My love for you is illegal ( boyxboy)

Chapter 4

DANS POV

I finish work and got back into my car, which stood alone in the parking lot. Once I closed the door I slammed my head into the car wheel and sighed. How could I let Phil slip away like that! I'm so stupid why didn't see it coming, I can see he isn't in a good point in his life and I just want to help. .

I turn the key round and hear the engine roar. Changing the gears and turning the leather wheel, avoiding all the cars and students walking all over the place. Occasionally beeping at some people to get out the way, I am not in the mood for this today. I can't wait to get home and calm down, have a coffee, and talk with Jade or the kids, although I have a feeling anybody will wind me up today. I turn up the radio which happens to have some shitty recent pop, not my taste but I can't be bothered to put in a CD.

After a long drive I arrive home and unlock the door. Silence is apparent and leaves me wondering, where is everyone? I shout everyone's names but nobody answers, I shrug and enter the living room where Kyle is sitting nervously, fixing his hair and putting on some body spray. I call his name and he jumps up obviously not expecting me to be here.

"Dad fuck, please leave the house, Kate is coming in like 15 minutes and I need you to leave!" He's shouts at me and I realise what he's planning on doing. It's kind of weird seeing Kyle being so grown up and having a girlfriend and doing 'stuff' with her, but as long as he's happy and healthy I do not have a problem with him, that's such a parent thing to say.

"I'll get dressed and then leave" I say and rush upstairs, tripping once and swearing. I take off my jacket and top, leaving the skinny jeans on and putting on a black short sleeves top with a white circle, one of my favourite shirts I own. I fix my hair and go downstairs grabbing my leather jacket and shouting,

"Use protection" at Kyle who groaned and told me to go away, arranging the flowers on the coffee table. I've met Kate once, she's such a bitch. Like excuse my language but I can't not hate her. She has bleached blonde hair and she always wears bright pink lipstick which makes her look like a prostitute. I shouldn't say that, especially not to Kyle who's smitten with her. I honestly don't know why she chose him, easy target I guess, he's not her type, she must be only after the sex. He's going into six-form next year and he better find somebody who's more decent and loving.

I laughed and left the house, how I love annoying the kids. I decided to go for a walk in the park, and hope none of the students recognise me. The street is filled with annoying chavs and I also see Kate, who's wearing a bright pink mini skirt and a lime crop top, it's pretty cold and I don't know how she is living, maybe the fake tan is protecting her. Ugh don't let her in my house.

I walk further down the street and spot a lanky figure, who is shivering from the cold. Then they looked at me and I recognised their eyes immediately. Those piercing blue ocean like eyes that sparkle with tears, how they looked at me with a second of trust but more sadness and emptiness. Their raven black hair is bouncing up and down with every step and their mouth is open wide. I think they recognised me too.

I run towards Phil, who stood frozen like a deer in the headlights. So much fright was visible from his shaking hands and trembling lip. He must be a screwed up mess if he gets so scared by human presence, but then I get it, it took me a while to adjust to life after being bullied constantly for over 10 years of my life, shame that for him it's probably gonna last a while longer. I still occasionally flinch when somebody grabs me unexpectedly or walks behind me but I guess it's a reminder of how much of a fail I am at life but that encourages me to get better and I have improved over the years so much, both self confidence wise and personality.

"Phil" I said knowing I shouldn't make contact with student after school but this was a exception. He looked at the floor and tugged down on his sleeves so they were past his hands. He looked so small, so vulnerable that I just wanted to squeeze the life out of him but not in public. He mutters a small sorry and I rub his shoulder awkwardly, resist dan, resist the urge to hug. To be honest I've think I've hugged him far to much already this week without getting found out and I'm sure if any of his friends or classmates saw they would call him gay, not that they already don't but it would hurt me if I knew it was my fault. Then they would report it and I would lose the job I've began to love and enjoy, the students are great and phils just a extra sneaky bit of happiness.

His legs give out under him and i rush to his side, luckily his hands hit the ground in time for his head to be saved. I pull him back up to his feet and he looks me like he's reading every emotion is feel. His hands still have a strong grip on my arms, not wanting to let go. I let him hold on because it looked like he couldn't hold himself up, plus it's just a bit of contact that I've been craving. I pushed a piece of hair out his eyes and waited for his sniffles to calm down.

