My love for you is illegal ( boyxboy)

Chapter 11

PJS POV

My last class is Media and it's also my favourite, although none of my friends take it so it's a shame that I never have anybody to pair up with. Although there's this one cute boy called Aaron and he's so mysterious and I occasionally catch him looking at me from the corner of his dark eyes but he's always got a hood over his head. He's a bit emo and doesn't look like somebody you want to mess with but once I saw him smile when he got a A* for his project and it was a really nice, genuine toothy smile. If you want a comparison of him to somebody then look up Suicide room and he's the main guy actor.

The teacher talks about a new upcoming project we have to do, and although I'm all ears, I feel eyes burning into me and it's making me uncomfortable. She says we will have to do it in pairs and I immediately feel my heart drop as I know I'll have to be forced with a odd one out and it's probably going to be Daisy, who's absolutely lovely but never gets any work done because she's so busy eating or watching Tv, or Callum, who's frankly the weirdest child in school and everyone's scared of him because this one time he killed a frog and threw it onto a teacher. You heard me right, he got it out the class cage and dissected it with a pencil, but when the teacher shouted at him he threw it at her and it went down her bra, he went to juvy for animal abuse for a couple of weeks but came back. Nobody really talks to him but I see him in the streets sometimes with a girl who looks like she has a disability because her face is deformed and they're always laughing and I'm glad they have somebody that makes them happy and accepts them.

I look around the room and see Aaron smiling at me, whilst pointing once to me and then back to him, oh well I guess I got a partner than, and honestly I couldn't be happier although I'm trying to hide it. I blush slightly and walk over to his desk where he pulls a spare chair over and let's me sit down next to him, my hands are wobbling slightly because I've got a slight crush on him and I'm just generally so nervous around new people. But it's nothing compared to my crush on Chris, I've liked Aaron for a couple months and if he asked me out I would probably say yes but not be in a serious long term relationship because my heart is Chris's.

"Hey Pj, do you wanna do the Halloween scary movie trailer idea or the one short film about a celebrity?" Two very different choices, although I can see which one the girls will pick easily. I would much rather do the scary movie and use some awesome new technology to so special effects and get my friend to do theatre make up, I'm excited. For once I have somebody who's interested in what he's doing and not having to work independently, plus the cute factors adds onto the luck.

"Scary movie" I say and he agrees with a little smile, what a cute smile it is. We talk about some ideas for the trailer and we come up with one where a demon is hiding in your house and he's out to get you, it's quite stereo typical but we can get the message across easier. Aaron's a very quite boy and he only really ever agrees or disagrees with me, occasionally giving a short phrased idea and nodding, but I find it quite cute how he's so shy. After another hour we start packing away and I put my hand out for a friendly handshake but he goes in for the hug and I quickly change my position and hug him back, squeezing probably a bit two tight but what can I say I'm a hugger. We say our goodbyes and I walk out the class room on my way to meet phil, blushing stupidly from the contact although it will never have the same effect as my touches with Chris. This was like a firework but with Chris it's a bonfire night.

I see phil by the gates and he's got his hoodie on, I guess the guys at school attacked him again, I wish I could help but honestly they would probably try to kill me. And I know I sound horrible for letting phil sit on his own at break and lunch and not with me and my friends but it's because they don't particularly like him and I don't want him to feel awkward, he's just misunderstood. I run up to phil and give him and one armed hug so people don't start assuming we are dating or that shit, I'm not being mean but phil isn't somebody I would date because he's like a brother to me and it would feel wrong. He mutters a small hi and keeps on walking, not talking much till we get off the main road where all the horrible kids waiting for the bus are.

"Pj they beat me up again before drama class" phil groans and takes off his hood, to reveal a massive new bruise on his jaw line and forehead, why do people feel the need to hurt him? I sigh and trace the bruise with my hand causing him to flinch and back away. Some of the blood has crusted and it's on my finger instantly making me remove it because blood makes me feel foul and light headed but it's what I'll deal with for Phil.

"I don't understand why they do it!" I say rather loudly and furiously while a silent tear trickles down my cheek, it's just so confusing as to why they make these marks on his body and I can't prevent it and it scares me that he has nobody apart from me and I'm not good enough. Well apart from his family but they never seem to say anything or maybe phil hasn't told them but surely they would notice. It's not my decision to tell them or not.



