path of redemption

chapter forty-nine.

-Estella romano.

{I'm so tired of being the girl that I am
Every good thing has turned into something I dread
And I'm playin' the victim so well in my head
But it's me who's been making the bed}
-olivia rodrigo

I thought this familiar feeling that stayed away would stay away...but it didn't. Was i always gonna feel like this? My hands itched for a release. It itched so bad i started scratching my wrists hoping it would help. But it didn't. Instead i got a mean and nasty rash. Last night was one of the most fun nights I've ever had. Even though we had to sit watching "Pride and prejudice" , that april picked might i add. We also had to get the information that rory and miguel were basically step sibling. Apparently her mom and his dad we're seeing each other.

I didn't care about the movie , i could've easily watched it but it wouldn't have mattered. It was the people. People who didn't look at me like i was dirt under some shoe. I mean. I should've listened to rory when she said i shouldn't go through the comments.

An easy " i won't" should've done the trick. But it didn't. As soon as i got home. That was the first thing i did. The internet was a horrible place. Some we're nice comments. Some were people saying how hard they'd fuck me . Girls and boys. Some were jealous about the fact that zaids hand was directly on my ass . Some we're mean comments...

It shouldn't have made me feel like this right? I've been through it right?

But why did i feel like i wanted to crawl into a hole and never show my face again?

I stayed up all night , reading through 5000 comments. Fucking 5000. Once i started , i couldn't put the phone down.

Who knew the new guy goes for chicks like her.
He probably lost a bet.
She's not even pretty.

That was just the beginning ladies and gentlemen. I even saw Cindy and her minions in the comments , laughing.
By the time i was done , it was the crack of dawn and the sounds of the birds chirping sounded outside . I dreaded going today. But i had to. If i stayed it would mean i was a coward. Which i wasn't. I think?

I know people would look pass zaid and onto me , making me their target. I just hate that its true...

So i have to do what I always do. Get ready to put my acting skills to good use and endure aprils hugs. Although the last one didn't sound so bad.

I got dressed. Fixed my hair and went downstairs. My feet pounded against the stairs creating a loud annoying echo in the house. The sound of my brother humming and ash talking was vibrating in the kitchen.

I mentally groaned at myself , a reminder that my hormones were infact still sky rocket since my period was still present. The pain was there. But dull. I just wanted to come home and sleep my life away.

I walk into the kitchen and just then catch ashley's words "...I don't know how i can make her talk to me..." i clear my throat and both of them jump as their eyes widen.

"You can start by not talking about me , when im in the same house as you" i mutter as i walk in ignoring their stares. I walk straight to the coffee pot and pour me into my "imnotinthemood" cup. I almost moan at the bittertaste on my toungue but i refrain from doing so, instead i look up from my cup while taking another sip.