My love for you is illegal ( boyxboy)

Chapter 12

PHILS POV


Beep, beep, beep

What's that noise, is it heaven, or maybe hell? Have I escaped the bitterness of life and flew into the sky or am I still grounded to this sphere of blue and green. I try to open my eyes to see anything but the pitch black which is displayed in front of me blocks any colour or objects in sight.,
I can't move no matter how hard I try, my muscles or bones aren't working and I can't feel anything, maybe I have died... It's almost like I'm empty again, craving to know I'm a real person. And you know the only thing that convinces me I am is the blood which pours from my arms.

I hear a loud cry but I can't identify the person, they sound like they are bing dragged further away for me and trying to fight the blackness. I want to grab onto them and ask them for guidance into gods gates but i can't control myself, I feel like jelly that's wobbling uncontrollably. When suddenly I'm floating in a never ending dimension of water, which spills in every direction I look in and it seems there is no escape, just pure never ending, empty ocean. No life and no plants, I'm all alone just like I as before. So why is this any better? I need to be with the angles which will keep me company or looking over my friends to make sure they're doing fine (I say friends I mean Pj) I feel like I'm drowning and I can't stop it, I'm not breathing, or struggling but just being content. It's scary but I like knowing I'm far away from the bullies which torment my streets.

Beep beep

There it goes again and it's frustrating me, it's sounds like a bomb about to explode and it's making me nervous, I thought the afterlife was supposed to be peaceful and calming. I see a hand at the surface under the water, it's reaching out to me as if it's trying to help but I don't understand why? I'm already dead? Aren't i? I feel my body swimming towards it although I have no control and I'm freaking out because is this god? Is he taking me to heaven now, or is it satan because let's me honest I only deserve his treatment. But what will be the positive of death if I just experience the same things over again.

The hand is quite tanned and their fingers are long and elegant, though slightly chubby and cute. I feel my finger tip touch theirs and a spark electrocutes my body causing me to shrivel up in pain and start to sink again but the hand grabs my wrist and I hold onto theirs tightly, not wanting to loose them again into the dark, cloudy waters. It feels like they're my saviour, taking me from the loneliness and into their company, maybe it's a friend? They tighten their grip and start pulling me up towards the surface, although it's happening extremely slowly and I feel like I'm going to suffocate if I don't get out soon. Then I reach the surface, taking in the biggest breath I could manage and the hand disappears. But I'm floating in the water alone again, with nothing but white walls surrounding me and somehow I feel trapped in a room again, trapped in my mind.

My eyes open slightly, hearing shouts and names being thrown around the room but no words seem to make sense to me, maybe the heavens speak different language? . The walls are all white and pale blue like the sea in my head, I don't know if this is even real. I go to pinch myself to check but my hand isn't moving but it makes me want to scream and shout and get somebody to save me from this sudden wild, abandonment I'm feeling. My eyes start to see shapes, even costumes of the blurry figures, they seem to be in a rush and walking around me, towering over my body and inspecting things. Is this what heaven looks like? Because fuck I don't want people to pay that much attention to me, I'm not a crowd person.

"He's made it!" Somebody shouts and I suddenly feel my chest rising and falling dramatically and at a irregular pace, what is happening? A heartbeat accompanies me and I feel life draining back into me, but alongside that my fingers twitch and somebody laughs, why are they laughing at me? I've made it? What have I made? A good suicide? Because I've seem more interesting ways of doing it but that was the easy way out. If I had the courage then maybe I would have jumped off a bridge or shot myself in the head, that would of been far more awesome but I'm a wimp.

A groan escapes my lips and I open my eyes fully to see 5 faces looking over me and a bright light shining into my eyes, causing my hand to cover my face. They gasp again and somebody in the distance screams and starts crying, but then the worst part comes. I feel my back sting and I make a hissing sound but then get back into a comfortable position. I thought pain didn't exist in the afterlife? My arms ache as I lift them and my head is banging, like somebody furiously knocking on your door, that's the worst kind of headache.

"Phil lester? You've survived your suicide attempt!" Somebody yells loudly in my ear sounding extremely happy and I can't fucking believe it, I didn't succeed, all this effort and I'm still alive! No escape from the motherfucking hell I live in and I have to deal with Gary's beating again and school and life. Whys everyone so happy? Nobody cares about me so why should they care that they saved me, they don't know me, they're probably lucky they don't.

"Please kill me, kill me" I whisper as tears start streaming down my face and I scream loudly and start thrashing on the bed. How stupid am I to have been saved in time! The ladies and men doctors start to try and calm me down and keep me in place and I hear somebody call for help but I don't want to stop screaming till I lose my voice because the frustration Is overwhelming. Another lady comes in and starts telling me to breath with her but it's so difficult because I can barely function right now and tears are streaming down my face and I'm in a stupid gown and the schools going to find out about this and then there will be rumours. Not that there aren't anyway but this is just going to add to the list. I hate life.