DANS POV

I'm walking to pick up Becky from school and the winter frost is making my hands feel like falling off. You know when your hands are freezing and you try to type on your phone but you can barely control your fingers, that's how i feel. I should probably buy gloves, leather gloves! No that's a bit homo but I guess people say so are skinny jeans. Fuck judgement because it's not gonna get you anywhere, the person who invented dildos probably got judged fuck loads and everyone made fun of him but now it's a wide spread object and he's probably rich. That was a weird comparison but it's the first thing that came into my head.

I see her school building and her in her little pink boots which Jade brought for her on her 8th birthday for £250, a bit overpriced if you ask me but she looks like a little princess in them, so it's worth it. I walk through the gate and she see's me immediately running towards me and jumping in my arms, it's rare for me to pick her up from school but when I do she loves it and I'm glad she loves me as a father, because as a 15 year old I thought I would be the shittiest dad in the world. I spin her round before putting her to the ground and giving her forehead a kiss, making her giggle and grab my hand, waving goodbye to her friend who I think is called Jessica but Im not positive, but she blew Becky a kiss and laughed.

"So how was school today?" I ask genuinely interested because we never really get to talk about this and it's amazing seeing how your kid is growing up so much and learning new things. But she didn't say anything for a couple of seconds and I was worried because she normally talks non stop about the most pointless but funny things which nobody really gets but it's cute to hear her babble on about pony's and what not.

"I think that I love Jessica, is that bad because she's a girl?" She asks shyly and looks me in the eye, a little tear drop falling onto her chubby cheek. I haven't seen her cry in ages and I don't understand why she is now, I'm sure you love your friends a lot and there's nothing wrong with that. I pick her up and she wraps her little arms around my neck, burying her head in my neck and crying gently, she's such a sweetie and it hurts to know she's crying because of something she doesn't understand.

"Becky, it's normal to love your friends because they're very special to you and I'm sure you do love Jessica but only because she's your best friend" I reassure her, rubbing her back and she hiccups, slowly stopping herself from crying. It takes a minute or two for her to calm down and look up at me, her cheeks red and her bobble hat uneven on her head, making me fix it because I'm such a perfectionist, wiping the tears falling with my thumb.

"It's just because I told the class that me and Jessica are best friends and I love her very much and this boy said I was stupid and it's wrong" Becky whimpers, sniffing from her little cold which winter has nicely given to most of the British population and especially when your In school and around all those children you are definitely going to get ill. It makes me sick that it's 2013 and there is still so many homophobic people in the world teaching their kids the same close minded ways, and being little kids they are influenced easily and think that for the rest of their life. Sure your allowed to have your own opinion and if you disagree with someone's sexuality I understand but if your going to say something horrible about it then it's not right.

I heard a saying once,
How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they are afraid of change even if it would make the world a brighter place.

"Becky they are just being silly and don't listen to them, best friends are allowed to love each other as well and I'm sure Jessica was upset too so if you want we can give her a call when we're home yeah?" I ask and she nods her head happily, so I put her down and grab her feeble freezing hand as we walk home for another five minutes talking about all the new toys she wants for Christmas from Santa (I still haven't broken the news to her and I'm surprised Kyle hasn't mentioned it).



PJS POV

We reach my house and I unlock the door and see my mum in the kitchen and when she notices phil she goes and gives him a bone crushing hug, my parents love phil, he's like their second son. Unfortunately I'm a only child so it sucks and I often get bored and have nothing to do on rainy days when I can't leave the house so most of my spare time goes into taking photos and making short movies which are kind of crap but it's what I love. People will tell me how much of a pain sibling are but I would love to have some, even if they were a pain in the ass for a while because everything pays off eventually. Especially when you old and crippled, you won't have anybody from your close family to support you.

I laugh at my mums enthusiasm as she hasn't seen phil in a while, well since like less than a week ago. We make our way upstairs and chuck our saggy backpacks In the corner of the room, before sitting on the two red, giant bean bags and turning on the game console, I had just brought a new game where you have to murder people and I've been waiting to play it with phil. I chuck phil a game controller and luckily he catches without breaking it.

"I'm so gonna best your ass in this game" phil laughs and disagrees with me, the games strong today. We continue playing for another hour and laughing every time we die stupidly, but right now phils winning 10-8 and I'm struggling to kill more people before the 20 seconds end. I manage to kill another person but it's not enough and phil wins this round but he got lucky because I got distracted by a text from Chris asking what I'm doing, and I couldn't not reply even if it made me seem a little desperate.

