Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter Forty-Six

I'm done with that.

I've kept my head hung low enough in my first life and I know how terrible that felt so there's no way I'm going to ever feel like that again.

Who cares if these people never look at me the same? They can all go rot in hell then. I'm going to walk into these halls with as much confidence as I can. This wasn't the time to worry about our image. Not after what we just went through a couple days ago.

That's what I wish my mind would've sounded like but in reality I didn't know what to do with myself. I got to school way too early and even then I hid in the girl's bathroom nearest to my classroom. This morning I had looked into the mirror with such confidence as I gave myself what I thought to be the best pep talk of all time.

What a fucking idiot I am. Did I really think saying some encouraging words would really help me out with my situation?

Damn it, I'm being such a coward that I even ran into one of the stalls earlier when a group of girls walked in. I pressed my back against the wall and did my best to steady my breathing as they laughed at each other. Their voices vibrated at the base of my skull. When they finally left I almost sank to the floor before I realized where I was.

Then when the bell rang I wanted to really kill myself. Then the thought of killing myself gave me another burst of energy. No, that's what they want me to do. They want me to become small. At least, I think that's what the goal was here. I honestly don't even know. My mind has been such a mess and I still haven't been able to sit any of this through.

It doesn't help that there's no one I could talk to. At least not everything. There's only so much I could tell my Uncle. Which I will eventually, hopefully I find the courage too when he finally gets discharged from the hospital. But even so, all I can really say is that someone is after me because they think I'm in the way of something. Something that I'm not really sure I have right.

There's no way of explaining why they want me out of the picture or what their end goal might be without revealing, in some way, that I know things that I shouldn't know. And then when that question comes up he'll obviously know I'm lying with what bullshit I come up with. It's not like I can exactly go up to my Uncle and tell him I died then got reincarnated from another world.

How the actual fuck, do you think he'll take that?

I'll be shipped off to the nearest mental facility.

For fuck's sake, what am I going to do?

After slamming my head against the wall for a couple minutes, I knocked some sense into me and headed off to my classroom. I was pretty late for morning class so the halls were empty. Though I was early enough to make it before the teacher.

As soon as I entered the doorway I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I wanted to run out of there but I used what little balls I had left to walk all the way to my desk. Every part of me vibrated with anxiousness. The back of my shirt clung to me as I sweated bullets. And my legs wouldn't want to sit still as they shook against the floor.

It didn't help that I could feel Sookie's eyes stare lasers into the side of my head. I couldn't turn to look at her. Instead, I kept my eyes strictly to the window next to me, looking at nothing in particular. I put a hand casually on my forehead as if resting against it attempting to hide the large patch on my skin.

The classroom door slid open as our teacher finally walked in.

"Oh? Ila, your Uncle said you might not be coming in today. I heard about his accident as well, hopefully he will recover soon."

I slowly turned to the teacher with a face filled with despair.

Why the hell would she FUCKING SAY THAT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE DAMN FUCKING PEOPLE????!!!!!!