the bargaining

i will ruin you

i'd check myself into a mental hospital
if only it means you'll come back to me.

I know my mental health is dwindling,
and I know your patience is wearing thin.

I know you're stuck blaming yourself
and running out of answers of what you might of done wrong, or said wrong.

but my dear, you haven't done anything wrong.
sometimes my thoughts scatters around inside of my head and it eats away every good part as if there was any.

when I get mute, it's nothing that you did.
It's just I tend to force my mouth shut because what if I say something that makes me look like a fool?
that makes me too vulnerable?
that makes me feel like I'm a weak being? so I keep it sewed shut because that's the only way that the poison doesn't leak out all over you.

no I'm not angry at you for something you have no control of.
I'm angry at myself because I took healing as a joke,
I took myself as a joke.

I'm angry that I can't give you the love you so badly deserve because my mind is full of emptiness, pain, hurt, and scars.
My mind will never recover and if I keep trying to love you while I can't manage my emotions or my mental

I'm afraid that,

i will ruin you.