path of redemption

chapter four.

-Estella romano

First thing i notice is the blackness surrounding me , its not my bedroom . Im impaled . It feels like im being pushed down , the only movement is my eyes moving around as i try to lift myself up.

No.
Not again.
Please.

One of the worst things about sleep paralysis was the not being able to control your body as you just lay there until it all ends . Mine was always worst. Sometimes it would be my fears coming infront of my face as i try to scream , tears spilling out of my eyes. This time it feels weird though, nothing popped up , so i do what i usually do when i try to get out of this stage , i breathe in and out through my nose , and close my eyes for five seconds , when i pop them open again , if i could scream , i would . Infront of me was my sister . Grinning at me . Smiling at me , she just stares back at me , as i stare at her .

Waiting.

Suddenly she opens her mouth and one word leaves her mouth.

"Ugly" i flinch.
Another word.
"Pathetic" i breathe harshly as i try to scream.
"One more cut" suddenly the wind is knocked out of me as i hear those three words . I say it all the time . Why does it hurt coming from her . "You'll never be like me , i was beautiful. I had a boyfriend . Curves of a model and finally i didn't have cut marks on my body, i was art. You are nothing" she taunted me. I feel my limbs finding their blood circulation, as i try to lift my arm up , everything starts disappearing . Shes gone . I wake up with a huge gasp . I sit up quickly making sure not to hurt my fresh cuts on my thighs . I rock back an forward and look at the time 6:45am. I feel awful. My hair sticks to my face . My limbs hurt and everything hurts.

This was the longest i slept in months . I knew i should've taken those pills. I think a part of me wanted to escape the real world for a while , even if it mean going to the place i despised so much . Even if i got hurt in the process. What shook me was that she was in my sleep paralysis stage this time . Taunting me . My alarm breaks me from my thoughts as i try to lift myself up . God i feel so empty . I make sure i take my time standing up so that i dont faint right here and then . I walk to the bathroom with my towl and toiletries. I put my things on the sink and look up. A gasp breaks out of me . I look disastrous. Hair sticking to my forehead . My eyes lifeless with bags underneath them. The colour drained from my cheeks making me paler than usual. I stretch my cheeks hoping to see a hint of red . Nothing , absolutely nothing. I look at my chapped lips . My bottom lip bigger than the top . I lick them trying to add moisture. It doesn't work . A tear falls from my eyes as i wipe it furiously. why'd i have to be so difficult. I hate that i got my mothers genes. Her thick brunette hair , that i chopped until my shoulders. My hazel brown eyes , looking empty as ever and my button nose i actually liked. I was a carbon copy of her , even though i hated it. I mean i couldve gotten dads genes. Blonde and blue eyes . Maybe everything would've been great . Maybe i would've actually been pretty. I sniff and take off my hoodie . Faded scars on my arms that are not visible anymore , due to me not cutting anymore , nothing a bit concealer wouldn't fix .

It'll still be there though

I shake my head from my manipulative thoughts and take off my leggings. I hiss as it rips from my open skin. Thick lines surrounds my inner thighs. I cringe at how ugly it looks , i take off my clothes and look at myself in the mirror. I've lost weight. I can see my collarbone now . I smile in victory , but a tear lands on my cheek . I wipe it away and look at my curves . Hourglass figure which i never showed off , i hate it . My thighs got smaller too . I suck in my stomach more so you'd see my ribs and smile. Weird the things that causes me the most pain, brought me happiness. I get in the shower and scrub , making sure not to scrub to hard on my sensitive injuries . I wash my hair next, using vanilla shampoo and conditioner as i massage my head and sigh at how good it feels.

I dry myself and search through my closet , sweatpants, hoodies . Sweatpants hoodies. Sweatpants, hoodies , thats all you see . I decide to opt for a baby blue hoodie , and my grey sweatpants and my white air forces.

Satisfied with my outfit matching the weather today , its cloudy and freezing. I blow dry my hair and put it into thick waves , making it bouncy. I take a bit concealer and dab it under my eyes , atleast making me look presentable. I put on my lipgloss and mascara take my school bag .

I walk downstairs as i find my mother in the kitchen. Great. Fantastic. Phenomenal. Jesus fuck.

I head to the coffee machine , throwing me some nice hot coffee into my rick and morty cup , i look up and shes staring right at me . I sip my coffee and wait , she puts the newspaper down , she looks at me up and down.

Thats it.
Judgement.

"You look nice " she tries to smile making me scoff "Oh jeez thanks mother was that a compliment? And the best mother award goes too..." i make a drilling sound with my mouth and glare at her , as she shakes her head at me . You fucked . You birthed me , deal with it. She glares at me "Estella , dont speak to me like that. I am your mother , i will not tolerate disrespect, especially from you".

I slam my mug down , coffee falling onto my hand , making me hiss in pain "You sure as hell may be my mother, but you dont get the role of it , if you cant handle kids , maybe you shouldn't have gotten them" i hiss and grab my bag and open the door and slam it on my way out.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

I take my brothers car since he was picked up by his friends , i start the car and ref the engine. What a beauty , i connect my phone and Meddle about by Chase atlantic starts blasting through the speakers . I pull out of the driveway and speed pass the cars . I bob my head to the music making sure to not miss a single lyric . It takes me 7 mintues to get to school . I pull up and everyones attention goes to me .

The queen has arrived ladies and gentlemen.

I get out of the car , i see a group of hockey players standing in a circle.

Perfect.

I can do this.

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