I gulped and a sudden silence took over the room and I turned to face phil, I was going to tell him that I like Chris, I know he won't judge me but it's just approval and advice on how to make him love me back that I need. I probably won't succeed because surely he would of told me by now, especially after telling me he was bi, but he's scared and frightened and I get that. It took me a couple of years to finally accept the way I am.

"Phil I've been wanting to tell you something for a while, and that's that I really really like Chris" I blush and phil just laughs, whys he laughing? Did I do something stupid, have I got something on my face?

"Jesus Pj, I knew that since you met him, you think I didn't realise all those looks you give him and how your eyes wonder down to his lips and how you stutter when he asks you who you like and stuff, to be honest you couldn't be more obvious" phil laughs harder and checks his phone from where he gets a message from. I can't believe it was that obvious to him, what about Chris can he tell? Does everyone secretly know, what if they tell him and he leaves me or beats me up? I thought I had hidden it quite well but even in the little time phil spends with the two of us he has noticed my fond for the hilarious brown haired boy.

"DINNER HONEY!" Shouted my mum from downstairs and we quickly got up from our seats And made our way downstairs and into the kitchen where we had a small wooden table, my house wasn't huge or expensive but it was cosy and felt like home. But I couldn't get rid of that horrible worried feeling in my stomach which made me want to be sick, Chris could not find out. Even if it meant my happy ending would come because I need him to make the first move and reassure me it's fine.


PHILS POV

"Faggot, you better be home tonight or else" Gary sent me a message saying, great and tonight I thought I could get a good nights rest without the constant fear of having Gary wake me up and punch me to death or something. I'm gonna have to make some lame and unbelievable excuse to Pj and hope he doesn't take it as me not wanting to spend time with him, because that's honestly what I would sell my soul for right now. If I could choose, I would spend the rest of my life at Pjs warm, comfy house with his lovely mum and dad who constantly spend time with him and cook him dinner. But disgusting creature like me are meant to be locked up.

I wasn't at all surprised when Pj said he liked chris because I've always known, I don't hang out with them much but when I do he's always blushing or looking at Chris like a love sick puppy. It makes me jealous that he has somebody so great in his life but he deserves it, he's an amazing and friendly guy who I don't know how I am friends with. I could only wish to one day be like him, well if I actually make it to that day. That's a psycho thought I've been having for a long time and it makes me think that one day I will have peace. It's so easy to kill myself, literally jump off a really tall building or stab myself with the sharpest knife I have but it's fear that's holding me back and the guilt feeling of leaving Pj and perhaps mum.

We have some spaghetti and I'm absolutely starving but each mouthful makes me feel fatter by the second and I want to throw it all up despite how good it tastes, pjs mom is a amazing cook and makes the most tasty cookies with rich chocolate and her special family recipe dough but that's when I used to enjoy eating. It makes me sound like a girl, oh I'm not eating because I'm insecure about my body but boys get it to. There is a expection for them too and not everybody accepts you as you can see and I hate my body, it's lumpy and bruised. Society thinks that it's only important for girls to look good and boys don't care but I want to be flawless and have the perfect model body but as if that will happen. Might need to go to the gym first but the embarrassment would be overwhelming.

I leave half the dish, pushing it away from me to make it obvious that I've had enough and my stomach feels so grateful for what I just gave it and I decide that I'm going to keep this food in for tonight because I haven't eaten in ages and sometimes I feel like I'm about to pass out during walking, which isn't convenient in a school made of stairs. I remember that one time I passed out in the elevator when I had a broken leg (you can guess how I got that) and the teacher was in there with me and freaked shit out, sent me to hospital and they fed me through a tube and gave me water, she stays clear of me now. I say a massive "thank you" to pjs mum who looks at me confused, probably with disappointment that I didn't eat her lovely dinner, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I always feel guilty about this because she tries so hard to impress yet I always fail her.

I check the time, 7pm and I should be heading home soon, after all I don't need another beating from Gary. He said my home time is 8pm at its latest and I'm in no position to disobey a man with much power. That one time when I was five minutes late he gave me a Chinese burn so bad that my arm was red with his finger prints for a week and some of the skin even cracked because of the force, but that was in the early days when punishment was still slaps and occasional pinching which is nothing compared to the stabbing and beating now.

