Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter Twenty-One

"Are you okay?"

I nodded, "Yeah, just the jet lag."

Sookie gave me a look, "Jet lag, sure. If it were only jet lag you'd be bucked back with drool hanging from you chin."

"Its jet lag."

She didn't deserve that tone. I turned to apologize but she just shook her head. In her eyes was a knowing. Being back here was making me more of an asshole that I normally was. The taxi driver has been giving us looks the whole time especially when we started talking Korean. What, did he expect me to pop full English sentences?

It wouldn't have bothered me if he was paying attention to me, I have to deal with the same looks back in Korea. I just don't want no one looking at Sookie like that. Unless he wants to get underneath my skin he better back the fuck down. Fucking American piece of t-hmm, calm down. Its just your nerves. Its just your nerves.

Damn, was I going to be like this the whole time? The guy really wasn't even looking at us. The only time he looked back was to check if it was safe to switch lanes which there was a lot of. It was a long drive to town so I told Sookie to relax a bit. She almost laughed at me, saying that I'm the one that needed to relax.

It was around 2pm here which meant it was 4am yet neither of us were tired. She was too buzzing with excitement, taking photos on that fancy camera of hers that her dad let her borrow. I'm surprised they let her come so easily. Sookie called me in the middle of the damn night telling me they let her come on the condition she take pictures of everything.

Her parents must be as curious as she was. Hopefully one day we can all take a trip like this together. I can invite Viola and Uncle too. Mom and Dad always wanted to take me to see the world beyond the gym but I was a hesitant little prick. Not hesitant, afraid, paranoid. That's why I'm doing cartwheels inside of my head right now.

Being back here reminded me of all that. These people never once saw me relaxed as I was back in Korea. Usually its the opposite. When a family member dies is common to become silent yet I chose to become loud. I scream at the top of my lungs doing whatever I please, I became reckless. Though I do have my depressive moments that make me feel like shit.

Like right now. I felt such a heavy guilt coming back here being as happy as I was. It took my parents death for me to smile. I wonder if that's what people would think. I want them to understand that I'm not smiling because they're dead, I've just learned how to live I guess. I'm starting to think their death made me realize how real all of this was.

In a single moment what good I had here could be taken from me in second. These people, this world that's not even mine to begin with, I've learned to love it and I'll love it as much as I can so I won't regret a single moment. So what if I die because of my recklessness? Wouldn't it be better to die living at your fullest rather than tip toeing around everything?

In this life...I want my name to amount to something.

My eyes fluttered open the moment we passed through the stone bridge. Two thin towers connected by a wide bridge. Sookie wowed then started snapping pictures as we passed over the river. I hadn't even realized when I'd fallen asleep. I guess part of my crabby attitude was the jet lag. I fucking hate flying.

The driver opened up the windows as a gentle breeze rolled through the forest around us. He rolled them down halfway but I pushed mine all the way down. A waterfall of leaves sprinkled down on us in a roaring wave of orange and yellow. Sookie let out a small laugh as a leaf smacked her in the face.

I let out a shuddering breath as I popped my head out the window. As if knowing what I was going to do, the cabbie sped up a bit so the wind could hit my face just right. The leaves sounded like a magnificent wood wind rattling, almost as if the trees where chanting to themselves. And the air...I missed how it smelled out here.