So today was my first day being single in almost a year. And I hated every second of it.
Everyone freaked out and hugged me, told me how sorry they were. But I brushed it off and told them I was fine. That I was relieved.
That part was true. But I wasn't relieved that we were over. I was relieved because I knew that even though I'm still hurting, he isn't. He can be happy now. He can move on and go out with someone better. I'm not holding him back. He can finally go after someone better for him. And that's worth it to me.
Every time I saw him, it hurt. Naturally. But I just pretended I didn't see him at all. I told myself that it would be easier if I just ignored him. If I pretended not to know him. If I pretended I wasn't broken inside. Maybe he could move on quickly. I'd be okay.
And it worked. For about five minutes. I wanted to lose it, but I made myself a promise; if I could make it through today without making it harder for him, then I could cry all night if I felt like it.
I refuse to cry at school. Not where he might be able to see it or hear about it. I don't want him to feel guilty about anything. No regrets. This is what's best. It has to be.
This is the best gift that I could give him. A chance to start over without interference from me. But I can't just stop talking to him. Not completely. You can't just stop loving someone.
But I have to try. For his sake. Because no matter what happened, I still love him. And this is the only way I can be happy. If he's with someone that can finally make him happy, then I can be happy.
I'll date a few people to keep up appearances, but other than that, I don't plan on doing anything else but studying. And acting fine.
Some of you might think that I'm being stupid, and that's okay. When you lose someone you love, you'll understand. Because then you'll know that seeing them happy is better than knowing you're both miserable.
That's what love is. To me, at least.
Maybe this will make up for whatever I did to ruin everything. Maybe not. But hopefully, the next girl will make him happy, and be good for him. He deserves that after all this drama.
-Angie