"Pj my dad says I need to go home today because grans coming over and I haven't seen her in ages, is that okay?" I ask politely and Pj nods sadly, it's been a while since we hang out and it's nice to know he likes this as much as I do. I run up the stairs and feel my cut reopen again, the pain making my leg slip on the stairs and hold onto the rail breathing deeply, jeez I could have just died in that moment, not that I wouldn't have minded but I wouldn't want Pj or his mum discovering my dead body, they don't deserve that. The rest of the way to his room I feel the drops trickling down my back and onto my skinny jeans, trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face.

I hug Peej tightly, and for a lot longer than normal because soon his light and playful touch will be replaced by a painful and rough one. I walk to the door and quickly put on my coat, hoping the spilling blood doesn't drench the back of the hoodie, plus I don't think it's that bad but I do not want Pj to find out about anything, I couldn't live with myself if I knew Gary had hurt him because of me. We hug again, but quicker this time as he doors open and his mum doesn't want to much frosty air to enter the house. His hand presses into my back causing me to tense up and bite my lip to stop a slight wince coming out my mouth, making me pull away quickly but hiding the pained look behind a overly wide smile.

I wave goodbye and leave his house, sighing as he closes the door and I leave the safety of his house and into the danger zone. Walking down the 7pm abandoned street with only occasional teenagers hanging in groups and giving you death glares which make me shit my pants but they don't do anything to you because they have nothing against you. Inside every bully is a small child with worries and their own issues and if you find them out you can defeat them, but that's a bit mean so try and help them if your kind enough. I can see my breath heavily clouding the air in front of my mouth and I wonder if I look like I'm smoking, I know a childish thought, I used to pretend to do that with Pj as kids to see if we looked cool but we ended up laughing more at ourselves.. I laugh quietly to myself until I hear a beep behind me which scares the life out of me and I fall into a bush behind me, the sharp spikes of the rose bush digging into my skin and clothing.

"LOOK IT COCK BOY!" A guy shouts out the car window which he has rolled down just for the sake of embarrassing me than laughing to all his friends in the backseat of the car who pat him on his back for his 'great' achievement, another life embarrassment by phil. They drive away and I get myself out the prickly bush, cutting my fingers a few times and finally dusting my brand new, hopefully not ripped jeans off. Which actually look black instead of a shade of grey because they are so worn out that the life has been taken away from them. It feels like a trigger, something inside me snaps and I feel confidence flow through my veins. That was the perfect example of why I want to kill myself, and it's only going to continue, so why should I keep pretending it will get better?

Tonight's the night, the night it all goes away.

I reach my home and as I open the door I see Gary standing right in front of me, his face confused and with a slight goofy smile, god how much has he had to drink tonight? His hand immediately reaching out to grab me by my collar and shoving me against the wall with a loud thump and bang as he shuts the door behind us, making sure nobody could hear my cries through the wall. He's so wasted and I can see as he's barely standing strait, his knees are wobbling and his feet are facing inwards, he's also laughing and his eyes have gone all funny. The strength from his hands is a lot weaker and he can barely keep me in place but that doesn't stop me running away because he knows people, people who can harm me beyond repair. I know he won't remember this in the morning and he'll think he never did anything to me that night so he'll give me double tomorrow, it's always the same cycle over the past few years and I still haven't managed to get away from him, I can't legally till I'm 18.

He mutters something and takes a hit at my face but before he can even get halfway he falls down to the ground, his shaking legs giving up on him. I take that as a opportunity to run away as I see his eyes have rolled to the back of his head leaving the whites only visible and he looks a bit possessed (he probably is by satan) He's unconscious, probably from the alcohol poisoning, not that I care, if he died I would have a celebration and maybe some cake, bury him In the woods so he doesn't get a proper funeral and then we'll tell his family he run away to Spain and we are very hurt but really we'll finally, be happy and I have thought about this way too much. I head up the stairs wondering why I bothered coming home in the first place anyway, maybe I can go back to Pjs but I don't want to be a bother to him and his family. That's all I am, a fucking disgusting friend who can't keep his word and I'm sure Pj would be better off. At least he has other friends to go to unlike me, what a lonely world it is. Even though your never really alone you feel isolated and abandoned from the rest.

Nows the time, the time for me to be gone.

