Never Mind | #yoonmin

38

My hand moves itself in front of my eyes. Is this my hand? It doesn't feel like mine. It's a piece of flesh which I'm in control of, but it's not mine. I can make it move, I can feel what it touches, but that's about it. Sometimes I want it to move but it doesn't, sometimes I witness its movements without my effort.

My hand drops back down on the couch and I'm faced with my boring white ceiling. Have you ever stared at a point on the ceiling so long that the random pattern of the speckles starts to turn into a structured grid? And why does it get darker when that happens? If my eyes can lie to me so easily, how am I supposed to believe all the other things I see? If reality is supposed to exist when it's perceived, then what does it mean when what I'm seeing is not the truth?

I can feel the lack of emotion on my face like a heavy calmness. My body is so consumed with blocking out all the emotions and thoughts that it is left with no energy for the physical. So I just lay here on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Tears running down my face. Can pain be comforting if it's easy and familiar?

——

"What do you think, Yoongi?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah sure."

"You're not even looking." Jisoo says with an offended tone.

"Just do whatever you think is best. I trust you." I try to sound friendly and manage to smile a little.

"Okay... I feel like I should be happy with that answer, but I'm not."

"Doesn't sound like my problem." I immediately close my eyes tightly, knowing I should not have said that. Jisoo has been abnormally patient with me today and I'm sure she won't keep it up much longer.

"Jesus Yoongi... How difficult is it to just put a tiny bit of effort today? You've been floating around the office like a ghost for a week already. Or two weeks actually. Are you not sleeping or something?"

"Yeah, sleep."

"Okay... well, just go home early today alright? You're no use to me anyway."

"Kay." I get up with a sigh and start packing my things.

"What, you're leaving now now?"

"Yes."

"Ugh, whatever man. Get some sleep, please."

——

The hot shower water warms the front of my body. I close my eyes to imagine the locker room. His angelic singing. The sound of his voice is still too easy to reproduce in my mind, I need for it to become more difficult. I need enough time to have passed so his voice in my head starts to sound like any generic voice that my mind comes up with. But now, it still sounds exactly like him.

With my eyes still closed I reach my hand out, imagining his warm body being within reach, but all I touch is the cold wall. It doesn't feel misplaced, though. Even though his body is warm like the water, his last words to me were cold like the wall. My fingers run down the tiles, five tiles, one for each moon.

Why haven't I seen him in the building since? Has he become that good at avoiding me? Have I been avoiding him? I couldn't bear seeing him get into his car with Taemin. Or worse, see them get out of the car in the morning. Are they together now?

Funny how I can easily just relax my muscles and fall down if I wanted to. Where is the will coming from to keep myself up right? I let my muscles soften and drop myself down to the floor. The water hitting me down here is colder. That small distance is far enough to cool the water down to an unpleasant temperature. Not warm, not cold. Just in between.