Once a calm down, about 15 minutes later, a lady walks up to me and starts telling me how I will have to go get help and see a therapist but I don't want to, I just want to die. Why don't they understand, surely they would realise if a kid tried to kill themselves they probably did it for a reason they don't want to have to come back too. The thing is that now I have committed before, it showed me how easy and quick it is and it won't stop me from trying till I succeed and I love it. It's like a new found adrenaline and confidence, it feels great and I feel powerful. She gives me a piece of paper which shows me where the therapist is and her name and shit plus my prescription. As if I will do any of that. I've researched them online and people have said they don't help, and it would be super awkward talking to a stranger you don't know.

"Phil, we know things are tough right now but with help you will get better okay, you can't choose whether to get help or not because it's up to your parents so I will bring them in for you and you can discuss it okay?" She says and I nod because I can't really understand what's happening but then it hits me like a hammer and I realise I'm going to have to face mum and Gary and their gonna kill me, crap. I hope Gary feels guilty for what he drove me to doing, though I doubt it because he's a heartless bastard that I wouldn't mind stabbing.

They walk in through the plain, white door and mums face is trashed, her eyeliner and mascara all down her face and her eyes puffy and red. But Gary looks furious just like I expected, his fists are scrunched up and his nails digging into his skin, he wants to punch me and I can sense it but not in this environment. They sit down by me on two chairs and Gary sighs and looks at mum before whispering something into her ear and she immediately stops grieving and tries to put a fake smile on. But behind those eyes are just lies upon lies to the nurses and why It happened.

"Listen here you suicidal faggot, do you understand how much trouble I could of got in for those scars on your body, I had to tell them you are badly bullied and they attacked you, then your mum started crying and screaming and i couldn't control her, you shit should of died" he growls quietly making sure nobody else can hear and get suspicious of his actions, he's to good at acting to get caught for this. I could of been so close to escaping them but I didn't and I hate myself for that.

"How did you find me in time?" I croaked my voice still raspy from my slumber and I didn't know how long I had been asleep for so I looked at my little piece of a paper she gave me and one week and three FUCKING DAYS?! That means I've missed all of last week, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, so it's Tuesday now, I think. Though I can't confirm it seeming I've lost track of time and there's no date on anything. It feels good to have slept for that long though.

"Mum came home early from work and knocked on your door to give you some fucking dinner which you didn't deserve anyway because your fat and ugly but you didn't answer so she knocked down your door and called 999, all whilst I was passed out on the floor" Fuck mum, this is the one time I hate her so strongly I would murder her right here, right now. I will never let her forget this, she saved my life against my wishes, why would she want me to continue living this nightmare. Is it because she is selfish and doesn't want to endure it alone because if so what a bitch who can't give her son what he finally wants. And I know it's harsh to say that but I needed escape and she confined me again. Maybe she can give me my gift of letting me die on Christmas? Hat would be the best thing she ever would give me.

"Your going to school on Friday, they said your out Thursday so look forward to the beating then" Gary laughs and grabs mums hand and she whispers a sorry and I look away, now she's freaking sorry once she's saved me and taken me away from my dream. I notice my rucksack on the floor and see a two little letter inside, both which are scrunched up and slightly ripped but readable, I pick it up and place it onto my lap, wincing slightly as my back presses into the bed, before reaching for the first letter which reads,

"I'm sorry darling, stay strong whilst you can, I don't know what I would do without you, you are the reason I'm alive,
love mum"

Okay well saying sorry doesn't change anything because words mean nothing. If you thought about your actions before than you wouldn't have to be apologising now. I can't believe she said whilst you can as if she doesn't believe in me, well at least she's telling the truth. I scrunch it up and throw it in the bin next to me, a teardrop landing on it and soaking the letters. She can die for all I care. Stupid bitch. The second letter is now in my hand and it says,

"Hey I know what you did, you mum told me and I want to say sorry I've been such a crap friend and I love you so so much phil. I've read your suicide letter and I hope everything turns out well with that special person. I know you've been suicidal for a while now and I haven't helped because honestly I didn't know how, I still don't. But I prayed every night that you lived and I cried to Chris non stop but I didn't tell him once what about, and I know you wouldn't want anybody to know anyway. I can't wait to see that pretty face of yours again and please if you need help tell me.