"I'm sorry for running away" he admitted and pushed himself against my body, begging for a embrace, with his pale hands up to his chest and head in my neck. I refused to hug him again, the fear of being caught becoming to much and I think that made him weep harder. His body still pressed tightly around my larger one and his tears dripping down my collar bone. He was like a cat trying to be stroked but your doing more important stuff and can't pay attention to it. I guess this is the point he thinks I stop caring and I have to stop soon anyway but it's so hard when he's so so like this, so phil.

"Why won't you hug me?" He said helplessly and looked into my eyes. His eyes made me shatter into a million pieces, they were a ocean filled with worry and hurt. I stuttered but I just couldn't reply when he was looking at me with puppy eyes. It's like he hypnotised me and took all my knowledge of words, I couldn't actually make noises out my mouth, you could say I'm speechless and as a drama teacher that never happens.

"I'm sorry I can't, it's illegal" I admitted and he mumbled a sorry and braught his sleeve up to his eyes and nose, wiping them, then he started to walk away but before he could get out my reach I grabbed his wrist and stopped him, which shocked him as I felt his whole body tense up and for a moment his eyes scrunched up as if he was ready to be hit, how could he think I would, ever hurt him? I'm the least intimidating person ever probably because my childhood idol was Winnie the Pooh.

"But that doesn't mean I don't care" I said and he just nodded and walked away with his hands in his pockets and his hood covering his bruised face. I felt sorry for the boy I honestly did but I couldn't be affectionate towards him, for legal reasons. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him it's okay and nothing can harm him now but I couldn't and that's the worst feeling in the world. When you want to help but you can't and you have to let somebody suffer knowing its your fault and you could of saved them.

I decided to go to the nearest Pizza place, Jerry's Pizza Palace. I know I can afford posh restaurant food but sometimes I like to pig out and be fat, who doesn't? Although I'm glad I don't comfort eat that much or else I would be obese by now, probably those stairs in our house keep me fit, well decent anyway. I notice a familiar face running towards me with outstretched arms, my little girl.

"DAD!" Becky yells as I spin her round and laugh, her hair going in my face but I don't mind. I put her down and wait for Jade to come over with her face of disapproval, she hates it when becky screams loudly in public, to embarrassing apparently but she laughs about it anyway, you just can't be angry at Becky. I give jade a quick peck on the lips and she starts babbling to me about her day, which includes the guy at the office, Barry being a absolute asshole towards her. Not that I'm listening, which is so rude as she's complaining and as a good husband I should be telling her how much of a dickhead he was and she's right but instead I'm thinking about what I'm going to do with Phil.

"IM GOING ROUND GRANDMAS SOON!" Becky shouted which awoke me from my day dream and I smiled at her. Becky loved and I mean loved going to my parents house. They had a huge playroom for her and she couldn't get enough. All they fed her was cookies and pizza, not what I wanted but it was only a weekly thing so she deserved it. They are also extra nice to her and let her do anything unlike me who was treated strictly. But they weren't mean to me they just wanted me to do well in the future. Kyle wasn't so keen on them though, they treated him like a kid and he didn't appreciate it. Still made him cupcakes and cookies and brought him cloths, which he already had way to many even though he wore only like 5 pairs of t-shirts.

"By the way why aren't you at home?" Jade asks, crossing her arms and looking at me with her eyebrow raised, her heels tapping against the pavement. I swear one day those heels will break her legs, she wears them everyday and as Greta as her skinny legs look in them I don't understand how she copes, maybe it's because I'm a guy and I just 'don't get it'.

"Well Kyle brought home Kate and he doesn't want me there" I said and saw that jade realises why he doesn't want us there. To be honest she's just probably thinking that they will make out because I don't think she understands how mature Kyle is now and that he will so things like that but I'm not going to tell her that and ruin this night by making her go home and giving Kyle the whole talk in front of Kate, which would be an absolute cockblock for him.

"I was going to the pizza place, you could join me?" I asked and becky screamed yes and giggled, a lot of people probably thought she was on drugs. Jade agrees and we walk in, taking some seats and listen to Becky talk about some friend she made and Jade saying how she's very happy Becky will be the social one, I agree and we stay their for a while whilst eating pepperoni pizza as becky doesn't like any other apart from pepperoni and margarita which I can't stand, it's just freakin cheese and dough!

PHILS POV

I can't believe what I just did, I'm so stupid, of course Mr howell doesn't want to hug me, I'm a scum, a absolute disgust. To think he actually cared about me, when he doesn't even want to make physical contact with me, to be honest I probably wouldn't want to even make eye contact with myself. I just wanted him to hug me tightly like before, to feel safe for a while and for all the bad things to disappear. I wish he just left me alone and got on with his life instead of leading me on to thinking he could help me.

