faded

52.0 - million reasons

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Anastasia arrived completely exhausted. During the ride home she was mostly silent, just looking out the window thoughtfully. When we got home, she immediately went upstairs and I figured she had a lot on her mind. Zayn hovered over her constantly and maybe it was best that I give her some space, if she needed to talk to someone she'd do it on her own terms and on her own time. I didn't wanna force her to talk to me about what was going on, how could I? I was lucky enough that she felt comfortable around us and that she wasn't being as fussy as Zayn told me she could be. Apparently, she was a real nightmare when she wanted to be. He knew her better than I did, but it was hard to believe that someone as gentle as Anastasia could cause enough trouble that she needed to be restrained. He had told me she had changed a lot, but it only made me curious about her past. 

He never spoke about what she was like before she met him. As if those parts of her didn't exist, he refused to tell me about her interests aside from causing trouble and being with him. There was more to her, I noticed it as we walked by a bookstore today and she told me  to let her go in alone. I imagine that there was certain things she needed to do alone, since she wasn't exactly used to being around other females. Still, it made me feel kinda bad. The reason she was not open to being close was because she wanted to do things with Zayn, no matter what they may be, and she didn't desire the company of someone else. 

It made me think about what would happen if Zayn found someone else upon his return, if he called it quits with her and decided to throw her out of his life. Sure, they were married, and as cynical as it sounded coming from me, marriage wasn't a guarantee that two people would be together forever. I knew Zayn, I knew that if he decided to divorce her it would be his final decision. But what would happen with her? Would she return home and live a life as normal as possible after this whole ordeal? Or would she breakdown much like she was when we found her in Berlin, obliviously covered in her own blood and numbing herself with sleep, cheeks covered in mascara tears? It was not a good thought to have. Just because he loved her now didn't mean he'd love her forever, and for everyone's good, I hoped that it would be the latter. She was much too young to be abandoned in the way she had and surely Zayn knew that he had a responsibility in taking care of her.

"Cara?" I hear Anastasia's voice. Her steps are careful and she's wearing a big sweater, Zayn's, leggings, and some frilly socks. She looks tiny as ever, engulfed in the warm clothing, but appears very tired.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever see her happy.

"Hey, I thought you were going to sleep?"

I pat the spot on the couch next to me and she sits,  looking down at the floor like a scorned child. "I can't go to sleep because I'm scared."

I frown, unsure of what she means. "Well, why are you scared? Of what?"

She looks at me in the eyes and I notice how red they are, dark circles framing them. She clearly isn't sleeping very well and I suspect it's because she has some sort of night terror. 

"I'm scared that if I go to sleep, I'll dream that none of this is real," she answers quietly, "I'll dream I'm in New York with Zayn and we're happy... Only to wake up and see that I'm not with him, he's not close to me."

"But that'll go away, you know it will. He's going to come back, you have to trust in that and let it comfort you."

She shakes her head and pulls out a pack of cigarettes from the sweater pocket. Her thin fingers take one out and she holds it between her lips, allowing herself to light it and take a quick puff. "Imagine what it's like to love someone so much that you can't breathe, can't live without them."