Through the Years with Nick and Charlie

You're not here

     When I arrived, the car park was quite empty, but it was 2pm on a Tuesday. I made my trip around each aisle to make sure that I had everything. Once I went over the list twice, I headed to the checkout lines.
     As I was walking, suddenly, by the force of nature, I somehow ended up in the clothing section...baby clothes. I was internally fighting the urge the whole time, but when I saw it with my own two eyes...I'm there. I told myself that I was just going to browse and not buy anything but, the shirt was too perfect.

     Blue shirt, with a giraffe holding daisies, Nick's favorite flower, and my favorite animal.

     I sent a picture of it to Nick captioning it with heart eyes. And now it's in my cart.

     Once I got home, I put the groceries away, tidied up a bit, and then continued to have lunch and lounge.
     I waited for the time to pass by until Elle was meant to come 'round with Nellie.

     When the door bell rung, I hopped up, excited to see Elle and Nellie too. Elle knows that she's welcomed here anytime so, we greeted each other and made ourselves comfortable on the couch.
   "soo, Greece, you have to tell me all about it" she says so smiley causing me to smile "it was amazing, so, so pretty" "ughh, I'm so jealous, a Paris squad holiday needs to be booked asap" we both laugh a bit before Elle continues with her questions. "What did you guys dooo, besides you know, fuck" I blush but roll my eyes at the same time "We only did it twice for your information a-". Before I could finish my sentence, Elle interrupted with a shocked gasp "ok fuck you" I let out, obviously joking "w-wait I'm done now" Elle says taking a deep breath.
    I told her everything we did from the hike to the picnic.
    
     We finished that conversation and moved to the kitchen for snacks and drinks. We talked about how she and Tao were going until, once again, the subject was changed.
"Wait, how did shopping for the baby go" I chuckled, probably to keep from crying "it...didn't" "what" "nick's at training" "the fuck" she says taken aback "yea, my words exactly" I say. "You guys literally got back just this morning though"
      I explained how he told me how the coach called him in and how this whole situation just triggers and adds to my worries "Well did you tell him that" Elle asked me, now with my hand in hers " I mean sorta, I told him that I don't want to feel alone while pregnant" I shrug my shoulders " I think you should tell him that these situations are what makes you worried, and honestly, I'd like to have a word with him, you two should be at the shops" she says so seriously " I know but I can't just ask him to give up his literal first love" "it's onnneee practice, you're worth more than a practice"   " more like 8... he missed the ones while we were in Greece".  " ok, whatever, 8 practices, he promised" i sigh "he's not a bad person Elle and he doesn't break promises often, plus he apologized so it'll be fine".  "He's an amazing person and husband for you, i can just see this going too far if you two don't communicate" she says as i sit there and soak in all of her words "why do you always have to be right" i say tilting my head back. She gets up from her seat and hugs me " you two will find your groove, i love you Charlie" "i love you". She let go of our hug to grab her things " ok I've got to get going, Tao made dinner" "oh fuck, i haven't even started" i sigh before showing her out the door.

      When I got back in the house, i realized how much time had passed by, Nick would be home soon. I quickly found something to make that wasn't to difficult. I settled for tacos. I finished making the ground beef at 8:03. Nick wasn't home yet so I decided to set out all of the toppings buffet style.
    
       30 minutes had passed and Nick still wasn't home. As I walked to the kitchen, I heard the lock twist and turn. I waited where I was until there was a sign that it was Nick.
"Charr" he yells out and I let out a sigh of relief "kitchen" I say going to chop up fresh veggies. He walks in with a sympathetic face and flowers. "Hi" he says handing me the flowers "this why you were late" I ask and he nods walking towards me. He wraps his arms around my waist from behind "I'm really, really sorry love. I didn't know that she'd call me in so soon" he says kissing my neck "I know. thank you, these smell great" I say, nose still in the flowers "are u mad at me" "more like frustrated and worried about the situation" "why" he asks letting go of me and leaning on the counter that I'm cutting on. I hesitate to answer because I don't want to come off as something I'm not and I can hear the tiredness in nicks voice. "I just miss you is all" I see and hear the confusion coming from Nick " we just spent an entire week together" I sigh knowing that what I said wasn't entirely what I meant " I know and I'm so thankful for that. I just mean that I know things are gonna be like how they were today for a while" I drop the knife I'm using to cut and turn to get a container when Nick grabs my wrist to pull me to him "i promise you that you won't be alone and I'll be there for as much as I can" I give a lopsided smile to his statement "can we lay off on the promises right now" Nick scrunches up his face "do you not trust me after this one time or what" he scoffs " I trust you with everything, I just know that you'll miss out on a lot a-" he cuts me off before I can finish "I'm not gonna be some deadbeat dad. I'm not my father" he lets go of my hand and I can see it in his eyes that he's hurt "No you're not, and I know that, I'm just stating the obvious. You won't be at any future appointments, I'm planning the baby shower that you probably won't even be at, by myself, I won't be seeing you as much after this month, and I just- I know that you want to be here, but it doesn't mean that you are" I say while looking down in my hands. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nick walk away to sit at the island. "You want to rub it in a little more or can we be done with this conversation" he says bitterly "I'm not rubbing anything in Nick" " you do know that I wish that I could be here for you and the baby, spend all day together, and do whatever we want " he says and I nod "so why the fuck are you mad at me" he scoffs but yells a bit at the same time " I just told you that I wasn't mad, excuse me for expressing my deep feelings for my husband and how much I'll miss him" I say sarcastically "but you're not, you keep pointing out the things that I'll miss out on as if I'm not upset about it too. Do you see me starting fights over it though, no" he's yelling at this point "I didn't mean to start a fight, I was just getting it off my chest and communicating, they said I should" I say quietly immediately regretting mentioning that last part "what, you're telling people I'm a deadbeat now, fuck this" he gets up from the island and heads towards the stairs, I ran after him "w-wait, that's not even what I'm trying to say. I know you'll be a great dad, I've always said it. I just wish that we were like some normal couple who can do things together" I say smiling, picturing the things we could do "don't act like it's all new. You knew exactly what was gonna happen before we even got married so if you wanted or want that life so bad then-" he yells before pausing mid sentence "then what" I ask quietly having a feeling I know what he was gonna say " n-nothing. I'm just tired ok. Wasn't the best time for you to bring this up" he says now at the top of the stairs " so it's my fault" I scoff before continuing "maybe you should've fucking been here" I turn around to walk to the living room "stop it, just fucking stop. I've been trying my best for the last two years to be the best I can for you and all you can do is fucking complain. Did you ever stop and think to ask me about how I feel, no. If you did you would know that I miss you like hell the moment I'm away and I beg and beg for time off to be with you because I don't know how to even function without you near me so please Charlie ." It felt like he was yelling forever but when he stopped I turned around to see his face covered in tears. He turned around quickly and all I could hear was our bedroom door slam.
      I went to go sit down on the couch and that's when I felt Al of the tears rushing down my face.

      I'm a shitty, selfish husband.

A/N: tried to write angst but I feel like it's kinda sloppy...wtv    
THX FOR READINNGG!!! LUV YA😘🎀