I decided to make this entry different from the others. I've been feeling upset lately and I wanted to make this into kinda a letter, I guess, to someone that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I know some of you guys have been feeling a similar way, and hopefully this will help describe what you're feeling.
Dear you,
There's so much I want to say to you. So many things have run through my head since I lost you. I'll agree that maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it was for the best. But what if it wasn't? What if you were the best thing for me?
I know that you've been busy with other people and you've been busy in general, and that I probably never cross your mind, except for when you need something, of course. But you haven't left mine. No matter how many people I talk to or how many times I convince other people that you don't matter to me, it's never really true.
I'm always looking in your direction. I find myself constantly checking my messages, hoping to see that you texted me a long message telling me all about how miserable you've been and how much you miss me. How much I mean to you. That you think about me all the time and you keep remembering all the little things about me that make you smile. Because I do. It's all I can think about.
But the text never comes, and my heart plummets. Because no matter how many texts I get from countless others, if yours isn't up there, it doesn't matter.
I want to hate you, and I think some part of me does. You took so much from me. Stole so much, is more like it. You stole my best friend when you left. You stole my happiness. You stole my focus and my ability to care. But most of all, you stole my heart. And you're keeping it captive while you squeeze every last drop of blood from it. You slowly break off a piece of it every day, purposefully or not. Either way, I wish you'd just kill it if all you're going to do is torture me with it.
I've prayed countless times that I wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore. That I wouldn't be able to care anymore. Because it just hurts too much. I don't want it. Any of it. The joy when you smile at me; the pain when you look away.
I wonder if you know what you're doing to me. I wonder if you'd care even if you did. You seem to be the most heartless person on the planet, and yet my own heart has taken that as a challenge.
I just wish that I could forget about you. I wish I could forget the way you made me feel with one look and the way my heart would leap when I saw you. Because if I could forget you, I could forget the pain and the tears.
In a way, I kind of love you. I think I do, anyway, if you call the emotion I feel love. I don't know. That love is something I'm not sure I can feel towards people in general. All I know is I can't stop thinking about you. I'd give anything to forget you. To never have met you. I would change it if I could. I constantly ask myself if, in the end, it was worth it. The happiness I had for the pain I now possess.
I guess I'll never know. I do have one request though. That you leave me alone. That you let me cry and feel my heart shattering and the splinters cutting me up inside. Let me cry myself to sleep. Let me glance longingly in your direction and wish I could talk to you. Let me make up my side of an argument we might have or a declaration of love I'll never say out loud. Let me tell myself that I don't love you. That I don't need you. Because, eventually, I won't.
I won't need you. I won't cry over you. I won't look in your direction, hoping you'll be looking back. I'll get over you. I'll find someone new to cry over. I'll smile a genuine smile. When I tell people I'm okay, I'll mean it. Because as much as I want you back, I know that I couldn't handle losing you again. I couldn't handle looking in your direction to find you looking at someone else.
Please. I want you. I may even need you. But if you don't reciprocate that in any small fraction, you'll have to let me go so I can let you go. Because if I love you, if I truly love you, then you must be something special. And I can't lose you twice.
Sincerely,
Angie
