path of redemption

chapter thirty-three.

-Estella romano.

On another day i would've enjoyed the attention of someone asking me out. Men validation was never something i wanted to achieve. I preferred to give them the finger and walk away with my dignity. But lately? Lately ive done some thinking. One more year and then I'll be in college? Without experiencing teenage romance. I'll never be able to experience someone doing a grand gesture infront of everyone in class just to ask me to be their valentine . Id never experience the deep intimate kissing against the lockers or sneaking off into an empty classroom to do , what would lia say? "shenanigans".
Rory and april would call her out for being a prude and tell her to use the correct term "fuck". I realised both of my bestfriends either fucked. Got kissed like they were someones last meal.
The walk of shame to school with a bunch of hickeys.

I've never done any of that

I let myself believe that it was a flex that i didn't do any of that shit. But i knew deep down that i was actually making myself believe the coverfront when the real truth was.

I was fucking lonely

So why did i call off the date the mintue i woke up after being magically tucked into my bed? My chance was right there why didnt i grab it and see what the hype was all about ?

I should've been jumping on the rooftop and screaming "someone likes me" to the whole neighborhood. Ethan was really understanding about everything. He was a nice guy told me its was okay and maybe next time. Basically because i told him "i just got out of a relationship and i dont think im ready to jump on that horse again" i felt so guilty knowing that I lied to him.

And what did i do when i woke up at home after a nice day at the beach with all my friends? I did the obvious and ran to the hidden hole in my floor board and took out my heroin...and also? Would soon be named as my killer. I cut till i couldn't feel my thighs anymore and cried till my tears were dried up. I did the walk of guilt and cleaned and did disinfectant

After my embarrassing outburst at my brother and friends about how "is it so hard for someone to like me" shit . I didn't think anyone would come after me. That "anyone" being zaid gonzales ladies and gentlemen.

I was so pissed at him for kissing me and leaving like i was one of his damn side pieces. If he couldn't handle the kiss all he had to do was be a man about it and set things straight with me.
When i kissed him. I felt every emotion stuck into that kiss. I saw the hunger in his eyes. The hunger for more. He kissed me with passion. Took my breath away with his magical mouth. And snatched my self respect with the touch of his fingers.

And not to mention he had the fucking audacity to drive me home after and like the idiot i am i let him. I cried until i fell asleep and when i thought i would wake up in the same car. Same position. Same time. I didn't , i woke up in my bed safely tucked away with a photograph of myself and the words "You're beauty is incomparable".

Should i have liked it?
No i shouldnt have.

But i did. I loved it. And i hated that fucking greek god for it with his stupid sexy smirk. I immediately sticked it to my wall with all my other photos. My first ever photo being alone. After that i called april and rory to my house to apologize for my outburst and they understood. I told them id be still going on the date. Zaid kept my secret safe after he texted me .I still havent talked to my brother. Mostly because i didnt wanna face him and see the one thing i hated most.

Pity

So i avoided him at all costs and went to school with rory and april. And when i came home from school. I went to my cave and hid there until i knew he wasnt at home .

I sigh as i shake my head and slam my locker door close . The air making my curtain bangs whoosh in my face. I turn around ready to walk to my next class when i see seth standing with his arms crossed and an evil smirk crossed on his face .Knowing this guy magically knew my biggest secret made me feel uneasy. So i acted like i didnt see him and swallowed the lump in my throat and walked pass him. I haven't run into him in a while. Only saw him here and there making his useless speeches about hockey and shit.