so now they probably think we are going out,not that I mind or anything but I'm not sure Chris would be too delighted. Chris is cowering in the corner with his arms covering his head prepared for a beat up or punch because that's what you get for acting all homo and crap. Chris has never been bullied to badly because his loud and sarcastic sense of humour gets him through school. Where as I just hide away from everyone with Chris so they don't get to me, of course there's the name throwing because I'm friends with the fag but I have a group that I hang out with unlike Phil who is all alone.

I look up and notice a younger male, brown hair, and looks in his 20's but he has a teenager approach to fashion, with a black top which has a skull on it and some skinny black jeans, finished off with a sleek black jacket to make him look less like a chav and more I have money and I'm a teacher. I recognise him from somewhere and then I remember Phil talking about a new drama teacher coming in, and when I went to his door to do media, when we were shooting a quick scene I noticed him in the corner on his apple laptop, I wish I could afford them. They have IMovie and I love that so much and I only get to use it in media but I wish I had one for my spare time movie editing.

"Hello, what would you like sir?" I ask politely and stand up, dusting my jeans off from the floor and standing closer to Chris, it's like he's a magnet that's pulling me towards him, craving his touch. The man looks rather confused and I wonder how he ended up at this part of the school which took many turn and going through some strange dusty doors but I guess he is new.

"Um, I'm looking for the prop room but I highly doubt it's here, so this is a bit awkward" He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, his other hand awkwardly at his side as he pats his jeans and sucks In a awkward deep breath of air, he acts like a teenager for sure. I laugh and Chris gets up and pretends to text somebody on his phone but really he's probably sending me worrying messages or playing that new game he's addicted too, candy crush I think but I only own a stupid phone that mum brought in super market. We aren't very rich and Chris said for my birthday he will get me a iPhone but I said it will be too much, in the end he will probably coax me into it.

"No it isn't here, but if you make your way back and see a green door, go in there and you have to turn on a light because it's quite old and dusty and nobody uses it that much" I smile and give him some directions which he was a bit stupid not to get in the first place, considering the green door has a humongous silver sign saying 'PROPS' on it but I didn't want to disrespect a teacher nether less. He seems like a cool teacher no wonder all the girls are talking about him, he's just not my type though. My type is more the boy standing quietly next to me.

"Also did you say something about Phil lester?" He asks and I wonder how he knows him for a second but then I remember he teaches him and he probably is worried about where the fuck his student has been for the last week. I hate missing media A levels because you get so behind and i can't even imagine how much work Phil has to catch up on. I nods to his question and the male teacher takes out a sheet from his folder and rips a corner off, before taking out a ink pen and writing something on it with his elegant handwriting.

"If you can, could you give this to Phil" the teacher asked and handed the note over to Me and I replied with a small yes and the guy smiled and quick to walked in the direction of the prop room. He seemed nice, unlike all the other grumpy hags that work here, with skirts up to their ankles and wrinkly skin. Curiosity gets the better of me and I read the letter which isn't anything to special, just says something about getting better and he hopes he can attend lesson soon, it's a sweet gesture but I don't know how I'm going to get it to Phil. Because I can't take it to hospital as I'm not aloud as I'm not an 'adult' and have no relations to him, stupid laws. I might have to ask his mum, I'm sure she will, she seems like a lovely enough lady to do that, after all I've known her all my life and she's cupcakes and rainbows but recently she's always walking around with a frown.

~after school~

I hug Chris goodbye as he's going round Deans today's, I'm a bit jealous because Dean is pretty attractive but I'm sure he's not into guys, after all he's dating that Beth girl or something, I'm not that close with him. I hold onto Chris for a bit to long than acceptable and sniff his scent quietly so I don't seem creepy, but that's the moments that I cherish. I let go and he waves goodbye with a wide smile on his face and I grin back before Deans got his attention and he's looking the other way.

I walk down the usual road that I go to get home, luckily Phil is along the way so I don't have to spend to much time walking in the frosty air, which nips my nose and fingertips and makes them turn a bright red, which makes me look like Rudolph the red nose rain deer. I tighten the navy and white scarf around my neck and zip up my coat to my neck, isn't the worse thing when wind blows onto your neck? I see Phil's house in the distance and his Step dad is leaving his house, he appears to be quite angry but it might just be his usual appearance. I've only ever met Gary 4 or more times through all these years and I don't find him particularly appealing. He's got this horrible, drunk look about him and his teeth are yellow and brown which isn't ever attractive and I don't know why Phil's mum likes him. Honestly I'm a bit scared of him.

Once Phils dad turns a road and gets out of view I quickly run to Phils door and knock loudly so if anybody is home they can hear me. I notice a figure in the window from the living room but then they leave the room and head upstairs. Is phils mum ignoring me? I knock again and wait a couple minutes before I see her coming back downstairs and closer to the door, hopefully she remembers me, I haven't seen her in ages. I don't know why I don't visit Phils anymore, probably because he hates Gary so much, plus he says his house is a dump. The door unlocks and I'm greeted by a very tired looking women with a dressing gown which goes to her ankles.

"Pj! I haven't seen you in ages, you've grown so much! Why did you come here today?" She asks I a fake happy voice and I recognise it to be similar to phils mum. But her long, black hair is now short and messy and her eyes aren't a bright blue but a dull grey, like the life has been sucked out from them. Her nails are short and bitten, not bright pink and purple with little sequins like they were a while ago. Things changed round here and I didn't even realise because I was to absorbed in my own problems instead of Phil's. His mum did text me the other day about his suicide note though and that's how I know about that and then I slipped my letter through their letter box because nobody was home.

"Would you mind giving this note to phil when you go to hospital next?" I ask politely and she reads it before looking at me confused, oh right it doesn't say my name. I tell her it's from his friend in his drama class and she smiles at me, I guess her hard work of getting phil an actor is succeeding, or so she thinks. I honestly don't know why she forced him into it because he's not a public speaker, plus if it doesn't make him happy then there's no point. After all once his parents die what is he going to have left in his life that makes him happy?

"Yes of course Pj, it's lovely seeing you again" She says and gives me a weak and limp hug then proceeds to close the door and I start to walk away. I recognise Phils dad in the distance and start running as fast as I can away from his view because he looks relentless and he's got a box of beer bottles in his hand. I wait till he's in the house and get out from the bushes before continuing to make my way home, home sweet home.


AUTHORS NOTE ^_^

Hey guys are you enjoying the story so far? Dan's a sweetie isn't he? I added in some phan for you becAuse people were asking for it so here it is. Pj is a great friend sometimes but other times he's spending too much time with Chris.
Do you know I've written 19 chapters already and the total word count for all I've written is about 70,000 words !!!

We've got 8,000 reads which is crazy and since I posted chapter 12 we gained 1,500 reads. Please spread this story round if you like it and recommend it to other and be sure to give it a comment of what you think so far..

Can we try and get 25 votes again and 10 comments?