Love PJ xxx"

More tears stream down my face and make splashes onto the note from Pj, honestly I couldn't ask for a more caring and supportive friend. I place the note next to me on my little side desk and I notice something else in the rucksack, a A4 art pad, thank god mum brought me something like this, now I will at least have something to occupy myself with. I reach my hand into the bag and feel around for a couple pencils when I find one I open up the art book and tap my pencil on the side, deciding what to draw.

A thought came into my head, why don't I draw a face, haven't practised them in a while. I start with the outline and the jaw line which isn't to difficult all though I have to rub it out a few times just to get it perfect like i imagine it in my mind. Next I draw the outline of the eyes, which I pretend are brown because I love brown eyes, I start to shade them in and make them seem 3d and add all the lines and shapes of the iris, which is always so hard because of the individual little shapes and lines which vary from every person. Then I go onto the nose, i always find the nose hardest to draw but I finally get the outline right, making it a perfect shaped nose with no bumps and weird lumps like mine, hate my nose so much and all the kids used to make fun of it. Next the lips, which are plump and in my head very pink and shiny, I draw them in a side smirk with a dimple either side, although the left side ones is a lot deeper, almost like a moon crater. Finally the hair and ears, the ears pop out slightly from the hair only so you could see 1/3 of them. Then the hair which matches the colour of the eyes(but darker) that's what I picture in my head when I think about what would suit this person. Their hair sweeps over their forehead but not in a emo way more like a 2013 stylish way and one side is slightly shaved and shows off more ear than the other. I shade in the hair and make the last few edits to the drawing before analysing it fully. I'm quite proud of this one even though I think half my drawing are shit, this ones quite good maybe it's because something about the face makes me like it.

I look up at the clock and notice a hour has passed since I started the drawing, wow time goes fast when your having fun. I remember in art GCSE when I was in year 11 I worked on a project for 56 hours, I calculated. Which I stayed for after school sometimes and even came in early (although now that impossible because I can barely be bothered to get up at the normal time. But never the less I loved the outcome and the teacher displayed it in a professional art gallery, I was so proud and felt on top of the world. I start to fiddle with my fingers and blush to myself at the thought, everyone was so proud of me for once. I stare blankly at the pastel coloured sheet which keeps me moderately warm, What do I do now?

"Hey" I hear somebody whisper from the left of me, I look towards them and see a boy. He has bright, ginger hair and a skinny body, almost anorexic I would say, you could see his bones on his legs and I looked like a hippo when I sit down. He comes closer curiously and I notice his skin is extremely pale, filled in with only marks of ginger freckles. His apple green eyes lifeless, staring right into mine. He's now standing next to my bed towering over me and his hospital gown swallowing him because of how small he is compared to it, seriously his arms only fill up like 1/10 of the sleeve.

"H-hi" I croak slightly scared by him staring at me so intensely. He traces his finger along my cuts on my wrist and I immediately flinch away from him, he can't touch me so gently, nobody can, I deserve to be beaten and die. He looks me up and down and stops when he reaches my bruised eye and jaw, his mouth opening slightly in shock. I'm not gonna lie this kid is slightly creeping me out. He's so fascinated by me and it's truly the only time somebody has bothered to even notice me but I guess we might relate to each other in some wha conserving we are in the same care unit.

"Hi I'm Alex, your phil I've checked your name tag already when you were sleeping, ha, sorry I sound a bit creepy right now. So your in here for trying to commit suicide are you, yeah I know that as well, ha aha" Alex laughs although it sounds forced and like a psychopath but he seems like he has a caring personality when it's not clouded by his strange habits. But normalness only leads to sadness (well not in my case) He grabs a chair from the other side on my bed where Gary sat and drags it loudly across the floor, making a sickening scraping noise. He sits down beside me looking still right at me, his eyes not moving once and blinking only at the rarest times, and I thought I never blinked.

" uh yeah, life just wasn't worth living anymore for me, what about you?" I ask politely although I kind of wish I wasn't talking to him right now because I just want rest, I just want to think everything over again. Maybe how I plan to kill myself for real this time, or how I'm going to talk myself out of the rumours at school, god knows. But I can try and be polite anyway because I know I hate being ignored so I might as well care.

"Schizophrenia, anorexia, and some other stuff I can't pronounce, although you probably thought I was here because I was obese, I mean look how fat I look, haha. Yeah my demons are just telling me the truth you know." Alex says sternly as he looks dead into my eyes, giving me the chills. So I thought I had it bad when this kid has a life threatening condition, and can see people that aren't actually there. I don't even deserve to feel pity for myself because I cut over the fact people hit me or I'm fat. When he is actually anorexic and thin but it doesn't look beautiful like I thought, for once i actually wish I could eat something right now. I say that but as soon as I'm offered food I'll probably not accept it.

