Never Mind | #yoonmin

2

WINTER
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It's eerily silent when I step outside the office building for a smoke. It's already dark out quite early during this time of the year. I look up at the dark sky to see how many white snowflakes are contrasting against it. Some thick snowflakes land on my eyelashes and I close my eyes to not let the crystals melt into them. As I stand there for a moment, enjoying the silence and the cold flakes drop on my skin and melt effortlessly, I almost forget that I came out for a smoke.

I tilt my head back down with a sigh and put the hood of my jacket on before grabbing my pack of cigarettes and a lighter. After lighting one up I listen to the snow flakes now dropping on my hood. They hit as silent as a whisper, but dozens and dozens of whispers. Whispers that are telling me to bring back memories about the first snow of two years ago, when I broke up with Jisung.

Jisung was the sweetest and, on paper, the most perfect boyfriend I thought I could ever have. When we just started dating I considered myself to be very lucky, I thought my time to be happy had finally arrived. Thinking about that now makes me feel childish and silly, how somewhere deep inside I still thought a relationship would finally make me happy.

My feelings for him weren't even that strong, but we had already been friends for a while and he just checked all of the relationship boxes I had collected over the years. Years of dating, relationships, breakups, heartaches. I started to believe love just wasn't for me in this lifetime, I was always happier and more myself when I was single. Undeniable doubts and dark clouds would always hover over me when I was in relationships. I'd try to force and push things forward, desperately hoping that this time I'd magically fall in love and have that feeling everyone always talks about. When you just know. But the only thing I knew was that I wanted out, to be alone again, to stop the misery.

But then when Jisung offered himself to me on a silver platter, I ignorantly accepted, foolishly wanting to still give this love thing another go. It wasn't long until I realised I had hoaxed myself once again, I had let myself be tempted by the exquisiteness that is Han Jisung.

Surprisingly enough I didn't shed many tears, in a flash I understood that if I can't even fall in love with him, I simply had to live my life differently from what I had always dreamed of. I said goodbye to my dreams of a bombastic love that would last a lifetime, and I welcomed new ideas of fleeting, short lived romances full of passion but no fairy tale ending. What could be wrong with living like that? Letting people pass by your life, enjoying each other's company until it simply isn't enjoyable anymore. I tried to explain this to Jisung when the first snow of that winter fell on his soft hands, which I held until I realised he wasn't going to understand.

I squint my eyes as I inhale the winter air through my cigarette and hear footsteps behind me.

"Yoongi-ya, here you are!" Jisoo's voice overpowers the whispers of the snow and pulls me out of my thoughts. Jisoo is my co-producer of Honsool, but she stays behind the cameras. She's probably just as introverted as I am, even though nobody would know on the work floor. We connected immediately when Seokjin introduced us and we spent our first evening out drinking whiskey and talking about our hopes and dreams for the show. She calms me down when I'm nervous before a show and I return the favour to her when she's about to explode while dealing with the advertising efforts. It's her least favourite part of the job, advertisers and sponsors always try to squeeze every last bit out of you and manage to twist your words.

"Oh hey Jisoo, are you still here?"

"Yeah of course, aren't you going to Namjoon's release party?" She eyes my cigarette but stays quiet. She doesn't like my smoking habit.

"Ah shit, I forgot that's today. I'm totally not dressed for it." I look down at my ripped jeans and worn-out sneakers. I'm usually dressed quite casually, then when it's time to be in front of the cameras there's always wardrobe arranged nowadays anyway.