the bargaining

witnin you

the daisy's slowly died
while my anger grew for you
my anger got so bad that I even cursed at the moon
you see I tell myself that you were a forbidden fool that I've came across but I still didn't care for how endangered you were.
I didn't care if you fucked me up because I honestly accepted the fact that you were broken
I accepted the fact that you couldn't love me fully because of how you were raised
I accepted the fact that we will never be that ordinary couple that hold hands, kiss each other for minutes on end, go out on dates, write each other letters, dance with each other, talk on the phone for hours
I know that we will never have that and as much as it hurts I'm willing to put that aside to be with you.
I think I'm struggling with the idea of not being able to have that real kind of love, that old love. I want to be able to do all of those things with someone I have so many big feelings for and now that I know I most likely won't be able to do all of those things, it hurts me to my core and it scars deep inside of me leaving me to an eternity of uncertainty.
I see you everywhere I go and I don't know if that's a good thing or not because I'm so tired of being the one who obsess over a person. I'm obsessed with you and I just help that one day that obsession is going to turn cold. It's going to freeze off like falling ice from snow.
I told you I love you and I meant it
I meant it with all of my heart but I feel like I can't keep letting this go on even if I think I deserve this.
helping you ruin me scares me all on the inside because it's like I'm helping you to further damage me and I know you're laughing at me thinking I'm so damn clueless but I'm aware, I just didn't want to lose the little parts I still had of you.
god gives me signs why it's not okay to continue with this relationship, it's not okay for me to stay even if I think this is what I deserve. He's telling me that this isn't love and it will never come close to it and it's painful to know that.. it's painful to see that and honestly that pain eats me up inside. It makes me stay up all night crying and wondering where it went all wrong and I can't help but feel that this will never get any better.

I had to lose you to find me and when I tell you
it feels like the water is closing in on me and I feel like I'm being squeezed
I'm not lying.

I do love you and I do miss you but losing you help me see that

it's time for me to find myself after I lost myself within you.