I arrive home and luckily hear silence. Some people say silence scares them but to me it's the sweetest sound to exist. How you can hear your own breath and heartbeat instead of screaming and hustle. Birds instead of the thud of somebody falling to the ground in groans of pain and the stinging slap on their cheek. You could drown in your own thoughts without being interrupted even though they could be negative and lead you to do bad things. But maybe that was just me, silence is sweet and I savour every minute.

I peek into the living room where I see Gary passed out on the sofa with some naked slut lying next to him, her long, brown curls suffocating his ugly face. I shiver in disgust and silently step up the stairs hoping not to wake anybody, as that could result in a horrible beating which I'm not mentally prepared for. To be honest am I ever prepared to be beaten? It all started when I was in year 7, first year of secondary school (ages 11-16) when they made fun of my nose, which was slightly bent from when I crashed into a wall by playing trains in primary school, this happened by me stopping In front of a wall and everybody else bumping into me and colliding my nose with the wall, some of the blood went on a girls dress and she never spoke to me again. It continued into them picking out other features which made me so self conscious and start to develop social anxiety, which made me so scared to leave home and go into public because I was terrified that people would judge me and hurt me for it. Unfortunately that's exactly what happened anyway, when I was in year 10 (ages 14-15) this new guy joined and he started to build himself up a gang and start to pick on me, first lightly but then over a year he started properly beating me up and leaving me to wake my unconscious self up. And it continued till now where they have no mercy for me what so ever and added with Gary's beatings I just want to die and leave the life I live.

I opened the door to my poster filled room, some of muse, panic at the disco, paramore (mostly Haley Williams), you could barely see the old, crusty blue paint peeling behind them. Plopping down on my bed and giving a loud sigh of relief, at least that hell was over but now into this one. That's the worse thing, it's just a transition from a bad place to a second and it keeps going back and forth.

Today I was going to kill myself. I thought I should let you go but something saved me, I don't know what but it made me want to live for one more day. Like something clicked inside of me and gave me a small glint of hope, I felt like a sim cheating the grim reaper to stay alive and it felt good. Not great but okay and I definitely wanted it to stay. But then again give me another day or two and I'll be back in the same position, the same mind track, kill yourself phil they will tell me. Trust me one day I will do it and they will probably be laughing but I will give myself another day of bitter bitter life.

I hear my door open and I look over to see my mum, standing there with a bloody nose and bruised eye. I knew Gary did it a while ago because the blood still looked fresh although she had been crying for a while and it made me want to kill him, even though she's not my favourite person in the world, she still doesn't deserve what Gary does to her, all she did was supply him with a loving wife and home. A warm tear trickled down her rosy cheeks and onto her floral top. I wish she could stand up for herself and maybe me, but she's always to weak to even try, Gary will slap her and tell her death threats and she will haver to obey his every word. Mum comes and sits next to me, trembling slightly and wiping the spilt fountain of mascara under her eyes, wincing slightly as her finger traces over the forming black pattern. I engulf her in a hug and allow her to cry into my arms. I hate this, I hate having to be a adult in this messed up family. For once I want somebody to care for me and hug me, kiss me, tell me it's going to be okay and that they will keep me safe and i don't have to worry but it's never going to happen. I don't deserve anybody that good.

She mumbles a sorry and I tell her it's fine and she can always come to me, well for as long as I'm here anyway. Mum checks her watch and realises she needs to go for whatever work related reason, also apply foundation to cover her bruises and scars and hope nobody notices because i've heard what Gary has been saying to her if anybody spots any signs of abuse on her, that he will kill her and even me and i know that even if it seems that she doesn't care about me, deep down she still loves me and i'm the only one she has. I tuck myself under the covers, making sure none of my limbs are hanging off the bed or exposed to the harsh cool air, it may seem childish but i can't help thining somebody will try and grab me whilst i'm sleeping. I let all my nasty thoughts leave and let sleep take over my mind.



Aurthors note

guys thank you for nearly 1000 reads thats mental and there are only 3 parts well 4 now :D and thanks for all the votes because its the best feedback ive ever recieved :) so please keep voting and commenting as it really encourages me to keep writing



and by the way ill stop with all the fluffy cuddling because i've had enoguh of that, there was originally another hug but I decided that's to much :)