the bargaining

im fine with that

my brain will never understand the meaning of peace.
I won't allow it too.
I know you're probably like " what's wrong with her?" "Why don't she want peace?"
The thing is I've grown so attached to my agony, my pain, my depression
I'm so used to all the shit that it puts me through.
now I do want to be happy but whenever I am, something or a thought comes creeping in to destroy it and I won't let me give my hopes up again. I'm tired of that. Letting my depression take over when I'm okay, I'm just going to let it take over me.
yes I know that means I'll be in misery for quite some time and I know that there will not be a way for me to crawl out of it as much as I want to but I just can't seem to find the solution.

God, I want peace
I really do
But I can't seem to accept peace because I'm accustomed to the darkness of life that's been thrown at me since I was 9.
I can't seem to allow myself to actually smile and laugh without feeling some kind of a dread.

Maybe I will be happy, maybe I will find peace but until then I'm entangled in bed with this dying feeling inside

and I'm fine with that.