"Trust me you are the skinniest person I've ever seen, you should definitely eat" I reassure him and pat his arm despite my weakness. He moves further away from me and starts to close his eyes frantically, putting his hands over his ears and falling off the chair with a thud. But then he starts to shake and he can't stop screaming. He's shouting names of people I've never heard of and I guess it's his demons which haunt him. If only Schizophrenia was a mental illness where you made imaginary friends that were lovely to you and were like your best friends you've had all your life. But god doesn't want that for anyone, he wants them to suffer by thinking they are going to be killed by unreal people which cloud their thoughts.

"NO NO SHUT UP!" He screams and starts to run around the ward, tripping over medical equipment and getting his fragile skin bruised whilst begging for help, i'm scared what's happening! I call for some help with my buzzer button and almost immediately nurses come running in and noticing Alex tossing and turning in his position on the floor. They grab his arms and legs and pick him up but he won't stop hitting them and sobbing even one nurse has a bloody nose, why are they hurting him?

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL, STOP LYING TO ME PHIL!" He yells once they place him on the bed and tie him down with straps, is this legal? Why did he call my name, I didn't lie once to him. I want to cut, I need to but there's nothing here that I can do it with. I can't believe I caused such a sweet boy distress, I don't deserve to be here. I dig my fingernails into my scar filled wrist, scratching and clawing till I see droplets of blood appearing and slowly making there way across my arm. The bloods thick and gloomy instead of runny, probably from the lack of water I've been drinking. I just want to see the blood pour out my wrist like a waterfall, is it that much to ask for?

A nurse runs up to me and grabs my hand from me but I don't understand why she's doing this, I'm just getting a release. She wraps my wrist in a white and blue, soft material bandage and I keep squirming and making it difficult for her but she doesn't give up. Once she's done she secures it with a weird type of glue which makes it hard for me to remove if I tried to do it again. She does the same to the other arm, just in case I do it again she says. It's funny that she says just in case when she's definite anyway, I know it, my family knows it and so does the world. For fucks sake I tried to commit suicide, of course I'm not going to get better any time soon, or even at all. I hit her in the face accidentally and she sighs and moves away from me, I feel so guilty because she starts crying and calls for help. Which arrives soon and the man tells me to calm down and eat something but I refuse even when he tries to shove a spoonful of soup in my mouth, it's disgusting hospital food. He leaves after a few minutes of failed attempts and tells the nurse to leave. Can't deal with me can they?

I check the clock and notice it's 7pm and I'm already tired from all the chaos, I haven't even eaten today have I? Oh well I can live another day without consumption. I pull the thin duvet up to my neck as I realize how chilly it is in the ward, and completely silent. But then i hear a soft cry to my right and i see a young girl, about 14 looking at a picture and cluthcing it tightly in her hand. Looking to my left there is muscly tattooed man perhaps older than me looking blankly at the ceiling, his mouth in a strait line, but than i see the scars on his wrists and thats when i notice. Nobody here is smiling or sleeping, they are all thinking about what they did to end up here, how they are going to cope with their life. I realise thats why im so afraid to go to hospitals because it's only negative things that end up here, well apart from birth but that ruins some people's lifes awell.

i don't think i will sleep tonight, the soft cries feel like they are magnified ten times by the eerie silence and the shuffling disturbs me and makes me think that somebody is out to get me. What if a phycopath comes in and kills me, wait maybe that wouldn't be so bad? Oh wel probably not going to happen but i can dream.


UNKNOWN POV

I know I'm getting closer, the clues are building. I've found his Facebook and hometown. They still haven't moved from when I was there , maybe it's because they've got a place for me in their heart that they can't get rid of. Maybe he still thinks about me and what I was like when he was little, though I doubt he can remember. I left them but now I'm coming back because I've found out what they've done to my little boy, and I'm going to get them back. Make them suffer and bleed till I cut of their oxygen and rip out their guts. I'm a bit of a serial killer with over 15 victims dead and I've not been caught but I'll improve for my boy.

He probably thinks I don't love him anymore but i do, so much it pains me everyday but I got to plan everything or else it will fail. I can't be caught or else it's over.


AUTHORS NOTE -

Hey guys like we've got 6,800 reads or something now and I'm so happy and I can't wait to reach 10,000 and I hope you guys keep reading and giving me comments. I love your support and I couldn't do it without you!!

Ohh somebody's after somebody else? But u will never know, well u will at some point but if u match up the pieces than maybe u will guess??? Next chapter will be more interesting.

Comment who u think it is if ya want?! And it would be cool to see if u are following the story.


So can we get 25 votes on this chapter and 10 comments?