faded

13.0 - cabin pt. three

I sat in the tub, wincing as Zayn carefully finished washing my hair. I don't know how long I had been sitting here, but I was in a lot of pain. The bruises werent anything in comparison to how bad I felt inside. I had felt despair before, I had felt abandoned and rejected by God before, but this was something else. As I sat in that tub, it dawned on me how alone I was in the world. Too many toxic thoughts were eating at my brain.

If my mother wanted me, she'd come get me. Did she? No. She didn't. It was easy to find anyone if you really wanted to. I lived in the same house, had the same phone number, why hadn't she gone to see me? So why was I so hung up over her? She was just another person in the world who found it easy to throw me away. If my father had protected me, if he hadn't used me for his own gain, things would be different. If people hadn't taken advantage of me, if I had someone to love me as a child, I would have been another person. A better one. But I was raised on lies, built on lies, I lied, loved by liars, and ruined by lies, so this is my life. This is the product of dishonesty.

"You're quiet, baby."

I nodded slightly, feeling him watching me. "Sorry."

"Are you hungry? I didn't notice how much weight you had lost until earlier... You're so frail."

I closed my eyes and wished I was somewhere else. He had given me some pain killers that slightly took the edge off. I was feeling really high and I wasn't sure why.

"What were you doing while we were apart? Were you eating?"

"Yes," I lie. "No, I'm not hungry."

I look at him and he looks disappointed. Not guilty. "Don't lie to me, Anastasia. What were you doing? Why did you lose so much weight?"

"I was smoking, drinking, eating, and then vomiting. That's it."

He frowns, reaching behind him for a towel. "Why were you vomiting? Were you sick?"

"I couldn't keep food down. I tried."

He held me as I stood up from the tub. He wrapped me in the towel and hugged me despite my dripping hair.

"I know you're in pain, I have some painkillers downstairs. I need you to change, okay?"

He led me into the room and I immediately reacted to it. I couldn't sleep in there, not on that bed.

"No, Zayn," I hid my face in his chest. "Please, no."

"Come on, Ana. Just change, it's a fucking room."

He pushed me in and closed the door, not at all concerned for how I felt. I did as he told me, trying to avoid looking in the mirror. I limped over to the bed where he had already laid clothes out for me. I sat down, wincing at the sharp pain in my back.

I need to stop feeling bad for myself.

I need to stop feeling bad.

I took longer than usual to get dressed and by the time I did, I heard Zayn call my name downstairs. More painkillers.

I found that they toned down my anxiety. Even though I didn't like how cloudy they made my head feel, I liked that I wasn't so on edge around Zayn anymore. I knew that would help me adjust to this change.

I just had to convince him to keep giving me pills.

----

He pulled me on his lap.

"Here," he offered me two more different pills.

I knew the one I had taken earlier was Xanax, but I didn't know what these other two were. "What are these two?"

"Hydrocodone and ritalin."

I nodded and simply took them. I drank a lot of water and felt incredibly refreshed after, I was so dehydrated.

"Are you mad at me?" Zayn asked, quite stupidly.

I sighed, remembering my thoughts from earlier. I was alone. He was all I had. "No."

He kissed the side of my head. "Good, baby. Can you eat something?"

I shook my head no. "Maybe later on, my stomach is in knots."

"Do you want a drink?"

I was surprised he offered me alcohol for different reasons. It was unexpected. I had just taken pills and he was offering me something to drink?

I swayed a little bit, my eyes feeling very heavy. "Feel funny."

"Sorry, baby. I just wanted you to feel better. The nausea will go away in a little bit."

I wrapped my arms around him to steady myself.

"Maybe I shouldn't drink, I want to be awake."

He smiled. "I'm happy to hear that. I can't wait to get into bed with you later."

I frowned. "What?"

He immediately gives me this sad expression, like I've let him down. It comes back to me. How he told me I let everyone else fuck me whenever they wanted except him. He wasn't right but he wasn't wrong.

"I can't wait either," I said quickly, guilt weighing down on me.

I got up from his lap, both of us making way towards the living room, as if everything was fine even though I was falling apart.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm really sorry."

"I just don't believe you."

He kissed my cheek, "I really need you to. We've been through so much and you're all I have."

"Yeah, I know. I know. You're all I have, too."

Zayn visibly relaxes. I'm a lot calmer due to the medication that's taken me under, my hurting limbs and pouding head didn't bother me so bad. It was better than how I felt earlier.