I go into Gary's and mums bedroom and I see a empty but messed up bed, I open a drawer where they stash the alcohol and pick out a green bottle with no label, probably some illegal stuff Gary got from his dodgy friends, perfect now it will probably be even stronger. Quickly closing the draw again to make it seem like I hadn't been in there. Then I head to the bathroom across the hallway, here I take a small container of pills, sleeping pills to be exact, I know mum uses them sometimes or else the nightmares haunt her. She's a unfortunate person too but I don't know why she got with Gary in the first place, maybe he acted nice and then as soon as he saw the opportunity he started to change into a monster.

I make my way slowly to my room and close the door, propping a chair up against it and checking that it's stable and nobody can get it, just in case they make it in time to save me and not let the pills take full effect, if that happened then I might just stab myself to make sure nobody can save me in time, yes im prepared to go there. I push another small dresser besides my bed in front of the door, which takes effort considering my back and the amount of junk in the draws which is never emptied because it's used as a bin for "things I don't really need and have nowhere to keep but are too valuable to give away" before finally walking over to my desk where I start to write a note.

"Dear Gary, bye, that's all I want to say to you.
Mum, I love you and I'm sorry and please run away because I was keeping you here and you don't need that, I'll miss you even though sometimes I hate you.
Pj, I love you so much, you were the best friend I ever had and you deserve to be happy and I hope everything goes well with your special person, I can't express how happy you have made my life, you were the sun in between the gloomy clouds.
And I want to say a big thank you to all my bullies for helping me finally decide I've had enough and being strong enough to do this.
One last thing, I hope that the person that has cared about me and been nice to me and made me smile for the past week has a very happy future"

I scribble a little smiley face at the end of the note next to my messy and rushed hand writing which is barely readable but I am so nervous that my whole body is trembling and I'm sweating but I'm happy finally. I decide to put a extra kiss next to Pjs name and place it on my bed next to the spot I'm going to kill myself, I've been thinking about this for to long. You could say I've been planning it in my daydreams and night thoughts as I stare into the patterned ceiling, making shapes out of the lines are scratches and the scary thing is that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

I sit down at the end of my bed and onto a dark black rug where I usually spend hours bleeding from my self inflicted cuts and scars because it won't show up and the carpet won't get stained, especially as I would get the blame for making the house messy and mum would be really angry because we can't afford new things (actually I'm sure we can as Gary has money but he took it for himself). I reach for the bottle of alcohol and try to unscrew the lid which proves tricky but I finally manage and a bit spills from my shaking hands, almost feeling like the acid is burning my skin. Then I grab the pills and achingly slowly twist the cap off, revealing the tens of shiny white pills which were about to go down my throat. They are quite pretty, each very clean and similar to the other and it shows that even small things that look harmless are dangerous.

I shake the tub to release some onto my hand but only one comes out and in frustration I pour the whole thing out, half in my hand and the other surrounding me, being evident on the dark rug. I count, 1,2,3,4,5,6,12 or even more and I put three in my mouth swallowing them quickly not trying to not think of the horrible taste of chemicals which sticks to my tongue. I take a swoop of alcohol and feel the burning sensation as it runs quickly down my throat, it's a sensation of death. Then another four I decide and quickly swallow those, although it proves to be a struggle as my stomach makes a strange noise and I hope it's the chemicals mixing together, being my sweet mercy angel and taking me away from here.

Then the last five go down my throat follows by a big sip of the toxic liquid which is bound to cause a negative effect on my body and finish this quickly. I drink some more alcohol before bringing my hands up to cover my hands and weeping like a little baby, sobs filling the silence of the house. Why am I crying? I'm happy now. It's the alcohol affecting me, it must be. I have no reason to live on this cruel world anymore. Nobody loves me, I have nothing here.I wipe the tears and close my eyes, waiting patiently for the effects to stop my blood pumping to my heart and closing down my organs one by one till I take my last aching breath.

The day is 13th November 2013 and the time is now.



AUTHORS NOTE!!

Hey guys I hope you like this chapter, oh wait I'm not sure you can like it but Phil is not at a good place right now. I love that you guys got me to 5,500 or over reads and I think before I post the next chapter we'll have 6000 hopefully. If you want to check out more of my story's than go to my tumbler "crazzedfangirl24" and read them <333 seriously love you guys for reading. And like this chapter had 5k words, most in any chapter I've written but only because it had to be detailed.

SO PLEASE KEEP VOTING AND COMMENTING BECAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO AND LETS SEE IF WE CAN GET OVER 25 VOTES!!!

-k